moving

johnny and i are getting ready to move down to beaufort by september 1. we've packed up most of the house and now we are just waiting to find someone to rent our house and get a job. the job market right now is terrible, we have put in countless applications for all kinds of jobs and nothing. we really want to have our own business but can't find a bank that will accept our souls for a few grand. we are just going to have to ride out this economy and trim down our lifestyle to the bare minimum. we'll have most of our stuff in storage and live out of a few suitcases while we stay in beaufort.

i plan to help out johnny's family as much as i can and try to make a few bucks wherever possible. i'm going to put my energy into cooking nutritious meals and keeping everyone as healthy as possible. i'm going to be pinching pennies everywhere and keeping my ear to the ground for any opportunity that may present itself.

the bad news just keeps rollin' in, though. johnny's dad finally lost his leg to the staph infection. the poor guy was on vancomycin for weeks in the hospital but his left foot did not improve. to keep the infection from spreading, they amputated his leg below the knee. just when we thought he was improving, he's actually taken a turn for the worst and now all we can do is hope and pray. i know he's not my dad, he's not even my father-in-law yet, but i consider him family and i care about his well being a great deal. i don't know if i can ever forget the time we spent visiting him in the hospital, most of which he was sedated for. the last couple of days we were in savannah his dad finally awoke and was aware of the people around him. he couldn't speak with all the tubes, not to mention his weakened state, but he tried to communicate with us with great effort. it was kind of heartbreaking to see him trying to tell you something but not being able to understand him at all. his eyes would plead but his mouth could not form the words.

he was parched and begged us for water but we could not give him any for fear of pneumonia. we were able to swab the inside of his mouth a little bit and he had some relief. it was kind of funny because he would moan "aaahhhhh" "ahhhhh" cause it felt so good to have a cool damp cloth wiped over his face and inside his mouth. we were all dressed in gowns with gloves and masks and took turns talking to him and tending to him. then, he looked at me intently and said something which sounded like "ooo betty" over and over... i finally figured out what he was trying to say - it was "your pretty". i tried to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks because i couldn't believe he would spend his energy trying to tell me something like that. he was saying it like it was imperative that he tell me i was pretty. or maybe it was the antibiotics talking... anyways, i'll never forget that.

then, not too long ago, i found out from my real dad that things weren't going so good for him either. he had gone out of business. nobody was going on vacation it seemed so his timeshare and travel/vacation business went under. i had called to ask him for money to help pay for the wedding. how awful did i feel?

to me, this is like the depression. it's the time of my life where i will look back and be thankful for the things that i did have. it's a period of time where you have to find inner strength and courage. and it's only a period of time, not a lifetime. i know there are many people who suffer worse conditions, worse tragedies, and nobody to turn to. i am so very thankful to have friends and family there for me.

puppy trippin'

don't let this face fool you.

having a puppy is probably the next closest thing to having a hyperactive toddler. we love our little step-puppy Nadia but that dog can get into some serious trouble. first of all, she likes to chew on everything. rugs, pillows, extension cords, furniture, everything but doggie toys. which is fine, louie went through the same exact phase (he ate a chunk out of my backseat) but nadia scared us to death with her mischevious puppy antics friday morning.

i got up to let the dogs outside and since it was so cool i decided to keep the back door open to air out the house a bit. then i went back to my bed and rested while waiting for johnny to wake up. a few minutes later, i hear nadia playing happily with something on the back porch and i look over to see her chewing on a plastic vitamin bottle. i went over and took it away from her. the label was practically all chewed off, but i made out the name of the supplement which was 5htp. 5htp is a seratonin booster. I noticed the cap had been chewed off and there was a bunch of gooey capsules stuck to the bottom of the bottle. i threw it away. i laid back down for a bit.

