it's fall

one of very few pictures of my halmonee (grandma)

it's been a crazy month. i lost a family member and sort of gained one at the same time. i'm working on it, anyways. my mom and i are talking again and i realized that my mom is capable of apologizing and i am capable of forgivness and we both owe it to each other. because she's my mom and i'm her daughter and even if i get a blood transfusion i'll still be her kid. and to my surprise there's a lot more about our family left for me to learn. i guess every family has their skeletons in the closet but it just seems like mine has way too many. how do they manage to rack up so many skeletons?

it's still surreal to think my uncle hans is dead. it seems like he's still at his shop, doing acupuncture. it's like it didn't really happen. but then the image of him in his casket flashes in my head and i remember how i'll never hear his voice again. he had a strong voice, and a hearty laugh. him and my mother look most like my grandma who died when i was little because of a drunk driver.

in the end, it was alcohol that killed my uncle. it's alcohol that ruined my family. i had no idea how evil and destructive alcohol could be. i'm glad that i'm not into alcohol and that my mother isn't either. it's crazy how dangerous alcohol is but yet it's legal and how marijuana is harmless and illegal. i wonder if my uncle had used pot instead of alcohol he might still be alive today.

but anyways, i'm OK. i'm still a little numb but i'm going to be alright. i know that my uncle and my grandmother have been recycled into a new life and i'm sure it will be a happy one. i imagine their energies floating in the sky and their memories remaining deep within them.

unbelievable loss...

my uncle Hans passed away monday morning. he was 57 years old. he had a massive heart attack and died instantly. he leaves behind two grown sons, a wife and a young grandson. He was a very strong-willed man with a good heart and deep love for his family. he went on a journey of self-discovery and travelled to china to learn chinese medicine. he came back to the U.S. in late 90's to practice acupuncture and herbalism. he has given acupuncture treatments to just about everyone in the family (including me and johnny).

uncle hans loved the children in our family so intensely. when i was little he used to pinch my cheeks and nibble on my nose and just squeeze me hard. he had such an exuberant laugh and a bright smile. he was a humble man, with personal turmoils that he struggled with but never troubled anyone else with.

uncle hans never stopped trying to improve himself. he practiced calligraphy and studied medicine in his spare time. he had a small acupuncture practice and helped run a dollar store with his wife.

i regret that i didn't spend more time with my uncle. we used to have family gatherings around the holidays and the favorite thing to do was sing karaoke. uncle hans was the only boy among his siblings and the only one to pass on the family name to his sons.

i'll miss uncle hans very much. he was the man of the family and always available to help. i'll miss him.

swept away

this would be funny if it wasn't so tragic.... our beach house that we rented for the wedding got swallowed by the ocean. apparently the last few storms really took a toll on hunting island, which has been eroding away quite fast for a while now. they revitalized the beach by dumping more sand but the south end of the island just gets dissolved regardless. there have already been several cabins lost to the sea, and the one we rented just recently. so, we'll have to move to another cabin - unless we want to wade out to our old one.

moving

johnny and i are getting ready to move down to beaufort by september 1. we've packed up most of the house and now we are just waiting to find someone to rent our house and get a job. the job market right now is terrible, we have put in countless applications for all kinds of jobs and nothing. we really want to have our own business but can't find a bank that will accept our souls for a few grand. we are just going to have to ride out this economy and trim down our lifestyle to the bare minimum. we'll have most of our stuff in storage and live out of a few suitcases while we stay in beaufort.

i plan to help out johnny's family as much as i can and try to make a few bucks wherever possible. i'm going to put my energy into cooking nutritious meals and keeping everyone as healthy as possible. i'm going to be pinching pennies everywhere and keeping my ear to the ground for any opportunity that may present itself.

