thinking about my resolution

i think its very important for me to think carefully about my life and my future and make some resolutions towards my goals. maybe it's quiet around me to help with clarity so i should take advantage of it, right? for this week, i have very little i can do other than think. and plan. so for the next few days leading up to new year's, i will be contemplating the following areas of interest:

my physical health
my career
my future husband
my potential children
my geographical location(s)
my preferred lifestyle
my financial health

i feel like its very selfish to think all about me but i know i owe it to myself. i owe it to my family as well. i always have plans and goals but this time i really have to make some monumental changes and decisions towards my goals. i really can't afford to become distracted anymore. so, hopefully this week i will have the mental clarity and the willpower to make my resolutions come true.

dreaming of snow...

it's been hot in savannah lately. today was pretty warm, about 82 degrees and humid! the weather down here is so weird - it's warm one day then really cold the next. it's frustrating cause i can't put all my summer clothes away and i only own one or two sweaters. i want it to be so cold all i can do is snuggle under some blankets with some hot cocoa and a good book. but NOOOO...i'm sweating my tatas off in my tank top and little else on. i've reallybeen fantasizing about living up north somewhere far far away... like washington state or even canada. someplace beautiful and wild and where it gets lots of snow. i want to ski and make snowmen and eat and drink hot stuff! at this point, i'd be happy with some ice in the freezer. i really really want a big chunk of land to build my earthship and my farm and have snow dammit.

new relationships

I think that the overall tone of this blog is going to lighten up significantly as the year ends. I know a lot of bad things have happened (and even though I blab about a lot of it here, you don't even know the half of it), but things are still looking up and from experience I know that once you've hit the bottom the only way left is up.

So I'd like to take a much needed moment to reflect on some of the good things that have happened recently. First off, my mom is talking to me again, and I am talking to her. I did not speak with her from the day I told her I was getting married to the day of my uncle's funeral and the moment I saw her sitting by herself and crying at the funeral home, all I could do was hug her and tell her I love her. I think she needed me more than anything. I felt bad about our rift but we didn't even have to mention it, it was like it never happened.

I also re-united with my long lost cousin Suejin. Her and I were estranged because our mothers had a huge fight when we were kids and never spoke to each other again (the silent treatment is a hereditary skill). Suejin and I went out to have coffee and started to re-kindle our relationship. Before our moms fought, we were inseperable. In fact, we even used to dress alike and hold hands all the time. We fought each other like cats and dogs but also knew each other like the back of our hands. She was the closest thing to a sister I had as a kid. We felt like we had been robbed of our relationship so we decided to be close again no matter what our mothers say.

This last one is a little bottersweet because I managed to learn some news things about my family and in the process lost my other cousin Kris. He didn't die, but he turned his back on me and my mom. Normally, this would have hurt me and angered me but there's nothing I can really do to fix it so I'm letting it go. In exchange for that, I understand my mother on a whole new level.

I also made some important self-discoveries that I think came to me by the balancing of karma. I am beginning to believe a little more in the concept of a destiny, and the idea that you are born with one. I think it's an inherent talent and disposition towards something that had to have been manifested by a previous soul and reborn as a new person's destiny. I know it sounds completely nuts but I promise I'm not becoming a fanatic mysticist. It makes perfect sense to me, only because I don't believe in coincidences. I think it's truly a blessing to recieve your destiny because you will feel everything you lacked like confidence when insecure and happiness when sad. It's like finally having peace of mind. Like finding something you cherished but lost long ago. Maybe it's just me hitting a very late puberty. I feel enlightened.

I am also feeling financially enlightened as I am now managing her hotel project and will be compensated. And, Johnny has finally gotten an economic break. I can't wait until the election, as I truly think things are going to get much better.

trying not to drown

in self-pity and pessimism. it seems like we are just simply screwed. everyone is having a tough time, everything is lousy. there is just a few precious drops of hope that evaporate as each day passes. could it be that we have to hit rock bottom before we get a break? in any case, things need to brighten up soon - i hate this feeling of failure. i am still happy and grateful for the people around me but right now gas being $4.89 is making it really tough to do anything. it's making me mad, too. did you know some gas stations will charge you an extra .07 cents a gallon for using your card at the pump? is that freakin' evil or what???

johnny's dad gets better one day then gets worse the next. it's bewildering.

do you know what it's like to live in a place where the daytime heat index reaches 95 degrees with relative humidity of 59%?!? At night the heat goes down to 78 or so with the same amount of humidity. it's the closest thing to hell on earth - especially if you have big boobies. i want a big de-humidifier for our apartment.

there's an empty house right next door to johnny's parents that i have actually fallen in love with. i keep going over there to snoop around and i just LOVE the backyard - it's like a secret garden. i have to take pictures and upload them for you to see...

moving

johnny and i are getting ready to move down to beaufort by september 1. we've packed up most of the house and now we are just waiting to find someone to rent our house and get a job. the job market right now is terrible, we have put in countless applications for all kinds of jobs and nothing. we really want to have our own business but can't find a bank that will accept our souls for a few grand. we are just going to have to ride out this economy and trim down our lifestyle to the bare minimum. we'll have most of our stuff in storage and live out of a few suitcases while we stay in beaufort.

i plan to help out johnny's family as much as i can and try to make a few bucks wherever possible. i'm going to put my energy into cooking nutritious meals and keeping everyone as healthy as possible. i'm going to be pinching pennies everywhere and keeping my ear to the ground for any opportunity that may present itself.

