moving

johnny and i are getting ready to move down to beaufort by september 1. we've packed up most of the house and now we are just waiting to find someone to rent our house and get a job. the job market right now is terrible, we have put in countless applications for all kinds of jobs and nothing. we really want to have our own business but can't find a bank that will accept our souls for a few grand. we are just going to have to ride out this economy and trim down our lifestyle to the bare minimum. we'll have most of our stuff in storage and live out of a few suitcases while we stay in beaufort.

i plan to help out johnny's family as much as i can and try to make a few bucks wherever possible. i'm going to put my energy into cooking nutritious meals and keeping everyone as healthy as possible. i'm going to be pinching pennies everywhere and keeping my ear to the ground for any opportunity that may present itself.

the bad news just keeps rollin' in, though. johnny's dad finally lost his leg to the staph infection. the poor guy was on vancomycin for weeks in the hospital but his left foot did not improve. to keep the infection from spreading, they amputated his leg below the knee. just when we thought he was improving, he's actually taken a turn for the worst and now all we can do is hope and pray. i know he's not my dad, he's not even my father-in-law yet, but i consider him family and i care about his well being a great deal. i don't know if i can ever forget the time we spent visiting him in the hospital, most of which he was sedated for. the last couple of days we were in savannah his dad finally awoke and was aware of the people around him. he couldn't speak with all the tubes, not to mention his weakened state, but he tried to communicate with us with great effort. it was kind of heartbreaking to see him trying to tell you something but not being able to understand him at all. his eyes would plead but his mouth could not form the words.

he was parched and begged us for water but we could not give him any for fear of pneumonia. we were able to swab the inside of his mouth a little bit and he had some relief. it was kind of funny because he would moan "aaahhhhh" "ahhhhh" cause it felt so good to have a cool damp cloth wiped over his face and inside his mouth. we were all dressed in gowns with gloves and masks and took turns talking to him and tending to him. then, he looked at me intently and said something which sounded like "ooo betty" over and over... i finally figured out what he was trying to say - it was "your pretty". i tried to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks because i couldn't believe he would spend his energy trying to tell me something like that. he was saying it like it was imperative that he tell me i was pretty. or maybe it was the antibiotics talking... anyways, i'll never forget that.

then, not too long ago, i found out from my real dad that things weren't going so good for him either. he had gone out of business. nobody was going on vacation it seemed so his timeshare and travel/vacation business went under. i had called to ask him for money to help pay for the wedding. how awful did i feel?

to me, this is like the depression. it's the time of my life where i will look back and be thankful for the things that i did have. it's a period of time where you have to find inner strength and courage. and it's only a period of time, not a lifetime. i know there are many people who suffer worse conditions, worse tragedies, and nobody to turn to. i am so very thankful to have friends and family there for me.

gettin' hitched - plan A

smooshie's first outdoor sleepover. he's scared witless. 03/10/05

our wedding is coming up real fast, and even though we've got so much crap going on in our lives, i am not stressin' my wedding day plans at all. the only thing i'm concerned with is getting the beachhouse paid for and making sure everyone has food to eat. that's it. i don't give a flyin' shit about anything else. i don't care what people wear, what i'm gonna wear, what colors we are going to decorate with or anything like that. mother nature is going to provide the lighting, the venue and there's no way i can top that with some silly streamers.

we decided to have our wedding on Hunting Island for many reasons - first of all, we love that place. it has a lot of good memories for us, going to the beach and camping out. i'll never forget the time i took shai and jess and syrus (he was our only dog back then) camping out there with johnny. we drove all the way to the campsite and got there just in time to use the last hour of sunlight to set up camp. we got everything out and was trying to quickly put the tent together only to realize that someone forgot to pack the damn tent supports. johnny had to drive all the way back into town to buy us a new tent at wal-mart. meanwhile, shai, jess and i built a campfire and waited in the near-dark. syrus was so scared out of his wits (he had never spent the night outside before) he wouldn't leave the circle of light thrown by our campfire. nearly caught his tail on fire. it was hilarious. we cooked sausages on the fire and syrus toughened up a little bit to protect the sausages.