the bad news just keeps rollin' in, though. johnny's dad finally lost his leg to the staph infection. the poor guy was on vancomycin for weeks in the hospital but his left foot did not improve. to keep the infection from spreading, they amputated his leg below the knee. just when we thought he was improving, he's actually taken a turn for the worst and now all we can do is hope and pray. i know he's not my dad, he's not even my father-in-law yet, but i consider him family and i care about his well being a great deal. i don't know if i can ever forget the time we spent visiting him in the hospital, most of which he was sedated for. the last couple of days we were in savannah his dad finally awoke and was aware of the people around him. he couldn't speak with all the tubes, not to mention his weakened state, but he tried to communicate with us with great effort. it was kind of heartbreaking to see him trying to tell you something but not being able to understand him at all. his eyes would plead but his mouth could not form the words.

he was parched and begged us for water but we could not give him any for fear of pneumonia. we were able to swab the inside of his mouth a little bit and he had some relief. it was kind of funny because he would moan "aaahhhhh" "ahhhhh" cause it felt so good to have a cool damp cloth wiped over his face and inside his mouth. we were all dressed in gowns with gloves and masks and took turns talking to him and tending to him. then, he looked at me intently and said something which sounded like "ooo betty" over and over... i finally figured out what he was trying to say - it was "your pretty". i tried to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks because i couldn't believe he would spend his energy trying to tell me something like that. he was saying it like it was imperative that he tell me i was pretty. or maybe it was the antibiotics talking... anyways, i'll never forget that.

then, not too long ago, i found out from my real dad that things weren't going so good for him either. he had gone out of business. nobody was going on vacation it seemed so his timeshare and travel/vacation business went under. i had called to ask him for money to help pay for the wedding. how awful did i feel?

to me, this is like the depression. it's the time of my life where i will look back and be thankful for the things that i did have. it's a period of time where you have to find inner strength and courage. and it's only a period of time, not a lifetime. i know there are many people who suffer worse conditions, worse tragedies, and nobody to turn to. i am so very thankful to have friends and family there for me.

puppy trippin'

don't let this face fool you.

having a puppy is probably the next closest thing to having a hyperactive toddler. we love our little step-puppy Nadia but that dog can get into some serious trouble. first of all, she likes to chew on everything. rugs, pillows, extension cords, furniture, everything but doggie toys. which is fine, louie went through the same exact phase (he ate a chunk out of my backseat) but nadia scared us to death with her mischevious puppy antics friday morning.

i got up to let the dogs outside and since it was so cool i decided to keep the back door open to air out the house a bit. then i went back to my bed and rested while waiting for johnny to wake up. a few minutes later, i hear nadia playing happily with something on the back porch and i look over to see her chewing on a plastic vitamin bottle. i went over and took it away from her. the label was practically all chewed off, but i made out the name of the supplement which was 5htp. 5htp is a seratonin booster. I noticed the cap had been chewed off and there was a bunch of gooey capsules stuck to the bottom of the bottle. i threw it away. i laid back down for a bit.

30 minutes later, i notice things are unusually quiet and just as i listen for the dogs, i hear a yelp. i called out for nadia (my 3 dogs were standing next to me) and no response. so, i figure she got stuck somewhere in the backyard or, (god forbid) she got hurt and can't move. so i immediatly fly into action, put on a house dress and flip-flops and go out looking for nadia.

i found her curled up in a patch of ivy amidst the bamboo trees, crying and looking like she's in pain. she wouldn't move. she had peed herself and was crying. i never seen a dog actually cry but she had tears rolling down her cheeks, it was pitiful and heartbreaking. i thought she might have broken a leg or something but she didn't seem to have any injuries. i didn't know what to do, so i picked her up and brought her inside where she continued to cry yelp and carry on. I could not find any clues as to what was causing her so much pain. i yelled at johnny to help me and we began looking for emergency vets and called mason (nadia's daddy) to tell him what was going on. we called poison control to see what effects 5htp would have on a dog and they didn't say much other than headache and being wobbly. poor nadia was quickly getting worse. we left for the nearest vet and arranged to meet mason there.