the bad news just keeps rollin' in, though. johnny's dad finally lost his leg to the staph infection. the poor guy was on vancomycin for weeks in the hospital but his left foot did not improve. to keep the infection from spreading, they amputated his leg below the knee. just when we thought he was improving, he's actually taken a turn for the worst and now all we can do is hope and pray. i know he's not my dad, he's not even my father-in-law yet, but i consider him family and i care about his well being a great deal. i don't know if i can ever forget the time we spent visiting him in the hospital, most of which he was sedated for. the last couple of days we were in savannah his dad finally awoke and was aware of the people around him. he couldn't speak with all the tubes, not to mention his weakened state, but he tried to communicate with us with great effort. it was kind of heartbreaking to see him trying to tell you something but not being able to understand him at all. his eyes would plead but his mouth could not form the words.

he was parched and begged us for water but we could not give him any for fear of pneumonia. we were able to swab the inside of his mouth a little bit and he had some relief. it was kind of funny because he would moan "aaahhhhh" "ahhhhh" cause it felt so good to have a cool damp cloth wiped over his face and inside his mouth. we were all dressed in gowns with gloves and masks and took turns talking to him and tending to him. then, he looked at me intently and said something which sounded like "ooo betty" over and over... i finally figured out what he was trying to say - it was "your pretty". i tried to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks because i couldn't believe he would spend his energy trying to tell me something like that. he was saying it like it was imperative that he tell me i was pretty. or maybe it was the antibiotics talking... anyways, i'll never forget that.

then, not too long ago, i found out from my real dad that things weren't going so good for him either. he had gone out of business. nobody was going on vacation it seemed so his timeshare and travel/vacation business went under. i had called to ask him for money to help pay for the wedding. how awful did i feel?

to me, this is like the depression. it's the time of my life where i will look back and be thankful for the things that i did have. it's a period of time where you have to find inner strength and courage. and it's only a period of time, not a lifetime. i know there are many people who suffer worse conditions, worse tragedies, and nobody to turn to. i am so very thankful to have friends and family there for me.

these are the days of our lives....

sometimes my life feels like a soap opera. my mom is definitely a soap opera character. she's very proud, commanding, manipulative, and sometimes just plain crazy. one day she's happy, sweet, and fun to be around. the next day she's stabbing you in the back with an ice pick and watching while you beg for mercy. my stepfather, on the other hand, is her complete opposite. he's very meek and kind of simple-minded. he wouldn't dare talk back to my mom. naturally, she walks all over him. she's got him by the balls and he's pretty much her slave. at any given time of the year, family members from my mom's side of the family are quarelling. right now, my uncle and youngest aunt are not speaking to my mother. neither am i. my sister managed to escape the drama that is our family and moved to texas.

i wont air all our family's dirty laundry, not because i care but because it's just too much shit to write down. let's just say we got some serious history. especially me and my mom. our relationship is, to say the least, contentious.

we have had knock-down drag out fights in public places, screaming matches during family gatherings, and serious amounts of time not talking to each other. the funny thing is, out of all the people in our family, my mother and i are the closest. only because i'm the only person who has been able to put up with her shit and defend myself. it's really sad because i'm sure that we aren't really as close as a normal mother and daughter.

regardless of all the stuff that has happened between us, i always end up coming back to my mom. it's a very masochistic habit that i totally recognize but can't break. she's my mother. i kinda hoped that she would love me unconditionally and be there for me when i needed her. unfortunately, those are the last two things my mother does - love unconditionally and be there for me. whenever i got into trouble, i had to turn to everyone else but my mom. she would never help me out of any situation or sympathize with me. her advice to me was always tough it out.

well, i believe that we have finally reached the last straw.

when i told my mom that johnny and i were going to get married this october, she was not happy at all. she told me she was disappointed in me. that we would never get anywhere together and our future is not going to be happy. i wasn't prepared for this reaction, so i couldn't really say anything. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. but it all makes sense. me marrying johnny just doesn't fit into her grand scheme of things. she wants me to get licensed, start a firm and basically be her in-house architect. kinda like she has her own personal assistant and aesthetician and lawyer and doctor. she knows that if i marry johnny, i might just decide to get pregnant and have a family and ditch my career. well, she's absolutely right.

what she said to me hurt me pretty bad. it felt like a cold knife in the heart. i expected her to take over my wedding planning but now she might not even attend our wedding. i am pretty sad that she's taking this route, but in a way i should have expected it. she did this to my sister. i almost forgot how hard she tried to get paula to leave bobby. i forgot how hard it was for paula to tell mom that she was pregnant again. why does our mom have to be like that? paula is happily married with two beautiful kids. i'm pretty sure i will be, too.

so, johnny and i decided that we want to be happy and surround ourselves with family and friends we love. there's nothing keeping us in atlanta. we are coastal small town folk. we like our funky smelling air and sand in everything. we like south carolina barbeque and big open skies. we are moving back to the coast - savannah. we'll be close to beaufort and it's a place where i would like to have kids. our dogs love the beach and so do we.

our wedding is october 18, 2008 on hunting island beach. it's going to be a very small wedding.

what is love? baby don't hurt me...