30 minutes later, i notice things are unusually quiet and just as i listen for the dogs, i hear a yelp. i called out for nadia (my 3 dogs were standing next to me) and no response. so, i figure she got stuck somewhere in the backyard or, (god forbid) she got hurt and can't move. so i immediatly fly into action, put on a house dress and flip-flops and go out looking for nadia.

i found her curled up in a patch of ivy amidst the bamboo trees, crying and looking like she's in pain. she wouldn't move. she had peed herself and was crying. i never seen a dog actually cry but she had tears rolling down her cheeks, it was pitiful and heartbreaking. i thought she might have broken a leg or something but she didn't seem to have any injuries. i didn't know what to do, so i picked her up and brought her inside where she continued to cry yelp and carry on. I could not find any clues as to what was causing her so much pain. i yelled at johnny to help me and we began looking for emergency vets and called mason (nadia's daddy) to tell him what was going on. we called poison control to see what effects 5htp would have on a dog and they didn't say much other than headache and being wobbly. poor nadia was quickly getting worse. we left for the nearest vet and arranged to meet mason there.

unfortunately, the vet we went to was quite ill equipped to handle this situation. they were a small private practice working out of an old house and they referred up to GVS - georgia veterinary specialists. we drove all the way there and gave nadia to the nurses. we really couldn't explain what was wrong with her so they explained the costs of looking at her and they took her to the back. mason was still on his way, so i gave them permission to look at her until he got there. i then realized i was standing in this really nice pet hospital in sandy springs wearing my house dress and flip flops, hair still messy and teeth not brushed. we waited. waited some more. the vet hospital was really really nice, with a greenspace in the back and artwork everywhere. finally mason showed up and i explained everything for like the tenth time.

my guess was she had chewed and swallowed something that was blocking her bowels or something like that. i was pretty sure the xray would show something crazy in her stomach like a kitchen knife or something and she would need surgery. i felt awful, just terrible. poor nadia.

finally the doctor came out and brought us to the exam room where she asked us exactly what happened. i explained everything with as many details as i could. she then asked if we had any illegal drugs in our house that nadia could have gotten into. mason and i looked at each other. i confessed to her that i smoke pot but the dog had no way of getting into it. (plus, i have seen the effects of weed on a dog and it aint nothing like that...) so she then explained to us that nadia was hallucinating. i was kind of shocked - i didn't know what to think. the doc said nadia's clinical presentation is that of a neurological problem - her eyes were completely dilated, she couldn't follow objects with her eyes and her blood pressure was high but heart rate low. all i could think in my head was, ohmigod, she's tripping...

so, what next? the doctor confirmed the effects of 5htp on a dog with the animal poison control and told us that nadia should be OK, she just has to flush the drug out of her system with fluids and take a medicine that counteracts the 5htp. we were quite relieved. after hearing that, we were so happy she was going to be ok that we couldn't help but laugh at the situation. i about had a heart attack thinking nadia was going to die and really all it was was a bad trip. johnny (trying to pretend not to be a smartass) asked the doctor if nadia would suffer from flashbacks.

apparently 5 htp is quite toxic to dogs and they can easily overdose with a small amount. it can be fatal... luckily she didn't seem to have ingested that much. mason took nadia home with some meds and nadia seemed to be bouncing back immediately. thank goodness!

was it all meant to be?

it's been an eventful week for us. johnny received news from his family in beaufort that his father is not faring so well after his triple bypass and leaky valve repair. so, johnny made the somewhat difficult decision to leave new york in the middle of his training to see his dad at the hospital in savannah. he arrived in atlanta late friday night (which is a whole 'nother story in and of itself...) and we drove to savannah saturday morning with all three dogs and a well-packed suitcase. i dropped johnny off at st.joeseph's and met up with my bff kim. we hung out a bit, went to the pita pit with the dogs (they get lots of attention cause they are so damn cute) and then i drove back to beaufort where johnny was waiting for me at his parent's house.

i have travelled so much between savannah, beaufort, and atlanta that all three places feel like home. i am equally happy to arrive to each place. in any case, stepping into johnny's parent's house is like stepping back in time about 20 years. the house is small and modest - but it just feels like a family lives there. there are old pictures all over the walls, all kind of figurines and paintings of the beach... i've never spent the night at their house before - mainly because johnny's old house is right around the corner and we always stayed there - but this time we left the dogs with jimmy and stayed in johnny's dad's bedroom. this is quite possibly the scariest bedroom i have ever been in. everywhere you look is either a picture of jesus, virgin mary, crosses, and angels. he has a big wooden plaque with the last supper on it and an even bigger velvet painting (yes - from the 60's) of jesus kneeling in prayer. they have little decorative bowls next to each door that keeps holy water in it! the bed was hard as a rock and much smaller than johnny and i are used to. i can only describe the first night there as - provocative (don't do that! jesus is watching).