unfortunately, the vet we went to was quite ill equipped to handle this situation. they were a small private practice working out of an old house and they referred up to GVS - georgia veterinary specialists. we drove all the way there and gave nadia to the nurses. we really couldn't explain what was wrong with her so they explained the costs of looking at her and they took her to the back. mason was still on his way, so i gave them permission to look at her until he got there. i then realized i was standing in this really nice pet hospital in sandy springs wearing my house dress and flip flops, hair still messy and teeth not brushed. we waited. waited some more. the vet hospital was really really nice, with a greenspace in the back and artwork everywhere. finally mason showed up and i explained everything for like the tenth time.

my guess was she had chewed and swallowed something that was blocking her bowels or something like that. i was pretty sure the xray would show something crazy in her stomach like a kitchen knife or something and she would need surgery. i felt awful, just terrible. poor nadia.

finally the doctor came out and brought us to the exam room where she asked us exactly what happened. i explained everything with as many details as i could. she then asked if we had any illegal drugs in our house that nadia could have gotten into. mason and i looked at each other. i confessed to her that i smoke pot but the dog had no way of getting into it. (plus, i have seen the effects of weed on a dog and it aint nothing like that...) so she then explained to us that nadia was hallucinating. i was kind of shocked - i didn't know what to think. the doc said nadia's clinical presentation is that of a neurological problem - her eyes were completely dilated, she couldn't follow objects with her eyes and her blood pressure was high but heart rate low. all i could think in my head was, ohmigod, she's tripping...

so, what next? the doctor confirmed the effects of 5htp on a dog with the animal poison control and told us that nadia should be OK, she just has to flush the drug out of her system with fluids and take a medicine that counteracts the 5htp. we were quite relieved. after hearing that, we were so happy she was going to be ok that we couldn't help but laugh at the situation. i about had a heart attack thinking nadia was going to die and really all it was was a bad trip. johnny (trying to pretend not to be a smartass) asked the doctor if nadia would suffer from flashbacks.

apparently 5 htp is quite toxic to dogs and they can easily overdose with a small amount. it can be fatal... luckily she didn't seem to have ingested that much. mason took nadia home with some meds and nadia seemed to be bouncing back immediately. thank goodness!

ugh. life's a beeotch.

since i don't want to sound like a big pity party wagon, i'm gonna just let it out. johnny lost his new job because he had to leave in the middle of training to see his father in the hospital. they basically told him not to come back, which was quite frankly, an insult and a big blow to us. we are both still unemployed and johnny is dealing with so much crap right now it's hard to handle when stuff like this happens. it's hard to know how to react, what to think... then, news of our wedding got leaked to the korean community (i can't believe kiera has broken the sacred oath of the pinky swear....) and my mom's aesthetician (yes, she rolls like that) called to inform me of potential shit hitting fan. she said now everyone wants to come to my wedding and keep asking questions about it. i had no choice but to call my mom and tell her about it before she found out from the korean newspaper. her reaction was not exactly what i was expecting. i was expecting her to take over the planning but instead she said she was very disappointed in my decision since we were both unemployed and we have no security. she mentioned several times that this was a mistake. the conversation just went further and further downhill and finally it was over. needless to say, i'm not happy about the way the conversation went down. i would write more but i have very limited access to the internet so i gotta go. yeah, it sucks. but things will get better, and i have optimism.

was it all meant to be?

it's been an eventful week for us. johnny received news from his family in beaufort that his father is not faring so well after his triple bypass and leaky valve repair. so, johnny made the somewhat difficult decision to leave new york in the middle of his training to see his dad at the hospital in savannah. he arrived in atlanta late friday night (which is a whole 'nother story in and of itself...) and we drove to savannah saturday morning with all three dogs and a well-packed suitcase. i dropped johnny off at st.joeseph's and met up with my bff kim. we hung out a bit, went to the pita pit with the dogs (they get lots of attention cause they are so damn cute) and then i drove back to beaufort where johnny was waiting for me at his parent's house.