it's especially hard right now to be optimistic, have motivation, or be certain of anything. when times get tough i only have to look at my goofy dogs or my sweet soon-to-be hubby and i feel a million times better. i know i have to be strong for them and i know they are there for me. that's the kind of love i would rather have than copious amounts of money or fame or hot men chasing after me. this is the fundamental difference between my mother and i. she looks at life as if it were a chess game, each move carefully strategized in a campaign to win (or in her case, rule the world). it's such a painfully archaic way of thinking that i don't feel mad at her so much as sorry for her. she obviously has always felt it necessary to outthink her opponents, to live life with the sole intention of success; never able to just let things happen naturally. she fights the very concept of time and aging. to me, it's a losing battle. it's a waste of precious time you could spend being happy and loved.

my mom truly believes that a successful career and an elitist, white collar husband is the only path to happiness for me. what i've always tried to explain to her is that i'd rather live in a tent with my 3 dogs and the love of my life than live in a mansion with some stranger i despise.

i don't blame her for wanting me to be secure but what is security? what is insecurity? i've been poor, i've been rich. i've been completely alone and i've been surrounded. none of those things lasted very long but one thing constant: johnny. to me, that's security.

i feel bad for my mom but i think that's all part of her strategy, too. i've spent so much time trying to make her proud, make her happy and no time working on my own pride and happiness. i can truthfully say that everything i have done has been for her and yet i still can't bring myself to leave her to make my own life. i don't need her approval and i don't need her support. so, even though it's going to hurt both of us, i have to go. i can't live my life with my mom in it, unfortunately. god knows i have tried.

to be continued...

it's gonna be a little quieter

so, a lot has happened in the past week. but i choose to view all of them as good things, despite what it may sound like. you know that saying, all things happen for a reason? well, i believe it. i, of all people, need lots of good reasons for everything. which is why it's OK that i no longer have a job. yes, i lost it - which makes me the fourth adult living in this house that has become unemployed within the last four months. we are a bunch of very intelligent, highly capable and qualified people without any jobs. i can't quite blame all of this on the economy, but it definitely played a part. so, where's the silver lining? well, we had to make a silver lining ourselves. johnny and i decided to put 110% of our effort into starting the business we have been thinking about for a while now. we have been brainstorming like crazy and made some moves in the past few days to get the ball rolling. and we are very excited. scared, but excited. is it completely insane to start a new business right now? or is it a smart move? will we be able to get financing or are banks scared to loan money to anyone right now? we shall see what the next couple of weeks holds for us, but we'll either make the business float or we'll be desperately searching for a new job. the stakes are pretty high but i'm willing to bet on us. if you're curious about what kind of business it may be, i'll give you a hint - it has to do with printed media :) wish us luck!

ugableghflppbb

that pretty much sums it up. i die of boredom a little bit each day. i try not to gripe about my life too much cause i know nobody wants to hear it and pessimism is unhealthy. but seriously. i have it good compared to a great many people and i am fortunate. i am actually more happy overall now than i think i have ever been in my life. my only hang-up is i mourn the past too much. i dwell on how things should have been, and instead of focusing on how to change things, i get stuck. it's really quite frustrating and seeing as i don't have a god i can trust to just fix everything for me, i get pretty bummed about things i don't think the average person gets bummed about. this is something i've done for a very long time, as far back as i can remember! i have some ways of coping, but generally i do not handle stress very well. well, it may seem like i do but actually i don't. i perform relatively well under pressure but it takes a toll on me physically and mentally. then i get to marinate in resentment for a little while and that takes a further toll on me. see? it's a vicious cycle. so how do people deal with their stress, i wonder? how is it that they have a lot of the same issues i have (nobody is unique anymore, in terms of "problems") but they seem to deal with it and move on with life, as healthy and happy as before. is there something i am missing? a chemical? a technique learned in childhood?

boredom is my ultimate enemy. it causes me to ruminate too much. it causes me to mindlessly snack, or wander around the internet. it makes me want to sleep. it makes me want to do anything but what i am supposed to be doing. i am constantly bored at work. is that normal? it's tortuous for me cause i have to sit here and think about all the other stuff i could be doing at home, or in my life in general. i've realized that i am not the ambitious person my mother wants me to be - i am more of a homemaker, a teacher, a gardener, a caretaker, a nurse, a woman. i imagine all the feminists of the 60's would be highly disappointed in me, seeing as i spent 8 years to get a master's degree in architecture only to dream of being a housewife. i'm almost ashamed of it, but should i be? is it somehow demeaning cause it seems to be looked down on. i don't understand why women are expected to have a career and a family now, it just seems like there can't be both. one or the other. it's hard for me to make those kind of difficult decisions - take my licensing exam, or have children before my ovaries dry up? get LEED certified or save money for a baby? try to move up my position or spend more time preparing myself for having a family? how does one make a decision this tough? i can't even imagine what it would be like to be a single working mom, i just can't. it's a shame our country doesn't take care of it's women and children a little better. at least take good care fo the children so the women can worry less.

on the economy

you cannot escape all the talk about recession anymore. it's in every newspaper, radio, website and conversation. what i don't understand is how exactly we got to this point, because from my perspective, things look really dismal. fed cutting rates + falling dollar value + high fuel costs + high unemployment + rising food costs = ?????? what does this all mean? is this the year we fall? in a way, i'm kind of hoping it is. i think we need a wake-up alarm call as americans. we need to know that our country is only as great as we make it and hold ourselves accountable to it's prosperity. i know the average person feels helpless to make any difference but how do you know if you don't even try? i think in order to taste sweetness you have to know what bitter is, and our generation knows nothing of bitterness. we spend like crazy, hurt each other, hurt ourselves and blame everyone else. we have to evolve into a more responsible society and i am hoping that if we do enter a depression (i already consider this a recession, despite what "experts" say), it will act as a catalyst for change.