Hunting Island is also really close to johnny's family. they all live in beaufort which is a short drive from the island. savannah is only an hour away so a lot of my friends from college can come to the wedding. Hunting Island is also the most beautiful place on the east coast, in my opinion.

there won't be very many people at the wedding, mostly close friends and family. i don't expect much more than 40 people to show up. my sis and her kids will be there. hopefully shai will be there (she's coming from india!). of course, kim's gonna be there. most of johnny's family will be there, too. my real father will be there as well.



i rented out a pavilion right next to the beautiful light house. it's a small pavilion and i'm only going to decorate it with some twinkling lights in the rafters. i'm going to serve normal food, not lttle puff pastries filled with foi gras or some shit like that. we'll have carolina bbq and maybe some pita pit food :) if all goes well, we might even have live music provided by johnny's nephew david. he plays drums. the pavilion is just steps away from the beach, where we will have our ceremony. we don't have a pastor or reverend or anything like that. our good friends vanessa and andrew will be marrying us, and i can't think of anything better than that.

these are the days of our lives....

sometimes my life feels like a soap opera. my mom is definitely a soap opera character. she's very proud, commanding, manipulative, and sometimes just plain crazy. one day she's happy, sweet, and fun to be around. the next day she's stabbing you in the back with an ice pick and watching while you beg for mercy. my stepfather, on the other hand, is her complete opposite. he's very meek and kind of simple-minded. he wouldn't dare talk back to my mom. naturally, she walks all over him. she's got him by the balls and he's pretty much her slave. at any given time of the year, family members from my mom's side of the family are quarelling. right now, my uncle and youngest aunt are not speaking to my mother. neither am i. my sister managed to escape the drama that is our family and moved to texas.

i wont air all our family's dirty laundry, not because i care but because it's just too much shit to write down. let's just say we got some serious history. especially me and my mom. our relationship is, to say the least, contentious.

we have had knock-down drag out fights in public places, screaming matches during family gatherings, and serious amounts of time not talking to each other. the funny thing is, out of all the people in our family, my mother and i are the closest. only because i'm the only person who has been able to put up with her shit and defend myself. it's really sad because i'm sure that we aren't really as close as a normal mother and daughter.

regardless of all the stuff that has happened between us, i always end up coming back to my mom. it's a very masochistic habit that i totally recognize but can't break. she's my mother. i kinda hoped that she would love me unconditionally and be there for me when i needed her. unfortunately, those are the last two things my mother does - love unconditionally and be there for me. whenever i got into trouble, i had to turn to everyone else but my mom. she would never help me out of any situation or sympathize with me. her advice to me was always tough it out.

well, i believe that we have finally reached the last straw.

when i told my mom that johnny and i were going to get married this october, she was not happy at all. she told me she was disappointed in me. that we would never get anywhere together and our future is not going to be happy. i wasn't prepared for this reaction, so i couldn't really say anything. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. but it all makes sense. me marrying johnny just doesn't fit into her grand scheme of things. she wants me to get licensed, start a firm and basically be her in-house architect. kinda like she has her own personal assistant and aesthetician and lawyer and doctor. she knows that if i marry johnny, i might just decide to get pregnant and have a family and ditch my career. well, she's absolutely right.

what she said to me hurt me pretty bad. it felt like a cold knife in the heart. i expected her to take over my wedding planning but now she might not even attend our wedding. i am pretty sad that she's taking this route, but in a way i should have expected it. she did this to my sister. i almost forgot how hard she tried to get paula to leave bobby. i forgot how hard it was for paula to tell mom that she was pregnant again. why does our mom have to be like that? paula is happily married with two beautiful kids. i'm pretty sure i will be, too.

so, johnny and i decided that we want to be happy and surround ourselves with family and friends we love. there's nothing keeping us in atlanta. we are coastal small town folk. we like our funky smelling air and sand in everything. we like south carolina barbeque and big open skies. we are moving back to the coast - savannah. we'll be close to beaufort and it's a place where i would like to have kids. our dogs love the beach and so do we.