i have travelled so much between savannah, beaufort, and atlanta that all three places feel like home. i am equally happy to arrive to each place. in any case, stepping into johnny's parent's house is like stepping back in time about 20 years. the house is small and modest - but it just feels like a family lives there. there are old pictures all over the walls, all kind of figurines and paintings of the beach... i've never spent the night at their house before - mainly because johnny's old house is right around the corner and we always stayed there - but this time we left the dogs with jimmy and stayed in johnny's dad's bedroom. this is quite possibly the scariest bedroom i have ever been in. everywhere you look is either a picture of jesus, virgin mary, crosses, and angels. he has a big wooden plaque with the last supper on it and an even bigger velvet painting (yes - from the 60's) of jesus kneeling in prayer. they have little decorative bowls next to each door that keeps holy water in it! the bed was hard as a rock and much smaller than johnny and i are used to. i can only describe the first night there as - provocative (don't do that! jesus is watching).

we visited savannah again the next day and this time i saw johnny's dad. it's hard to see someone you know hooked up to all those machines and totally unconscious. we ended up staying there most of the day, hanging out at the hospital or the hotel across the street where johnny's mom rented a room for the night. so much has happened it's hard to write it all down now, especially since i am on a computer that is from the 90's. i have taken pictures while we are here, but i have to wait until i get home to upload those. so until then, all i can say is that johnny's dad is in stable, yet critical, condition. he is fighting off a bad case of pneumonia and a nasty staph infection but his heart is getting stronger and his color looks better. there is a lot of support down here for the family (remind me to tell you about 100% roman catholic tshirts later) so we are being optimistic. we also told his family of our plans to get married in october. almost everyone but my mother knows about our wedding now. i think the entire town of beaufort knows at this point. i don't plan on telling my mom because she would completely take over my wedding and i would be powerless to stop her. this way we can plan our wedding in peace. she's going to be pissed but oh fucking well. i don't care. she's going to korea the day after the wedding so she might not even be able to make it anyways. so yeah, lots of stuff goin on - i will fill in more details later....

warning: graphic content.

the past few days have been a little emotionally charged for me. it could be my hormones or a chemical imbalance in my brain, but i feel like things haven't been handled quite properly. my mom is just about the only person on this earth who can piss me off more than even i could imagine. i swear i deserve a freaking medal for putting up with her all the time. my sister SO OWES me for this shit cause when it comes time to take care of mom, i plan on being busy raising my own kids. whew- i feel better now. ok, so what could a cute little asian fireball of a woman do to piss me off so bad? well, for starters she likes to kill my chickens. and if you fuck with my chickens, you are fucking with me. (sorry for the profanity, i missed my regularly scheduled therapy appointment and feeling a little bottled up...lol).

anyways, it's not just that she killed my chickens, it's that she ENJOYS it. she relishes the thought of breaking necks and slitting throats. she likes to kill chickens because they are food. and food doesn't deserve dignity. (i swear i'm not crazy). so, i let her kill the first chicken a while ago. i knew that these chickens were fated for the butcher block when i got them, but STILL. Johnny and i did not partake of the first chicken. the second chicken she killed earlier this week, once again with my permission, and this time somewhat more humanely. i watched the whole process of de-feathering and gutting a chicken and assisted with a hose and pail. it was not the easiest thing to watch but i had to. i need to know how to do all that cause hello! i raised these chickens for meat (and eggs). the dogs were entranced with the whole show and i just tried to keep from tossing my cookies. we made a fabulous curry chicken stew over brown rice but i had a very hard time eating it. i only took a small piece of chicken and had to think of other things in order to chew and swallow the meat.