bibi's under the knife again

today bibi is having the TTA surgery on her right hind leg. She tore her cruciatus ligament and is having it repaired with a wire cage. i am worried sick about her but i have confidence in this doctor, unlike EVIL BANFIELD who screwed up her other leg. Did i mention that i hate BANFIELD and that they are evil, lying, money stealing, pill pushing, creless and inconsiderate buttholes? yes, they are. stay the hell away from them. if you don't believe me, google for yourself. anyways, she will be in the hospital overnight and hopefully tomorrow we'll have her back. i feel so bad for her, and i hope she is OK and the surgery is a success. please god.

other than that stressing me out, i have been having a nice day dreaming about living on a farm commune. yea, i am all kinds of distracted today, needless to say i can't get anything done at work. i am a terrible employee. i can't help it though! this is bloody boring work.

**update 04/02**

Bibi is finished with her sugery and it was a success. She is fine, as far as I could tell, and staying at the hospital until today. Johnny went out and got her a prosh crate and crate pad that's all comfy soft. In fact, louie and syrus have been sleeping in the crate since we set it up last night. i'll post pics of it later...

countdown to meltdown...

it's only a matter of time before poop hits the fan. i'm not talking about me. i'm talking about our economy. i really think we are in for a serious recession, the likes of which my generation has never seen, much less suffered.

i'm hearing on npr that the fed is stretching itself thin and lowering the interest rates is not going to help fix the economy. i'm worried because as it is, johnny and i are trudging by with what we make. yes, we could be more frugal - mainly I could be more frugal - but i'm not all that extravagant to begin with so inflation will hit us pretty hard. geez, the price of gas is already hurting. i hate that i have to even buy gas, stupid MARTA. times are going to get tough here soon and my concern is, what are we going to do?

the scary thing is, as civilization "advances" the common person is less and less equipped to take care of themselves in the case of an emergency like this. the government has become our crutch and it seems like without it all will fall apart. the most basic of needs like food and water - who can afford to pay $3 for a tomato, or find potable water if the water plants fail? we have basically set ourselves up to wither away and die without the support of a strong economy. it just seems very senseless to me. but before i get too hypocritical, i admit that i am just as plugged in as the next person. i'm trying to find a way to become more self-sufficient but it seems just like everything else, self-suffiency has a price tag. i am so glad i didn't buy that damn furniture, that would be one more thing to worry about in a world where there are more important things going on. i was gripped in a consumerist frenzy for a brief moment and now that i snapped out of it, i feel better.

so, let's think about our near future worst case scenario. gas is $5 a gallon. our grocery bill raises by 20%, and we still make the same amount of money at work (if we don't get laid off, god forbid) what do we do? i guess hunker down and wait it out. save as much money as possible and eat from our garden. what happens to our goals, our dreams? how long will we have to wait it out? what will we do if the absolute worst thing happens? let's say i lose my job, or johnny loses his. inflation is sky high and we can't pay the mortgage and our bills. what then? we'd have to consider moving? i can't lose my house and there ain't no way we can sell it. i just don't know. i feel very bad for people who have already met this face to face and are now living in a trailer or shelter. that can't happen to us, we have dogs.

all i can do for now is hope that things will work themselves out and try to prepare for the worst.

updated: here's an article that says it all.

more on health...

a fresh and newly inspired attempt at being healthy has once again struck. i had a visit with my doctor recently because i had some inexplicable chest discomfort that felt like a boulder was expanding in my chest which is, needless to say, alarming. i was afraid that my heart might actually give out on me. so the doctor pointed out the first obvious problem - my weight. i am at this point, considerably overweight. most of the weight has been gained in the past 6 years. the second issue that she pointed out after an ekg and exam is that my body is producing a "stress response". my body is under the impression that i am under some kind of duress and is responding by raising hormone levels and perpetuating my weight gain. the problem is, i am not really under any unusual stress. honestly, i am comparatively stress-free.

so, what could this stress be? anything. seriously, it could be the most minute little thing that builds up, or is combining with other little things which magnify, mulitply, whatever. here's my theory: my general health is fundamentally comprimised due to many factors, the majority of which is caused by my weight, so obviously i need to lose the weight. but that doesn't happen overnight so i need to have a plan b to follow while i lose the weight so a sudden illness or injury doesn't send me back to square 1 as it always seems to do. it's hard to exercise on a regular basis when you are sick, injured, in some kind of mysterious pain, tired, crabby, and hungry. but all of these things are inter-related so i will simply have to suffer through the symptoms and attack my lack of health regardless of how my peg leg feels or how depressed i am.

i have to thank the cosmos, or maybe modern technology, but it seems as though information (or inspiration) lands in my lap as though i conjured it with my mind. i literally was thinking about how to boost my nautral immune system so i can fend off the cold or flu or whatever might come my way. heck, i would be happy if my body could heal minor cuts and bruises in a timely and effective manner, and bam! in my email inbox is a newsletter about the immune boosting effects of meditation. also, this weekend i get a phone call out of the blue from my good pal kim who is telling me about the benefits of using a sauna. she mentioned that spending like 20 minutes in the sauna detoxifies your body as much your kidney would in 24 hours. don't quote me on that, but its definitely worth trying out.