our wedding is october 18, 2008 on hunting island beach. it's going to be a very small wedding.

puppy trippin'

don't let this face fool you.

having a puppy is probably the next closest thing to having a hyperactive toddler. we love our little step-puppy Nadia but that dog can get into some serious trouble. first of all, she likes to chew on everything. rugs, pillows, extension cords, furniture, everything but doggie toys. which is fine, louie went through the same exact phase (he ate a chunk out of my backseat) but nadia scared us to death with her mischevious puppy antics friday morning.

i got up to let the dogs outside and since it was so cool i decided to keep the back door open to air out the house a bit. then i went back to my bed and rested while waiting for johnny to wake up. a few minutes later, i hear nadia playing happily with something on the back porch and i look over to see her chewing on a plastic vitamin bottle. i went over and took it away from her. the label was practically all chewed off, but i made out the name of the supplement which was 5htp. 5htp is a seratonin booster. I noticed the cap had been chewed off and there was a bunch of gooey capsules stuck to the bottom of the bottle. i threw it away. i laid back down for a bit.

30 minutes later, i notice things are unusually quiet and just as i listen for the dogs, i hear a yelp. i called out for nadia (my 3 dogs were standing next to me) and no response. so, i figure she got stuck somewhere in the backyard or, (god forbid) she got hurt and can't move. so i immediatly fly into action, put on a house dress and flip-flops and go out looking for nadia.

i found her curled up in a patch of ivy amidst the bamboo trees, crying and looking like she's in pain. she wouldn't move. she had peed herself and was crying. i never seen a dog actually cry but she had tears rolling down her cheeks, it was pitiful and heartbreaking. i thought she might have broken a leg or something but she didn't seem to have any injuries. i didn't know what to do, so i picked her up and brought her inside where she continued to cry yelp and carry on. I could not find any clues as to what was causing her so much pain. i yelled at johnny to help me and we began looking for emergency vets and called mason (nadia's daddy) to tell him what was going on. we called poison control to see what effects 5htp would have on a dog and they didn't say much other than headache and being wobbly. poor nadia was quickly getting worse. we left for the nearest vet and arranged to meet mason there.

unfortunately, the vet we went to was quite ill equipped to handle this situation. they were a small private practice working out of an old house and they referred up to GVS - georgia veterinary specialists. we drove all the way there and gave nadia to the nurses. we really couldn't explain what was wrong with her so they explained the costs of looking at her and they took her to the back. mason was still on his way, so i gave them permission to look at her until he got there. i then realized i was standing in this really nice pet hospital in sandy springs wearing my house dress and flip flops, hair still messy and teeth not brushed. we waited. waited some more. the vet hospital was really really nice, with a greenspace in the back and artwork everywhere. finally mason showed up and i explained everything for like the tenth time.

my guess was she had chewed and swallowed something that was blocking her bowels or something like that. i was pretty sure the xray would show something crazy in her stomach like a kitchen knife or something and she would need surgery. i felt awful, just terrible. poor nadia.

finally the doctor came out and brought us to the exam room where she asked us exactly what happened. i explained everything with as many details as i could. she then asked if we had any illegal drugs in our house that nadia could have gotten into. mason and i looked at each other. i confessed to her that i smoke pot but the dog had no way of getting into it. (plus, i have seen the effects of weed on a dog and it aint nothing like that...) so she then explained to us that nadia was hallucinating. i was kind of shocked - i didn't know what to think. the doc said nadia's clinical presentation is that of a neurological problem - her eyes were completely dilated, she couldn't follow objects with her eyes and her blood pressure was high but heart rate low. all i could think in my head was, ohmigod, she's tripping...

