unbelievable loss...

my uncle Hans passed away monday morning. he was 57 years old. he had a massive heart attack and died instantly. he leaves behind two grown sons, a wife and a young grandson. He was a very strong-willed man with a good heart and deep love for his family. he went on a journey of self-discovery and travelled to china to learn chinese medicine. he came back to the U.S. in late 90's to practice acupuncture and herbalism. he has given acupuncture treatments to just about everyone in the family (including me and johnny).

uncle hans loved the children in our family so intensely. when i was little he used to pinch my cheeks and nibble on my nose and just squeeze me hard. he had such an exuberant laugh and a bright smile. he was a humble man, with personal turmoils that he struggled with but never troubled anyone else with.

uncle hans never stopped trying to improve himself. he practiced calligraphy and studied medicine in his spare time. he had a small acupuncture practice and helped run a dollar store with his wife.

i regret that i didn't spend more time with my uncle. we used to have family gatherings around the holidays and the favorite thing to do was sing karaoke. uncle hans was the only boy among his siblings and the only one to pass on the family name to his sons.

i'll miss uncle hans very much. he was the man of the family and always available to help. i'll miss him.

trying not to drown

in self-pity and pessimism. it seems like we are just simply screwed. everyone is having a tough time, everything is lousy. there is just a few precious drops of hope that evaporate as each day passes. could it be that we have to hit rock bottom before we get a break? in any case, things need to brighten up soon - i hate this feeling of failure. i am still happy and grateful for the people around me but right now gas being $4.89 is making it really tough to do anything. it's making me mad, too. did you know some gas stations will charge you an extra .07 cents a gallon for using your card at the pump? is that freakin' evil or what???

johnny's dad gets better one day then gets worse the next. it's bewildering.

do you know what it's like to live in a place where the daytime heat index reaches 95 degrees with relative humidity of 59%?!? At night the heat goes down to 78 or so with the same amount of humidity. it's the closest thing to hell on earth - especially if you have big boobies. i want a big de-humidifier for our apartment.

there's an empty house right next door to johnny's parents that i have actually fallen in love with. i keep going over there to snoop around and i just LOVE the backyard - it's like a secret garden. i have to take pictures and upload them for you to see...

swept away

this would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.... our beach house that we rented for the wedding got swallowed by the ocean. apparently the last few storms really took a toll on hunting island, which has been eroding away quite fast for a while now. they revitalized the beach by dumping more sand but the south end of the island just gets dissolved regardless. there have already been several cabins lost to the sea, and the one we rented just recently. so, we'll have to move to another cabin - unless we want to wade out to our old one.

there... and back again.

we were gonna move. but at the last minute, we decided it wasn't the right time. so we just visited beaufort - again. and for just a week, but it feels like longer. it's hard to get on the internet out there! by now, the dogs are used to driving for hours, eating meals in the car, playing at rest stops and staying at their cousin's house. it's like a traumatic childhood, huh?

we are still moving, though. we just needed more time to see how things played out. living day-to-day. it's hard to make decisions when you have so many options but so very little resources. it's like the toughest game of chess you ever played - with your future at stake. what's ironic is that i feel more in my element now than i did when things were stable. i'm used to moving around, temporary living arrangements and traveling. it makes me wonder if i am even well-suited to the american dream lifestyle of living in a house with a new car, 2 kids and a dog. i think i might have been a nomadic mongoloid in a past life. i dont mind the idea of living in a yurt and living off the land actually. ok, snap back to reality.

we are also still getting married. neither one of us has chickened out yet, so that must mean something! Except now we have to pay for everything ourselves and the theme of my wedding went from beach to bohemian over the course of the last couple weeks. i found a dress to wear for $49 from a store in the mall. i'm going to keep it a surprise from johnny but i can tell you that it's a cute dress. not a wedding dress in the slightest, though. kim was dissappointed - she wants there to be more lace and silk and ruffles. she wants shoe-dress-hair coordination going on and i don't even plan on bothering with shoes. like i said before, i just want my guests to be there, food and drink, and someplace for us to sleep (even if it's under the stars in the sand). i'm pretty excited, i think it's going to be the best day of my life.

johnny's dad is doing much better. he's got his own room on the 7th floor and he can talk. maybe he'll be well enough to come to the wedding, but i'm not going to count on it. i'm just happy he's still with us.