all this in addition to the healthy steps i have already implemented and there may be hope for me yet. if you are wondering what healthy steps i have already implemented they are the following: completely quit smoking (yes, hard to believe i even had this horrible habit, thankfully i wasn't hopelessly addicted), i stopped eating so much junk food, quit drinking soda everyday, i actually did exercise regularly until my ankle broke, i learned to control my temper, i weeded the negatively influtential people in my life (ironically, my mother isn't quite in this catagory), and i began researching and implementing natural health remedies and techniques. this is monumental because before i was too stressed and depressed to really give a shit about hypericum perforatum and arnica gel and natural toothpaste. i give a shit now. a really big shit.

so i have a follow-up appointment with my doc in 4 weeks, and i would like to impress her by losing a few pounds by then. i am going to concentrate on eating less carbs and walking a little more. small steps. maybe with some positive reinforcement and some support i can emerge from my current situation a happier, healthier person.

landscape plan

wow. it worked. i scanned this little sketch on the copier at work and emailed it to myself and it worked! well, in case you have no clue what you are looking at, it is a site plan of my house. you have no idea how may times i have drawn this. at least 20 times. half of the time i draw it in CAD, just to be extra anal. anyways, i decided to take my time and be methodical about how exactly i want my yard to look. this may seem easy, but when you are me, it's not. pretend like there are about 50 pine trees at about 120 feet tall scattered all over the page. that's what my house currently looks like, and if you are seriously considering mowing down each and every one of those pines, you wanna be damn sure that you will be able to live with that decision.

the real site plan has so much stuff on it you won't be able to see what's going on so this is really more of a key plan than an actual site plan. you can see how my house is situated on the site, kind of at a slant to the corner of the two streets. i have a driveway that ends really close to that intersection which is a pain in the ass so i want to build a small turnaround driveway. we are also building a new front porch very soon. the rest of the diagram just shows blocks of the land sectioned in different colors, and this is what i want to discuss.



let's start with the teal green section at the lower left. it is called "lawn" because that is exactly what it is. a very pathetic lawn. now, i don't plan on going leave it to beaver and obsess over having a perfectly green lawn but johnny does need something to call his own so i am letting him have a lawn to mow and fertilize. if it's a success, he'll be happy and i'll be happy. my only rule, no harsh chemicals.

going counter-clockwise to the right, the light blue section is called "bird & butterfly". this is the section that i will truly enjoy building because it is actually for my neighbors. we have a lot of people walk past our house everyday and i want to make a little spot for them to sit and relax if they wish. i am going to have a bench with a birdbath and plenty of bird/butterfly houses. i will plant bird and butterfly attracting plants and it will be pretty and smell nice. even though we have a lot of sucky neighbors, maybe they will lighten up after enjoying this little garden. i also want to put a hammock there....there's all kind of possibilities.

next is the green section called "orchard". here i will plant fruit trees like apple, pear and fig. i would also like to grow some nut trees, too. this orchard will provide food for people and wildlife as well as provide shade and privacy for the house. along the fence i want to grow all kinds of berry bushes to camoflauge the dog's yard, which is highlighted in yellow.

the dog's yard is going to require the most work. johnny thinks he can grow grass out there, which would be ideal. i also plan to build some retaining walls to control the soil erosion and make a doggy obstacle course to keep the dogs entertained outside. if you have any ideas for this, please please please let me know. i am also thinking about having a pond and building a new patio behind the house but that will be last on the list.

last but definitely not least is my most dreamed about chicken coop and vegetable garden. here is the most protected part of the yard, away from traffic and out of sight. this would be the smartest place to keep the chickens in case i have neighbors who hate chickens. no roosters, just hens. they will have space here to roam and hang out in the sun or chill out in the shade. i might build a small fence to keep them safe. below the chickens will be my vegetable garden. this spot gets really good sun and good drainage, but it is highly visible from the street so i must have a decent looking garden. this is where my creativity will have to come into play. i want to have boulders and all kind of plants, not necessarily just vegetables. so, i guess my veggie garden will have more than one purpose. hopefully it will work out!

that's all for now, gotta get back to work!

It's 2008!!

I really have high hopes for this year. this is going to be a very good year, so help me god. or whoever's out there....

last year undoubtedly sucked, as i mentioned before and shall not dwell upon anymore, despite the several really good things that happened. but i swear nothing bad will happen in 2008. i am going to work harder to make it so. that means i will be more careful, more thoughful, more diligent, more honest, more disciplined, more inquisitive, more aware, and put my health at the upmost priority. i have made a few subtle changes recently that i think will carry over to make 2008 a better year. i am really putting into effect some eco-conscious rituals at my house. i am using better products, learning more and more about living a greener life. i am going to take up gardening more often and learn how to grow things (first i need some sunlight which means i need to cut down some trees!!) and how to store them. i have been cooking more, broadening my repitoire of recipes and experimenting (successfully!!) with my own concoctions.

by the way, I AM DONE ENTERING MY IDP CREDITS!!!!! jeez, that was a pain in the ASS. now all i have left to do is mail off the packet to my old supervisor an he then signs off and mails it out to ncarb. after tallying up all my credits so far i have burned through 487.71 with 212.79 to go. holy sheet. that means i can probably start testing by fall. i need to be leed certified by then or else i will never do it. i hate tests!!!!

for new years, i got johnny and i tickets to see a stand-up comedian. it was my first comedy show so i didn't know what to really expect, but it was actually really good. the comedian's name was tom simmons. johnny and i ate not the most stellar food so next time we will eat beforehand. then we went home and i played final fantasy until about 15 minutes before midnight then we watched the ball drop on times square. man, dick clark is OLD. i thought the man was dead but he still looks the same, even though he sounds like he's 100. anyways, right after that i played more final fantasy then went to bed.