so, what next? the doctor confirmed the effects of 5htp on a dog with the animal poison control and told us that nadia should be OK, she just has to flush the drug out of her system with fluids and take a medicine that counteracts the 5htp. we were quite relieved. after hearing that, we were so happy she was going to be ok that we couldn't help but laugh at the situation. i about had a heart attack thinking nadia was going to die and really all it was was a bad trip. johnny (trying to pretend not to be a smartass) asked the doctor if nadia would suffer from flashbacks.

apparently 5 htp is quite toxic to dogs and they can easily overdose with a small amount. it can be fatal... luckily she didn't seem to have ingested that much. mason took nadia home with some meds and nadia seemed to be bouncing back immediately. thank goodness!

beaufort & savannah

i swear i took this picture with my own camera. isn't beaufort picturesque? i love the lowcountry.

i just wanted to hop onto this porch and pretend to be scarlett o'hara for a while...


look at this big old canon. it's old. really old.

downtown beaufort. in its entirety.

a quick snapshot of savannah river as i fly past on talmadge bridge. nice shot, eh?

wtf kind of caterpillar is this? johnny claims that it is covered in poisonous thorns that hurt really bad if you touch it. he thinks that about all bugs, though...

a better shot of downtown savannah from the bridge. i can photograph at high speeds, woo hoo!

talmadge bridge. gateway to south carolina.

the wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round!

the dogs have gotten quite used to riding in the car. actually, they kinda love it. all of them like to stick their heads out the window. bibi likes to sit up front, lean her right arm out of the window and rest her paw on the side mirror (which she ended up breaking off). syrus balances himself by propping up a back leg against the seat. louie just sits like a little kid and stares out of the window.

syrus is very alert in the car. he can recognize where he is going when he sees the following landmarks: McDonald's = cheeseburger. winding road through neighborhood = lake. horse farm = uncle jimmy's house in beaufort. short drive through beaufort = beach. speed humps = home. talmadge bridge = auntie kim's in savannah. he gets all excited and starts whining and jumping all over the place. it's really entertaining.

the wrath of nature

johnny and i drove back to atlanta from beaufort today and of course we picked the shittiest weather to drive in. it's been raining cats and dogs on the coast and the it cleared up once we got west of swainsboro. then....

what's that up ahead?

uh-oh!


what a storm!

at this point we were waiting to see a funnel forming but none did. whew!

sin in a box

this is quite possibly the worst food you can put in your mouth, but every once in a blue moon you gotta have it. southern fried chicken wings and livers! mmm mmm...

ok, so the chicken wings were for me and johnny and the dogs got the livers. i always think livers will taste good and then i find out i don't really like them once i take a bite. i should go sign up for a bypass now. ugh... roadtrip diets are disgusting.

what is love? baby don't hurt me...

it's especially hard right now to be optimistic, have motivation, or be certain of anything. when times get tough i only have to look at my goofy dogs or my sweet soon-to-be hubby and i feel a million times better. i know i have to be strong for them and i know they are there for me. that's the kind of love i would rather have than copious amounts of money or fame or hot men chasing after me. this is the fundamental difference between my mother and i. she looks at life as if it were a chess game, each move carefully strategized in a campaign to win (or in her case, rule the world). it's such a painfully archaic way of thinking that i don't feel mad at her so much as sorry for her. she obviously has always felt it necessary to outthink her opponents, to live life with the sole intention of success; never able to just let things happen naturally. she fights the very concept of time and aging. to me, it's a losing battle. it's a waste of precious time you could spend being happy and loved.

my mom truly believes that a successful career and an elitist, white collar husband is the only path to happiness for me. what i've always tried to explain to her is that i'd rather live in a tent with my 3 dogs and the love of my life than live in a mansion with some stranger i despise.

i don't blame her for wanting me to be secure but what is security? what is insecurity? i've been poor, i've been rich. i've been completely alone and i've been surrounded. none of those things lasted very long but one thing constant: johnny. to me, that's security.

i feel bad for my mom but i think that's all part of her strategy, too. i've spent so much time trying to make her proud, make her happy and no time working on my own pride and happiness. i can truthfully say that everything i have done has been for her and yet i still can't bring myself to leave her to make my own life. i don't need her approval and i don't need her support. so, even though it's going to hurt both of us, i have to go. i can't live my life with my mom in it, unfortunately. god knows i have tried.