i was glad when that whole thing was over. i ate one of my chickens and i have mixed feelings about it. i know it's normal - we eat chickens. i like chicken, for the most part. we gave them a good life and they died for a purpose. i still felt a bit of guilt and decided to thank the universe for the chicken's sacrifice to us. (still not crazy). so, how did this all piss me off? well, i guess my mother took this and the notice from the code enforcement that it was time to become ruthless chicken handlers and, along with johnny as co-conspirator, tormented my remaining chickens by shoving them roughly and without regard into the small cage for transport. they were squacking and screaming, feathers flying everywhere, the dogs hysterical, and nobody was listening to me. nobody heard me, or otherwise ignored my requests, to be nice to my chickens. i didn't want to traumatize them during this stressful time. I wanted to be able to peacefully put them in the cage and load them in the car and take them over to my mom's. instead, my mom went into a determined terminator-like mode to grab and fling fowl around. johnny, of all people, actually grabbed a rooster by his neck to try and shove him into the cage. my only demand was that they put the cage into the coop and try to coax the chickens inside, using feed as incentive. but NO - don't listen to the crazy, emotional, know-nothing-about-chickens, silly girl. surely i had nothing of value to add to the whole operation. then it became hostile and i lost my cool.

they weren't listening to me, the chickens were frightened out of their minds, and not a single damn chicken was in the cage. finally, my mom took the cage and went inside the coop to grab the chickens and stuff them in. which is excactly what i wanted to do in the first place - put the cage inside the coop and let the chickens go into the cage on their own. WHY wouldn't that work? now, she was essentially doing the same thing - only with a more mean and hostile twist to it. i was very mad and frustrated and broken hearted. not only for my chickens but for that fact that they didn't give a shit that it meant a lot to me to be gentle with my little flock.

i'm sure people may think i'm totally crazy and stupid. chickens are food, why be gentle? why care about their well-being when they are going to be eaten? to me, it just seems to be the right thing to do to treat a chicken with care and respect. you are going to take it's life to sustain your own, it deserves to live and die with a little dignity, don't ya think?

if you want to hear johnny's side of the story, you'll have to hope that he comments to this post.

zoning regulations suck

so the first thing johnny and i see when we got back from beaufort and savannah was a notice taped to our front door from code enforcement. apparently they came by while we were gone and nosed around our house. they wrote me up for have chickens in a neighborhood zoned R-100 and for having paint cans in our carport. jerks. i don't understand why we can't have chickens at our house. the only nuisance they are is the periodic crowing from the roosters. but honestly - we can hear sirens, trains, horns honking, giant dumptrucks, semis, school buses, and bass booming all day long in this neighborhood. what's the big deal about a crowing rooster? i find it kind of funny and endearing to hear jerky and potpie practice singing - it's cute. but i guess that's just me and i'm a wierdo.



regardless, we are going to have to get rid of our chickens by the end of the week (also unfair!) and i think my mom is going to take them, along with the coop johnny built, over to her place - at least until i can find them a good home (stop rolling your eyes). i know of a small petting zoo that was looking for chickens so maybe i'll start there.



why aren't we just going to eat them? well, i'm a little too attached to jerky and potpie to actually kill and eat them. the others not so much. but most importantly, they are not tasty birds. my mom (with the help of bibi) killed and butchered one of the cocks a while ago and she made stew (which i didn't eat either). she said the chicken was way too tough. i guess our birds are leaner than the average grocery store chicken and have very little fat to make them juicy. i guess they get too much exercise. i think our birds are quite happy - they get to roam around about 2 acres of backyard complete with ponds and gardens and bamboo forests and little gullies. it's like paradise for chickens.



so, i can hardly send my priveledged birds to some butcher for a meal. i know i'm a wuss.

shitstorm #2

well, all i can say is at least this time there was no actual feces flooding the house. except this plumbing disaster is uniquely nasty. the drain from the kitchen sink was corroded away and instead of fixing it properly, the previous occupant and first person to experience this problem decided to just patch the hole with putty. the problem is, this isn't just a little drain under the sink, this is the main pipe from below the house that connects the kitchen sink to the sewer line. so, for the past several months, everything that we have put down our kitchen sink (including garbage disposal and dishwasher) has been sitting in a puddle rotting underneath the house. nice, eh? it's so disgusting under there, johnny had to "prepare" himself to go assess the situation. he came back and compared it to the movie, Amityville Horror. The corrosiveness of the waste actually dissolved foundation wall brick. i have a septic field under my kitchen and no septic tank.