we had a pretty relaxing holiday, did some thorough cleaning and a little organizing. i am going to switch my office with the guest room and we are going to have a huge garage sale to get rid of a bunch of crap. 2008 is about being happy, healthy and content. we don't need so much crap and i refuse to just buy everything retail. i shop craigslist.

oh, and i almost forgot. i planned on getting pregnant fall 2008. we shall see how that goes. if i still like johnny by then maybe we'll hook up.

the shitstorm....and other stuff

having a house is great. privacy, freedom to do what you want, the ability to really decorate the interior, having a place you can truly call "home". what people may not realize is that there are about a million things that can go wrong with a house and it is up to YOU (or in my case johnny) to fix it - whether you know how to or not. as of right now, we have a leaky roof, no insulation, a scorched front porch, half-finished painting, mildew growing on the exterior, gutters that are detaching from the house, rats living in the basement, a heater that we just recently got to work, a doorbell that went senile and had to be taken out, cracks that you can actually see outside through, about a foot of pinestraw on the roof, a kitchen floor that sags, a bathtub that leaks and will probably fall through the floor soon, and half of the electrical outlets and switches that need replacing and/or a switchplate. and as soon as you get one thing under control another thing breaks down. and i hate it when my stepbrother is the one to break the news. last time we woke up to fire but this time right before bed saturday night he tells us that raw sewage is filling up the basement bathroom.

what do we do? there's nothing except don't flush any more toilets and hope that everything will go away by morning. not so much. first thing sunday morning johnny tackled the sewage problem. poor johnny. he hates to smell stinky things - it makes him gag. i have to admit, having a man around the house sure comes in handy cause i didn't even go downstairs to see the situation. all i know is johnny spent all morning trying to figure out how to fix it. it took a 25' long snake and some serious chemicals to unclog the sewer pipe. i wasn't so happy about the chemicals but it was either that or run the risk of flooding the basement in poopwater.

johnny needs a man of the year award for all the crap he's had to put up with since moving up here. i am very proud of how he handles everything - i mean, i'd be cranky too if i was elbow-deep in poo.

i would have just called a plumber.

in other weekend news, johnny and i went to the west end to help move my mom's office for the hundreth time. that woman does not understand the meaning of portability. her freakin desk was unreasonably heavy. and those damn sun faded burnt orange cruched velvet sectional couches from the 60's - yeah you don't need to see a picture to know how hideous they are - those couches have beeen all over the world and back. we brought them into the space she is using for her dollar store and also to check out our future business space. not happenin'. it's a nice space and would be perfect but she wants us to just use a couple of rooms in the back. hell naw - if we wanted to work in a closet, we can set up shop in our basement. we need a real shop. i was kind of pissed cause this is so typical of my mom. dangle the carrot and right before you chomp it shrinks down to a pea. or you take a bite and realize you have just sold your soul to satan...

so if we are gonna start small with a basement press room then we are gonna stay at home and forget about the govt loan and starting off with a huge 4 color press. we start small. i guess that's how many successfull businesses start, huh?

and last but not least johnny applied to the digital design program at Ai. i am very happy and he's nervous but i think he will be an excellent student. winter quarter begins january 7th. what a great way to start off 2008!

i finally get to open the calendar that inspires me so much - the front of it says "live with intention". i really like that saying.

baby talk

i'm just going to get this one post out of the way while i'm thinking about it and in the mood to write about it. it seems like the past two years the subject of spawning children has been thrown in my face everywhere i go. at work there were at least 3 or 4 women pregnant at all times. i start hearing about so-and-so from college who got married to you-know-who and had kids. then, my good friend V dropped a bombshell recently and announced her pregnancy. so, now i'm starting to feel left behind. but not to the point where i wanna go out and get knocked up immediately, so it's all good. but it's gonna happen - eventually.

this is monumental, folks. i am not a wanna-have-a-baby type of girl. i do not get all mushy over a baby like some women do. yeah, some kids are cute but mostly i just see a drooling little parasite that requires constant upkeep. i seriously prefer dogs. i watch those birth stories on tlc in complete shock and horror, like i've just seen a train wreck. the thought of the birthing process grossed me out completely. but the funny thing is, breaking my ankle changed my view. i'm sure my orthopedic surgeon had no idea how much his words would make a difference to me after he set my leg back into place. PAIN was being redefined as i screamed at the top of my lungs and he pulled and twisted my broken tibia and fibula back into a resemblance of an ankle. it all happened quickly, and he was very efficient but it hurt like hell nonetheless. afterwards he looked at me and said "childbrith will be a breeze for you now". and i thought ... really?

so now i'm not as hypersensitive about the pain of it all and i was able to really do some reasearch about the childbirth process. see, i research the hell out of things when i am worried about it... like death, starting a new business, changing careers, etc... anyways, that on top of my enthusiatically pregger friend V who has slowly transitioned me from a woman who likened giving birth with the horrible scene from Alien when the worm-like thing popped from that guy's stomach to actually planning my future birth. I'm close to a point where getting pregnant might not feel like the end of the world to me. but if i think about it too hard it still kind of freaks me out. but yeah, giving birth is undeniably the most amazing thing that humans can do. too bad it's been all chopped up and prepackaged for many women....