we visited savannah again the next day and this time i saw johnny's dad. it's hard to see someone you know hooked up to all those machines and totally unconscious. we ended up staying there most of the day, hanging out at the hospital or the hotel across the street where johnny's mom rented a room for the night. so much has happened it's hard to write it all down now, especially since i am on a computer that is from the 90's. i have taken pictures while we are here, but i have to wait until i get home to upload those. so until then, all i can say is that johnny's dad is in stable, yet critical, condition. he is fighting off a bad case of pneumonia and a nasty staph infection but his heart is getting stronger and his color looks better. there is a lot of support down here for the family (remind me to tell you about 100% roman catholic tshirts later) so we are being optimistic. we also told his family of our plans to get married in october. almost everyone but my mother knows about our wedding now. i think the entire town of beaufort knows at this point. i don't plan on telling my mom because she would completely take over my wedding and i would be powerless to stop her. this way we can plan our wedding in peace. she's going to be pissed but oh fucking well. i don't care. she's going to korea the day after the wedding so she might not even be able to make it anyways. so yeah, lots of stuff goin on - i will fill in more details later....

oh the joy of cameras!!

choco sniffing the forsythias; louie getting his big head right in the middle of my shot...

yesterday i went ahead and borrowed my old camera back from my stepdad to use while johnny and i are on vacation next weekend. i forgot how much i missed taking pictures and couldn't resist snapping a few early spring photos around my house. well, i got a little carried away and ended up doing full panoramas of every corner of my yard. i even got on the roof.

it was a beautiful day yesterday and there was plenty to take pictures of, but i wont bore you with pictures of random trees and wood siding. so, here are a few highlights. feast your eyes upon this:

my sorry compost pile with chicken pen/seedling cold frame made of bamboo... beautiful background, though!

one of my new blackberry bushlings, waiting to be planted....

fruits of my labor last year, i think i planted these

while still in a cast....

moto and choco, stalking me in the side yard where

i plan to build the chicken pen.

the curtain i made a couple weeks ago for my closet,

i took out the closet door because it was always open

and took up too much space.

this is my shame....how can i get anything done with an

office that looks like this?? there's material everywhere!!

i have nowhere to put anything - please help!!

a random corner in my bedroom, i thought the bright

orange looked cool against the aqua blue walls. yes, my

bedroom really is this color and i freakin LOVE it.

aaahhhh.... wasn't that nice? pictures to look at! it's been too long....

the rest of the weekend actually sucked. johnny got sick and was miserable, neither one of us got any sleep despite getting a brand new king sized pillowtop 10 year non pro-rated warranty chiropractic approved 10 guage spring memory foam bed. we took apart the evil ikea bed and put it in the shed and actually went to american signature and bought a whole new bedroom suite, but then i decided (in the middle of the night) to cancel the bedroom furniture and just use the antique furniture that johnny is refinishing. thank god i came to my senses. spending that much money on furniture is ridiculous, what was i thinking? oh yea, that we could actually afford it....silly me. i would rather have a happy carefree existence unburdened by debt, thank you very much.

at last....

a piece of good news, no matter how small, should be celebrated. my dentist has informed me today that I HAVE NO CAVITIES. thank the gods. one less thing to worry about.

life IS good

isn't that funny? it came out of my mouth, yes.

why do i think life is good? well, right now, i am remembering where i was and what i was doing exactly a year ago. exactly one year ago i was stuck in my bed with a broken ankle. i couldn't do a damn thing for myself except be miserable.

i had a stainless steel plate and screws riveted to my bones. i had horrible pain, muscle cramps, terrible rashes, and a general and overwhelming sense of just plain misery. i hated life. i hated my mom. i hated my fiance, i hated everyone and everything.

most of all, i hated myself. for being that way.

karma was not good to me last year, but it will be good to me this year. and so far, it has. besides random bouts of irrational depression, life is good. i forgot how weak and helpless i was and how much it pissed me off. i forgot how i never thought i would rehabilitate my ankle and walk normally again. i really thought i was just doomed. it has and can be worse, but for now, its good and i am happy for that.

i'd say overall the cosmos has been good to me.

more on health...

a fresh and newly inspired attempt at being healthy has once again struck. i had a visit with my doctor recently because i had some inexplicable chest discomfort that felt like a boulder was expanding in my chest which is, needless to say, alarming. i was afraid that my heart might actually give out on me. so the doctor pointed out the first obvious problem - my weight. i am at this point, considerably overweight. most of the weight has been gained in the past 6 years. the second issue that she pointed out after an ekg and exam is that my body is producing a "stress response". my body is under the impression that i am under some kind of duress and is responding by raising hormone levels and perpetuating my weight gain. the problem is, i am not really under any unusual stress. honestly, i am comparatively stress-free.

