what is love? baby don't hurt me...

it's especially hard right now to be optimistic, have motivation, or be certain of anything. when times get tough i only have to look at my goofy dogs or my sweet soon-to-be hubby and i feel a million times better. i know i have to be strong for them and i know they are there for me. that's the kind of love i would rather have than copious amounts of money or fame or hot men chasing after me. this is the fundamental difference between my mother and i. she looks at life as if it were a chess game, each move carefully strategized in a campaign to win (or in her case, rule the world). it's such a painfully archaic way of thinking that i don't feel mad at her so much as sorry for her. she obviously has always felt it necessary to outthink her opponents, to live life with the sole intention of success; never able to just let things happen naturally. she fights the very concept of time and aging. to me, it's a losing battle. it's a waste of precious time you could spend being happy and loved.

my mom truly believes that a successful career and an elitist, white collar husband is the only path to happiness for me. what i've always tried to explain to her is that i'd rather live in a tent with my 3 dogs and the love of my life than live in a mansion with some stranger i despise.

i don't blame her for wanting me to be secure but what is security? what is insecurity? i've been poor, i've been rich. i've been completely alone and i've been surrounded. none of those things lasted very long but one thing constant: johnny. to me, that's security.

i feel bad for my mom but i think that's all part of her strategy, too. i've spent so much time trying to make her proud, make her happy and no time working on my own pride and happiness. i can truthfully say that everything i have done has been for her and yet i still can't bring myself to leave her to make my own life. i don't need her approval and i don't need her support. so, even though it's going to hurt both of us, i have to go. i can't live my life with my mom in it, unfortunately. god knows i have tried.

to be continued...