so, about a year or so ago i began a personal diary sort of thing to prepare and guide myself through pregnancy and raising kids. i did this as a failsafe to my admittedly instable personality. i don't ever want to take out my emotions on my kid. i want to make sure that i don't scar my kids for life by saying something i didn't mean to or doing something i didn't realize hurt them. it's actually kind of frightening how much power and influence a parent has over their kid - for example, my mother said to me once when i was really little, like 5 or 6 yrs old - "don't be a selfish pig" in reference to me wanting something (i think it was food). for some reason that line stuck with me for the rest of my life and it influenced me negatively in so many things, both conscious and subconscious. i am sure she didn't realize what she said would do that, but nonetheless it became a part of who i am. it made me insecure, worry about what others would think of me, worried that i really was a selfish pig, worried that nobody would like me because i was so awful. it also made me think i was fat since i was 6. i remember quite clearly sitting in the bathtub and thinking to myself "i am a fat kid" at that age. my mother had no idea. she's a totally different person now, but i don't want to make that same mistake. i think my sister has the same exact idea as i do. everything she does for her kids are an attempt to avoid the damage our mother did to us. in her defense, my mother was tormented in her youth, too. she didn't know any better, and i can forgive her for that. but i could not live with myself if i had that kind of effect on my kids. so i will do everything i can think of in my power to keep myself from unintentionally undermining my kid's self-esteem or confidence. or trust in me.

back to the diary - it's basically a collection of tips and advice i have found in various places - some of my own thoughts about how i want to raise my kids. rules, mission statements, guidelines, and of course the list of baby names i like. who deosn't have that? occasionally johnny and i will throw around some names we like and recently i actually made up a name that we both liked - mavelyn. it is actually fun to dream about having kids - i think maybe more fun than actually going through it. i have random thoughts throughout the day and a really bad memory so i have to keep a running file on my computer at work to jot down stuff i want to read later when the time comes. well, that's not such a secure way to store such information so i've been thinking about keeping it here on my blog - which i really write in for my kids and myself in the future anyways. and i would love to read comments on them. believe it or not, unlike many people, i am pretty open to criticism. design studios have taught me that ability. so, withought further rambling i would like to post the first piece from my raising my kids diary.

Baby Girl Names I Like: Abigail, Alexis, Autumn, Amber, Audrey, Carlee, Chloe, Cordelia, Dierdre, Emmelia (another one i made up), Eleanor, Fawn, Fern, Genevieve, Grace, Gwyneth, Gillian, Hannah (my bff in korea's name), Hailey, Harmony, Hazel, Justine, Keilani, Kimora, Kailee, Lidia, Lily, Lealana, Matilda, Madeline, Meadow, Melody, Mabel, Malorie, Mila, Morgana, Mavelyn, Noemi, Olivia, Oliana, Phoebe, Piper, Pomona, Rhiannon, Sophia, Scarlet, Tabitha, Vivien, Virginia, Willow, and Wilhelmina. I like middle names that are flowers or animals for some reason. very hippy and cliche but i like 'em.

Baby Boy Names I Like: Arthur, Adam, Ashton, Benjamin, Bradley, Cole, Conan, Connor, Colm, Daniel, Devan, Dylan, Elliot, Ethan, Finley, Fredrick, Garret, Gareth, Harold, Harrison, Ian, Jarrod, Joshua, Jeremiah, Jeremy, Jacob, Kieran, Kevin, Kinsey, Korbin, Liam, Lucas, Maddox, Maxwell, Miles, Oliver, Owen, Percival, Perry, Phillip, Quinn, Reese, Remy, Russell, Seth, Sean, Stanley, Thomas, Tristan, Theo, Victor, Vaughn, Warren and Wilbur.

I didn't find as many boy names I like and there are a ton of names, all of which seem over-used. Most of them are really irish or biblical, neither of which really fits in with me. If I wanted to go norweigan and korean we would have some ugly baby names. it'll sound like hawking a loogie. I want to try to find at least one name I like for every letter of the alphabet. Girl names are definitely a lot more fun. We've decided that I'll pass on my surname to our daughter and Johnny will pass his to our son. that way we can continue the sort of matriarchal surname tradition on my side of the family and johnny can pass his name down, too. seeing as he is the only boy in his family that still has the potential to hand down the family name....

life plans

i just have to get something out of my head first cause it's haunting me. last night i saw a puppy dying on the side of the street. it must have gotten hit by a car. it seemed to look straight at me, and the image is burned into my head. i hate to see shit like that, it bothers me very badly for days. i was depressed all last night. but johnny helped to make it better by making me my favorite dish - spaghetti. he hates it when i am sad. which is like a lot these days. i think it's just a mix of pms and bad luck but he thinks i might actually suffer from depression. well, whatever. who doesn't? my problem is that i dwell obsessively on the morbid and negative. i can't help it. i really really wish that i didn't do that. i like to think i am an optimistic person with enthusiasm. on the other hand for some reason too much beauty and happiness also makes me cry - some things seem to me too awesome to handle. wtf? what's wrong with me? either way my emotions are extreme and all bottled up inside cause i can't explain it. maybe i should really find a therapist. johnny wants hypnotherapy to quit smoking. at this point, i agree. i can't stand it anymore. it gives me headaches and makes it that much more difficult to breathe when i already have asthma. he also smells like smoke all the time. it sucks. more importantly, he's killing himself slowly which pisses me off the most. he is otherwise perfectly healthy. quit smoking, dammit. he is trying a bit - got patches and nicotine gum. 2008 is going to be a good year, remember?