so, here i am, at work listening to paul simon and trying not to care while johnny and my stepbrother are spooning each other on the kitchen floor fixing the disaster that is my kitchen.

oh yes, there are pictures. you don't wanna seem them, but i'm going to post them anyways - when i get home from work.

well, at least it explains this.

boycott the beijing olympics

friday, as i was driving through the pouring rain to visit bibi at the vet hospital, i drove past a group of regular people and tibetan monks who were standing at the corner of the intersection holding flags and protesting. it's the first time i have ever seen tibetan monks in the US, much less monks protesting (peacefully, of course). I saw the face of one monk who was soaking wet and just standing there - and the brief glimpse i had of his face as i passed by was that of sorrow. it's easy for us comfortable americans to turn a blind eye to what's going on in the rest of the world as we go about our day to day business - but we have an opportunity to ACT on a worldwide issue. I have nothing against chinese people but i do have a problem with their government's actions. Well, I have a problem with many actions of my own but not quite in this degree. These people need our help, need to be heard. I don't think that China should have been granted the priveledge to host the olympics despite it's crimes against humanity and for that reason I boycott the olympics. What effect will this really have? Well, me by myself would be little to none. It's more of a personal sacrifice because I love watching the olympics. I was there in Seoul 1988 and i consider many of the athletes to be heroes. I think what needs to happen here is for people to be aware that there is a situation here. We have to hold our leaders accountable. The people have to demand justice and equality and peace. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/7334545.stm

a moment of silence, please...

for the late great Martin Luther King, Jr. Today is the anniversary of his assasination and the very unfortunate loss of a great person who gave some of the greatest speeches of all time. Have you heard a MLK Jr. speech? If not, I highly recommend it.

Here is his last speech - do you think he knew what was about to happen?

bibi's under the knife again

today bibi is having the TTA surgery on her right hind leg. She tore her cruciatus ligament and is having it repaired with a wire cage. i am worried sick about her but i have confidence in this doctor, unlike EVIL BANFIELD who screwed up her other leg. Did i mention that i hate BANFIELD and that they are evil, lying, money stealing, pill pushing, creless and inconsiderate buttholes? yes, they are. stay the hell away from them. if you don't believe me, google for yourself. anyways, she will be in the hospital overnight and hopefully tomorrow we'll have her back. i feel so bad for her, and i hope she is OK and the surgery is a success. please god.

other than that stressing me out, i have been having a nice day dreaming about living on a farm commune. yea, i am all kinds of distracted today, needless to say i can't get anything done at work. i am a terrible employee. i can't help it though! this is bloody boring work.

**update 04/02**

Bibi is finished with her sugery and it was a success. She is fine, as far as I could tell, and staying at the hospital until today. Johnny went out and got her a prosh crate and crate pad that's all comfy soft. In fact, louie and syrus have been sleeping in the crate since we set it up last night. i'll post pics of it later...

oh yea...

i almost forgot. apparently a tornado hit atlanta this past friday night and did some damage to downtown. johnny and i are fine, everyone i know is fine. we just got a bad thunderstorm. even my office, which is only a mile from the georgia dome, is safe. so yeah, don't worry about us.

global warming? nah.......

ok, so it's the second week of january and it's like late spring outside. wtf? 3 weeks ago it was freezing cold. literally. last night there was a really strong thunderstorm, it woke me up several times and even got the dogs barking. i usually love thunderstorms like that but when you are living in a little shack surrounded by 100 ft. tall pines you get a little nervous....

oh and i still love microfiber.