so, what could this stress be? anything. seriously, it could be the most minute little thing that builds up, or is combining with other little things which magnify, mulitply, whatever. here's my theory: my general health is fundamentally comprimised due to many factors, the majority of which is caused by my weight, so obviously i need to lose the weight. but that doesn't happen overnight so i need to have a plan b to follow while i lose the weight so a sudden illness or injury doesn't send me back to square 1 as it always seems to do. it's hard to exercise on a regular basis when you are sick, injured, in some kind of mysterious pain, tired, crabby, and hungry. but all of these things are inter-related so i will simply have to suffer through the symptoms and attack my lack of health regardless of how my peg leg feels or how depressed i am.

i have to thank the cosmos, or maybe modern technology, but it seems as though information (or inspiration) lands in my lap as though i conjured it with my mind. i literally was thinking about how to boost my nautral immune system so i can fend off the cold or flu or whatever might come my way. heck, i would be happy if my body could heal minor cuts and bruises in a timely and effective manner, and bam! in my email inbox is a newsletter about the immune boosting effects of meditation. also, this weekend i get a phone call out of the blue from my good pal kim who is telling me about the benefits of using a sauna. she mentioned that spending like 20 minutes in the sauna detoxifies your body as much your kidney would in 24 hours. don't quote me on that, but its definitely worth trying out.

all this in addition to the healthy steps i have already implemented and there may be hope for me yet. if you are wondering what healthy steps i have already implemented they are the following: completely quit smoking (yes, hard to believe i even had this horrible habit, thankfully i wasn't hopelessly addicted), i stopped eating so much junk food, quit drinking soda everyday, i actually did exercise regularly until my ankle broke, i learned to control my temper, i weeded the negatively influtential people in my life (ironically, my mother isn't quite in this catagory), and i began researching and implementing natural health remedies and techniques. this is monumental because before i was too stressed and depressed to really give a shit about hypericum perforatum and arnica gel and natural toothpaste. i give a shit now. a really big shit.

so i have a follow-up appointment with my doc in 4 weeks, and i would like to impress her by losing a few pounds by then. i am going to concentrate on eating less carbs and walking a little more. small steps. maybe with some positive reinforcement and some support i can emerge from my current situation a happier, healthier person.

a week hardly worth mentioning

yeah, not so much going on. i'm being very reserved. i don't know what it is. after being sick, after going through my little bout of depression, after dealing with my job and random people trying to scam me, i'm just sort of hollow. there's no excitement or really anything to look forward to. i'm not sad - i'm just too comfortable? i'm used to drama. moving places, dealing with all kinds of people, always something going on. i don't know if i am enjoying this calm or hating it. something is....missing. i am in a routine that i didn't really mean to be, it just sort of happened. and now i suppose i have to analyze it and figure out where to go from here. i know my stress levels have dropped. maybe my body has doped itself. maybe it's cause my mom has kept her distance a bit. maybe i need a vacation.

in related news, another potential solution just plopped into my lap - a mood tracker. it's an online tool where i can track my mood each day, and write about what is affecting it. i think it's worth a shot. it'll be interesting to see the trends once i get enough info in it.

we got a new employee at work this week. an interiors girl. she and i have a few things in common, and she seems very nice. i like her. she has a blue pit bull that she showed me pictures of. he looks the same as syrus when they were puppies - all wrinkly and red-handed with a shoe or sock in the mouth.

last night i had a weird chest discomfort - kind of like i had a balloon building pressure in my chest. tomorrow i see the doctor about it. i am convinced that one day i will die of heart disease or some other cardio related disorder. i would rather go out that way than a horrible accident, though. not trying to be depressing, i'm just sayin...

ok, i'm ending this post before it just gets out of hand....

i'm back!

today is my first day back to work since i contracted the plague. i went to work briefly on wednesday but then had to go straight to the hospital with my mom afterwards. we were there until 1:30 am, and all we got was an asthma prescription. well, actually i got hooked up to the nebulizer and a shot in the ass which felt like liquid fire spreading across my butt. the doc said the flu is really bad this year and actually prescribed bed rest for 4 days. i think from now on i am going to get the flu shot, even if it doesn't cover all strains it helps. i still have a gross cough which i've been told could last up to 6 months. yippee.