now that the bad stuff is out of the way i can focus on the good stuff. such as life plans. i've always sort of just sat back and let life lead me but now i want to lead my life. i know in the back of my head what i need to do, but in typical ocd heather fashion, i must list and categorize it first. to start off, i need to take my LEED AP exam and get it over with. i have put that off for waaaay too long. that's me being lazy. which is my default status unless there's a fire lit under me. i also need to get my IDP credits signed off by ex-boss asap. like by january asap. once i have that out of the way, i imagine i will get busier at work. during that time i am going to help johnny as much as possible to get through school. he wants to go to AI to learn graphic design. i think he should get the digital design associate but he has to apply for financial aid first. while he's in school i am going to figure out how to finance our business. we have some leads i just need to follow up. we came up with a really good business plan to start an environmentally friendly printing company to cater to the green businesses in atlanta. we are going to start off applying for a govt. subsidied loan for new businesses in a dehabilitated area of town. it's actually a part of downtown that is growing rapidly and hopefully we can contribute to its revitalization by offering services to local walk-in customers like internet/computer access and recycling. i hope we can open our business by next summer. i know that's a stretch but it's a starting point. my other business idea is to start a pedicab/ rickshaw service in buckhead but i am in no shape to be bicycling around buckhead, much less carrying people. johnny smokes too much to do that too, so we'll go with the print shop. johnny knows everything about printing so we have some expertise already in the bank. this can also be a way to sell some bamboo/hemp printed t-shirts like we originally wanted.

at some point, johnny and i will have to consider ourselves. i originally wanted to start a family by the time i was 28. that milestone has passed. i am facing 30 in 6 months and even though i do want a kid, the thought of actually having one scares me almost to death. that's a whole another topic...

14 acres & a 60th bday

johnny and i just got home from dry pond where my mom is probably still belting out korean karaoke songs. it's her 60th bday and a bunch of her friends came over to eat and sing. unfortunately, my poor mom has a very bad ear infection and she is in quite a bit of pain. but nothing can stop my mom from having a party. when i was a kid, she used to invite all her friends to my birthday party and it always ended up being more her party than mine but i got used to it; i liked to see my mom having a good time. i can only take so much karaoke, though. she loved the digital picture frame - everyone was oohing and aahhing over it. i also gave her the shiitake mushroom log all wrapped up. i think her friends were jealous at all the awesome gifts she got.....



before the party, johnny and i went to 14 acres and surveyed the land. we let louie run around (we left syrus and bibi at home) and we hiked along the creek as far back as we dared to go with the daylight fading. i am falling in love with this land - it's pretty wild. there's little to no evidence of people being there - i found a really old rusted soda can and someone long ago carved their name on a tree by the banks of the creek. the ground is completely covered in a thick blanket of leaves, which made walking the land treacherous. i almost broke my legs when i stepped into a deep hole that had been filled with leaves. i fell as though the ground gave away beneath me, like in a cartoon, up to my knees. for a split second i panicked but it was no big deal.



i totally love the creek - it winds between our land and the neighbors - everything to the right of the creek is ours and everything to the left belongs to another farm. they have cows. the creek has some small waterfalls - and even beavers! we saw at least 3 beaver dams - so cute. we saw evidence of busy beavers all around the banks of the creek - all the trees had been chewed about a foot from the ground in a perfect conical shape. the creek is definitely the highlight of the property - but most of it just looks like this:



....lots and lots of leaves and tall scraggly trees. i don't recall seeing any pines - a blessing! i hate pines! i have enough of them at my house. occasionally we come across big hardwood trees that grow in a clump. i think they are birch trees? i love them. see the carving? we are going to bush hog all of the small brush but leave the bigger trees. the land will look very different after that.

desperately needed hope and inspiration

despite the fact that johnny and i had to wake up and leave the house by 6:30 am, i am in very good spirits today. i took marta and met my mom at our second southface sustainable roundtable. this roundtable's topic was food. i was all over it as soon as i heard about it. i knew my mom would be down for it so we signed up. there were three speakers - a guy who does urban farming programs, a master chef, and a co-housing community farmer. it was very interesting and heartwarming and i listened to every word. after the lectures, i went straght up to the co-housing guy and asked him about interning on his farm. he said he had one spot left and that i could apply. so right away i emailed him when i got to work.

i also spoke to a lady from UGA's agriculture dept. and she gave me information about a certificate program in sustainable farming. since the alpaca farm didn't reply to me, i think i am going to have to go through contacts via southface - but that's even better! oh my god - i feel so much closer to my dream i am overwhelmed with hope and inspiration. one thing unanimously agreed upon is that georgia needs more - more organic farmers, more sustainable processing facilities, more farmer's markets and CSA's. the demand is there and strong - we just need more people to supply. during lectures my mom would lean over and whisper into my ear about roof gardens on her hotel and having ricky spread chicken poop on the 14 acres.... oh my god.... my 14 acres.

i am going to have to name it soon.... mom has dry pond but i want something unique and expressive. when johnny and i walked around the land it was nothing but a forest of small hardwood trees. relatively few pines and a few larger hardwoods. it's atop a pretty steep hill but there's plenty of flatness. there's a bubbling creek at the bottom of the hill, alongside the property line that has a small waterfall. the ground is soft and organic - and the only access is a dirt road alongside the interstate. we will have to put sound dampening skyrocket junipers and probably a bridge of some sort to cross over the really deep culvert, but first and foremost i must plant the orchard. this weekend i am going to visit the site again and i'll post pictures. i am pretty excited!