and in case you haven't heard they found the hiker girl that went missing in the woods. she was beaten to death with a police baton and decapitated. i didn't know the details until this morning and now i want the asshole who did this to die a horrible death. please, just let us cut off a few of his limbs and leave him out to die by himself in the middle of nowhere. her boyfriend called up the radio station i listened to this morning and i was crying the entire way to work. i'm OK now but i cannot believe the DA bargained with this guy to not seek the death penalty if he showed them where her body is. wtf kind of stupid deal is that?? i hope some judge overturns it or something. i don't normally support the death penalty but cases like this make me question that belief. if someone heinously murders without provocation a completely innocent and defenseless person and causes them to SUFFER as they die - they should be put to death as well. i just don't understand how some people have the capacity to do such a thing to another human. so maliciously... if she was my sister, my daughter, my niece, whatever - i would want him to die. i just could not have any mercy in that instance. no legal method of death could be equal enough.

hearing about tragedies like this on the news makes me wonder what good is really left out there? my boss and i had a long lunch the other day and he said that there was some kind of study that said people generally lean towards good. i would love to believe that. i think people do, but have been gradually de-sensitized through the media over the past generation. i myself am admittedly de-sensitized in a way. i mean, when you see someone who needs your help should you not immediately help them? but then you sort of automatically ignore them and continue on your way. i find that when i do this i feel regret afterwards, but the response is so automatic i hardly notice that i am doing it.

case in point, my mother and i were driving on the freeway through atlanta several years ago when we witnessed right in front of us a car accident. a maroon-colored sedan holding way more people than it should skidded across several lanes and crashed into the median. we stopped the car and for what seemed like a long time just sat there watching. it didn't even occur to me to get out (on the freeway) and help them until my mother sprang into action. she got out of the car and ran up to the other car and i followed. an old woman was sitting in the back with like 6 kids, and they were all shell-shocked. everyone was not moving, so i helped get the kids out of the crunched car and my mom grabbed another kid from the other side as the couple in the front staggered out. i didn't think the whole time, i just sort of went on autopilot. we helped them to the side of the road as police and ambulance arrived. then mom and i just hopped back into our car and drove off. it was kind of a bizarre and surreal moment in time.

i think i was more amazed at my mom than anything else. she rarely showed compassion in front of me like that and i didn't know what to make of it. but then i felt disgusted with myself. why did i hesitate? the car could have blown up, and everyone die and it would have been my fault for not saving them. was i OK with that? did i feel like it was not my business or something? i wasn't paralyzed by fear i was paralyzed because i simply didn't know what to do. i was thinking about it too much. i felt powerless or something. well, that was then and this is now. if i were to experience the same situation i wouldn't hesitate. i hope that if it happened to me someone else wouldn't hesitate either.

life plans

i just have to get something out of my head first cause it's haunting me. last night i saw a puppy dying on the side of the street. it must have gotten hit by a car. it seemed to look straight at me, and the image is burned into my head. i hate to see shit like that, it bothers me very badly for days. i was depressed all last night. but johnny helped to make it better by making me my favorite dish - spaghetti. he hates it when i am sad. which is like a lot these days. i think it's just a mix of pms and bad luck but he thinks i might actually suffer from depression. well, whatever. who doesn't? my problem is that i dwell obsessively on the morbid and negative. i can't help it. i really really wish that i didn't do that. i like to think i am an optimistic person with enthusiasm. on the other hand for some reason too much beauty and happiness also makes me cry - some things seem to me too awesome to handle. wtf? what's wrong with me? either way my emotions are extreme and all bottled up inside cause i can't explain it. maybe i should really find a therapist. johnny wants hypnotherapy to quit smoking. at this point, i agree. i can't stand it anymore. it gives me headaches and makes it that much more difficult to breathe when i already have asthma. he also smells like smoke all the time. it sucks. more importantly, he's killing himself slowly which pisses me off the most. he is otherwise perfectly healthy. quit smoking, dammit. he is trying a bit - got patches and nicotine gum. 2008 is going to be a good year, remember?