the good news is a think i lost a few pounds. from now on i am going to eat way more fruits and vegetables. i'm just not a really big fan of vegetables. well, american vegetables anyways. gimme sprouts and spinach and roots anyday. i'm tired of tomatoes and squash and cucumber. overall, my health needs to improve. seriously. why is this so difficult? well, i'll tell you why. i can be pretty lazy and i suck at cooking. well, i suck at ethnic cooking. i don't know how or why it happened, but it takes a certain old school flair to make the perfect kimchi soup that i just don't seem to have. my denjang jigae always comes out tasting funny. my rice cakes are always gooey and when i do the spicy/sweet thing it either comes out too spicy or too sweet. plus, it takes a lot of dedication to shop for and prepare korean food. i love korean style fish but i can't cook it to save my freakin life. there's no recipe for this stuff, it's all in my mom's head and it changes everytime! i don't think korean women like to write down recipes. it must be bad luck or something.

for now, i need to just commit to eating more salad and raw fruit. less meat and processed foods. much less sugar. no more soda. i am an adult now and adults don't eat these things.

again??

i'm sure my boss think i am totally full of shit. but i swear, i got the flu again. and i promise it really was the flu and not just a cold. oh no, i don't get colds. i get viruses.

so i believe that was flu #3 in the past 12 months. this flu was particularly bad because i had a really high fever for two days straight. thankfully i had johnny around to take care of me.

i uploaded some pics i promised a while back. i'm going to go rest now. more later.

blind for a day

...it's been an interesting week. started off boring enough, then bam! we get snow and i go blind.

yep, it snowed. someone answered my prayers and suddenly wednesday afternoon big fat flakes began to fall from the sky. in a panicked frenzy, everyone in atlanta decided to rush home around 5 pm. my usual route home was practically gridlocked, so i thought i might detour and visit with my mom. except she wasn't answering her phone. then johnny's stupid gps (it's called maestro - don't get it!) got me completely and hopelessly lost in downtown atlanta. it was momentary insanity. I finally made it home and played with the dogs outside.

louie has never seen snow. i wasn't there to witness his first snowflake but i hear it was entertaining. he was jumping around wildly and just having a happy-go-lucky time. bibi was having some fun chasing flakes, too. syrus was over it. his grumpy ass just stayed in the warm house. there was even enough snow for johnny and i to have a small snowball fight.

then the next morning i woke up with a mysterious eye infection. it was painful. i couldn't open my eyes because any light created a searing pain in my retina. my right retina, to be precise. my eye was completely bloodshot and at first i thought maybe i had pinkeye. nope. i had to take out my contact and i knew i wouldn't be able to drive to work, or even work period. i called in sick.

i figured i would have to just let it follow its course so i took some echinacea/goldenseal and bilberry/eyebright. i made a hot chamomile tea compress and sat on the couch in a gloom. it became apparent quickly that this was no normal eye infection. my eye was in serious PAIN. johnny came home for lunch and thankfully decided to find me a doctor. since i don't have health insurance yet (i will on feb. 1st) i was trying to avoid the e.r. he found me a doctor in snellville, about 30 mins away. my dad took me there. and hour and a queasy stomach later, we arrived at the clinic. i was literally blindfolded because the teeniest amount of light in either eye inspired a searing pain in my infected eye. i had on my sleeping mask with the chamomile compress underneath and one hand on my dad's shoulder while he led me from the car to the building. i followed closely, knowing my dad he was very likely to walk me into a pole or have me trip over a curb. we went inside and even though i can't confirm this, i am quite sure he was lost and that we were walking in circles. he mutters to himself, pauses, mutters again, and continues on. somehow he walked me into tree branches (i thought i was safe indoors, but i was wrong!) and then finally we found the clinic suite.

the doctor gave me a pain reliever in my eye and i was able to open them. kinda. then she tortured me with her instruments and lights and announced that i had a corneal ulcer. which kinda freaked me out. it's actually common with contact lens wearers and it's from wearing them for too long. i walked out of there with thick sunglasses (on a very cloudy day) and went home with a teeny bottle of antibiotic eye drops worth $100.00. i had to put one drop in my eye every hour.