to be continued...

ugh. life's a beeotch.

since i don't want to sound like a big pity party wagon, i'm gonna just let it out. johnny lost his new job because he had to leave in the middle of training to see his father in the hospital. they basically told him not to come back, which was quite frankly, an insult and a big blow to us. we are both still unemployed and johnny is dealing with so much crap right now it's hard to handle when stuff like this happens. it's hard to know how to react, what to think... then, news of our wedding got leaked to the korean community (i can't believe kiera has broken the sacred oath of the pinky swear....) and my mom's aesthetician (yes, she rolls like that) called to inform me of potential shit hitting fan. she said now everyone wants to come to my wedding and keep asking questions about it. i had no choice but to call my mom and tell her about it before she found out from the korean newspaper. her reaction was not exactly what i was expecting. i was expecting her to take over the planning but instead she said she was very disappointed in my decision since we were both unemployed and we have no security. she mentioned several times that this was a mistake. the conversation just went further and further downhill and finally it was over. needless to say, i'm not happy about the way the conversation went down. i would write more but i have very limited access to the internet so i gotta go. yeah, it sucks. but things will get better, and i have optimism.

was it all meant to be?

it's been an eventful week for us. johnny received news from his family in beaufort that his father is not faring so well after his triple bypass and leaky valve repair. so, johnny made the somewhat difficult decision to leave new york in the middle of his training to see his dad at the hospital in savannah. he arrived in atlanta late friday night (which is a whole 'nother story in and of itself...) and we drove to savannah saturday morning with all three dogs and a well-packed suitcase. i dropped johnny off at st.joeseph's and met up with my bff kim. we hung out a bit, went to the pita pit with the dogs (they get lots of attention cause they are so damn cute) and then i drove back to beaufort where johnny was waiting for me at his parent's house.

i have travelled so much between savannah, beaufort, and atlanta that all three places feel like home. i am equally happy to arrive to each place. in any case, stepping into johnny's parent's house is like stepping back in time about 20 years. the house is small and modest - but it just feels like a family lives there. there are old pictures all over the walls, all kind of figurines and paintings of the beach... i've never spent the night at their house before - mainly because johnny's old house is right around the corner and we always stayed there - but this time we left the dogs with jimmy and stayed in johnny's dad's bedroom. this is quite possibly the scariest bedroom i have ever been in. everywhere you look is either a picture of jesus, virgin mary, crosses, and angels. he has a big wooden plaque with the last supper on it and an even bigger velvet painting (yes - from the 60's) of jesus kneeling in prayer. they have little decorative bowls next to each door that keeps holy water in it! the bed was hard as a rock and much smaller than johnny and i are used to. i can only describe the first night there as - provocative (don't do that! jesus is watching).

we visited savannah again the next day and this time i saw johnny's dad. it's hard to see someone you know hooked up to all those machines and totally unconscious. we ended up staying there most of the day, hanging out at the hospital or the hotel across the street where johnny's mom rented a room for the night. so much has happened it's hard to write it all down now, especially since i am on a computer that is from the 90's. i have taken pictures while we are here, but i have to wait until i get home to upload those. so until then, all i can say is that johnny's dad is in stable, yet critical, condition. he is fighting off a bad case of pneumonia and a nasty staph infection but his heart is getting stronger and his color looks better. there is a lot of support down here for the family (remind me to tell you about 100% roman catholic tshirts later) so we are being optimistic. we also told his family of our plans to get married in october. almost everyone but my mother knows about our wedding now. i think the entire town of beaufort knows at this point. i don't plan on telling my mom because she would completely take over my wedding and i would be powerless to stop her. this way we can plan our wedding in peace. she's going to be pissed but oh fucking well. i don't care. she's going to korea the day after the wedding so she might not even be able to make it anyways. so yeah, lots of stuff goin on - i will fill in more details later....