now that the bad stuff is out of the way i can focus on the good stuff. such as life plans. i've always sort of just sat back and let life lead me but now i want to lead my life. i know in the back of my head what i need to do, but in typical ocd heather fashion, i must list and categorize it first. to start off, i need to take my LEED AP exam and get it over with. i have put that off for waaaay too long. that's me being lazy. which is my default status unless there's a fire lit under me. i also need to get my IDP credits signed off by ex-boss asap. like by january asap. once i have that out of the way, i imagine i will get busier at work. during that time i am going to help johnny as much as possible to get through school. he wants to go to AI to learn graphic design. i think he should get the digital design associate but he has to apply for financial aid first. while he's in school i am going to figure out how to finance our business. we have some leads i just need to follow up. we came up with a really good business plan to start an environmentally friendly printing company to cater to the green businesses in atlanta. we are going to start off applying for a govt. subsidied loan for new businesses in a dehabilitated area of town. it's actually a part of downtown that is growing rapidly and hopefully we can contribute to its revitalization by offering services to local walk-in customers like internet/computer access and recycling. i hope we can open our business by next summer. i know that's a stretch but it's a starting point. my other business idea is to start a pedicab/ rickshaw service in buckhead but i am in no shape to be bicycling around buckhead, much less carrying people. johnny smokes too much to do that too, so we'll go with the print shop. johnny knows everything about printing so we have some expertise already in the bank. this can also be a way to sell some bamboo/hemp printed t-shirts like we originally wanted.

at some point, johnny and i will have to consider ourselves. i originally wanted to start a family by the time i was 28. that milestone has passed. i am facing 30 in 6 months and even though i do want a kid, the thought of actually having one scares me almost to death. that's a whole another topic...

bibi can't walk

this is a very difficult post for me, i have been very very upset since sunday and didn't even want to write about it but i think i should. we took the dogs to dry pond to run around and bibi somehow hurt her good hind leg. now both her back legs are bad. the left one is lame from the surgery that failed back in spring and now it's the only hind leg that she can use because she stopped using her right one altogether. i'm so devastated i can't stop crying and i want to throw up. we are probably going to have to have the implant surgery on both hind legs which means she won't be able to walk for a while - and for bibi that's going to be tough. she is such an active dog, she loves to swim in the ocean, run at top speed, and wrestle. i don't even know how we are going to get her to potty, much less play. she's only 3 years old. it will take months for her to heal, then we have to figure out how to get her physical therapy which is basically learning to walk again in a pool. i had to do that when i broke my ankle and it can be tough - not just physically but emotionally. she's a very dense dog and after all of this i'm afraid she will be reduced to half her size. the worst is sitting at work knowing she is at home in pain and not being able to do anything about it. i am trying very hard to get her vet to admit her to UGA's vet hospital for emergency orthopedic surgery. until then, she won't eat, drink or even wag her tail...poor bunni....i just hope we can afford all of this because if we can't i really dont know what to do.

update: labor day weekend

ok i know its a little neurotic to post more than once a day and the weekend is still young but i just have to update here because i just got home from taking moto to the vet. Before that we went to dim sum at our favorite spot and on the way saw an accident on the freeway. first, we saw a dead dog laying in the middle lane, with collar and leash on and everything. then half mile ahead we saw three cars that hit each other by the hov lane. it was very sad. it looks like the dog either jumped out of the window or the back of the truck (stupid rednecks!). It was very disturbing to see so it left me kind of depressed for a while afterwards. we spent 3 hours at banfield and moto checked out pretty well, he didn't have any fleas, diseases, mites, or parasites. then we finally came home and now i am absorbed into my new hobby for the week - hemp braiding. i am making a practice piece out of blue and brown dyed hemp and it's turning out good and i am so proud of myself. i'm poing to post a pic....wow my camera sucks. i need to buy a new digital camera.....