i'm just going to get this one post out of the way while i'm thinking about it and in the mood to write about it. it seems like the past two years the subject of spawning children has been thrown in my face everywhere i go. at work there were at least 3 or 4 women pregnant at all times. i start hearing about so-and-so from college who got married to you-know-who and had kids. then, my good friend V dropped a bombshell recently and announced her pregnancy. so, now i'm starting to feel left behind. but not to the point where i wanna go out and get knocked up immediately, so it's all good. but it's gonna happen - eventually.
this is monumental, folks. i am not a wanna-have-a-baby type of girl. i do not get all mushy over a baby like some women do. yeah, some kids are cute but mostly i just see a drooling little parasite that requires constant upkeep. i seriously prefer dogs. i watch those birth stories on tlc in complete shock and horror, like i've just seen a train wreck. the thought of the birthing process grossed me out completely. but the funny thing is, breaking my ankle changed my view. i'm sure my orthopedic surgeon had no idea how much his words would make a difference to me after he set my leg back into place. PAIN was being redefined as i screamed at the top of my lungs and he pulled and twisted my broken tibia and fibula back into a resemblance of an ankle. it all happened quickly, and he was very efficient but it hurt like hell nonetheless. afterwards he looked at me and said "childbrith will be a breeze for you now". and i thought ... really?
so now i'm not as hypersensitive about the pain of it all and i was able to really do some reasearch about the childbirth process. see, i research the hell out of things when i am worried about it... like death, starting a new business, changing careers, etc... anyways, that on top of my enthusiatically pregger friend V who has slowly transitioned me from a woman who likened giving birth with the horrible scene from Alien when the worm-like thing popped from that guy's stomach to actually planning my future birth. I'm close to a point where getting pregnant might not feel like the end of the world to me. but if i think about it too hard it still kind of freaks me out. but yeah, giving birth is undeniably the most amazing thing that humans can do. too bad it's been all chopped up and prepackaged for many women....
so, about a year or so ago i began a personal diary sort of thing to prepare and guide myself through pregnancy and raising kids. i did this as a failsafe to my admittedly instable personality. i don't ever want to take out my emotions on my kid. i want to make sure that i don't scar my kids for life by saying something i didn't mean to or doing something i didn't realize hurt them. it's actually kind of frightening how much power and influence a parent has over their kid - for example, my mother said to me once when i was really little, like 5 or 6 yrs old - "don't be a selfish pig" in reference to me wanting something (i think it was food). for some reason that line stuck with me for the rest of my life and it influenced me negatively in so many things, both conscious and subconscious. i am sure she didn't realize what she said would do that, but nonetheless it became a part of who i am. it made me insecure, worry about what others would think of me, worried that i really was a selfish pig, worried that nobody would like me because i was so awful. it also made me think i was fat since i was 6. i remember quite clearly sitting in the bathtub and thinking to myself "i am a fat kid" at that age. my mother had no idea. she's a totally different person now, but i don't want to make that same mistake. i think my sister has the same exact idea as i do. everything she does for her kids are an attempt to avoid the damage our mother did to us. in her defense, my mother was tormented in her youth, too. she didn't know any better, and i can forgive her for that. but i could not live with myself if i had that kind of effect on my kids. so i will do everything i can think of in my power to keep myself from unintentionally undermining my kid's self-esteem or confidence. or trust in me.
back to the diary - it's basically a collection of tips and advice i have found in various places - some of my own thoughts about how i want to raise my kids. rules, mission statements, guidelines, and of course the list of baby names i like. who deosn't have that? occasionally johnny and i will throw around some names we like and recently i actually made up a name that we both liked - mavelyn. it is actually fun to dream about having kids - i think maybe more fun than actually going through it. i have random thoughts throughout the day and a really bad memory so i have to keep a running file on my computer at work to jot down stuff i want to read later when the time comes. well, that's not such a secure way to store such information so i've been thinking about keeping it here on my blog - which i really write in for my kids and myself in the future anyways. and i would love to read comments on them. believe it or not, unlike many people, i am pretty open to criticism. design studios have taught me that ability. so, withought further rambling i would like to post the first piece from my raising my kids diary.
Baby Girl Names I Like: Abigail, Alexis, Autumn, Amber, Audrey, Carlee, Chloe, Cordelia, Dierdre, Emmelia (another one i made up), Eleanor, Fawn, Fern, Genevieve, Grace, Gwyneth, Gillian, Hannah (my bff in korea's name), Hailey, Harmony, Hazel, Justine, Keilani, Kimora, Kailee, Lidia, Lily, Lealana, Matilda, Madeline, Meadow, Melody, Mabel, Malorie, Mila, Morgana, Mavelyn, Noemi, Olivia, Oliana, Phoebe, Piper, Pomona, Rhiannon, Sophia, Scarlet, Tabitha, Vivien, Virginia, Willow, and Wilhelmina. I like middle names that are flowers or animals for some reason. very hippy and cliche but i like 'em.
Baby Boy Names I Like: Arthur, Adam, Ashton, Benjamin, Bradley, Cole, Conan, Connor, Colm, Daniel, Devan, Dylan, Elliot, Ethan, Finley, Fredrick, Garret, Gareth, Harold, Harrison, Ian, Jarrod, Joshua, Jeremiah, Jeremy, Jacob, Kieran, Kevin, Kinsey, Korbin, Liam, Lucas, Maddox, Maxwell, Miles, Oliver, Owen, Percival, Perry, Phillip, Quinn, Reese, Remy, Russell, Seth, Sean, Stanley, Thomas, Tristan, Theo, Victor, Vaughn, Warren and Wilbur.
I didn't find as many boy names I like and there are a ton of names, all of which seem over-used. Most of them are really irish or biblical, neither of which really fits in with me. If I wanted to go norweigan and korean we would have some ugly baby names. it'll sound like hawking a loogie. I want to try to find at least one name I like for every letter of the alphabet. Girl names are definitely a lot more fun. We've decided that I'll pass on my surname to our daughter and Johnny will pass his to our son. that way we can continue the sort of matriarchal surname tradition on my side of the family and johnny can pass his name down, too. seeing as he is the only boy in his family that still has the potential to hand down the family name....
she was a sweet girl and so innocent and precocious. her mother was sitting on a bench watching us and came over to chat. she said she was 47 years old and her daughter was 5. obviously a very much wanted and loved child! she helped me look for four leaves and picked a bouquet of clovers. i can't wait to have my own daughter!
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