the next morning i was much better. i had a follow-up exam and got another bottle of the most expensive liquid on earth. i have to wear my dorky superthick glasses. my right eye looks like a zombie's. but i am happy, not so much pain anymore. still a bit light sensitive but i am optimistic for a full recovery.

this here is a prime example of how i work. i must learn ALL of my lessons the hard way. from now on, i cannot sleep with contacts in. in fact, i should probably be wearing glasses more than my contacts, which i know now are evil. i guess i could get lasik but i am too much of a chicken and don't have the couple grand to shell out for it. 2008 is going to be a great year, dammit.

daemons

this is a fun little quiz.... i am looking forward to seeing this movie, too. seems like a while since i've been to a good movie. johnny and i have been using netflix for about a month now and it's really nice. we are using the heck out of membership, that's for sure. we probably get about 9 dvd's a week, 3 at a time. yeah.

i read a couple of articles on MSN about death. it sounds morbid and everything but i actually learned a lot. it's a sad event but of course inevitable. there are ways to make it less - traumatic..? i think about my own mortality probably way more than i should but only because it scares me so much. there are some really horrible ways to die, and i wondered why do humans have to suffer long drawn-out painful deaths if everyone knows it's going to happen? you should be able to choose to put yourself out of misery. i don't want to die slowly from pressure on my brain, i would rather be put to sleep. that way i can say my goodbye's and not make my friends and family suffer along with me. it that against the law? would it be considered suicide? it seems like you should be able to exit this life on your own terms (where possible). well, i know this blog is turning a bit dark lately but i think death is an important issue and the more i know about it the better i seem to feel.

i am so ready for this year to be over. i really really hope next year will be good. i don't know how to guarantee it, but i'll try. i need to remain honest with myself and don't be lazy.

FU 2007 - Hello 2008

since my last post is so depressing, i can't let it be the top of the page for too long. It's a looong story but we've got bibi stablized for the time being. she is still in serious condition but we are coping. let's just say this week has sucked pretty bad - i'm still coughing like crazy and yesterday i spent about an hour in the morning cleaning up dog poo and vomit before i went to work. but it's all over (i hope) and i am going to put it behind me. we just have a few weeks left in 2007 and despite the extremely shitty year it's been i would like to try to make the best of what's left. i am really really hoping that 2008 will be a blessed year for us and to help remind us that things CAN be worse I am going to highlight some of the shittiest events of 2007. (in chronological order)

1. *I got rid of James (after calling off the wedding at the last minute)
2. I broke my ankle in two places requiring metal implant surgery
3. I was bedridden for a month, wheelchair bound for a month, crutches for another month and still in pain/discomfort
4. I had to call off my AT hike (obviously)
5. I lost a couple of friends in a huge argument (misunderstanding, actually)
6. Louie had to have a hematoma removed from his head
7. I got a nasty skin infection on my toe which still isn't healed
8. I got very ill with flu and cold - several times
9. I got fired
10. I was unemployed for 2 months
11. Bibi is critically injured

oh, and an honorable mention to all the little shit that happened in-between all of the above including (but not limited to) bouts of depression, weight gain, financial hardships, and various medical maladies that would be TMI for most of you.

*note: this is actually a really good thing, but going through it was hell.

The good things that happened to me this year are: Johnny and I got back together.
And to prove that I CAN turn lemons into lemonade - I realized how completely miserable I have made myself by not following my own heart and from now on I am going to make better decisions. This year has been about learning lessons the hard way so hopefully i can use this knowledge to make next year better. The most valuable lesson - rely on nobody but yourself. Nobody else is going to help you make the decisions you need to make or help you through anything. Be as self-reliant as possible. That will be my motto from henceforth.

Johnny and i agree that we can't be victims of consequence. we should try to be as independant as possible - starting with our careers. living under the fear that you could be unemployed at the drop of a hat is damaging to your soul. why work to make someone else rich? we are going to come up with some plans to make our own business and slowly wean ourselves off of working for other people.

In order to start off 2008 right, there are some items that need to be resolved this month: Bibi's legs, our budget, my IDP credits, and a business plan. One of our highest priorities for next year is HEALTH. something that cannot be taken for granted. I am tired of being sickly and fat whereas johnny has made serious health advances this year by quitting mt. dew and tapering off the junk food and smoking. i haven't done shit to improve my health except educate myself.

My mother's brithday is coming up and i got her that digital photo frame. i think she will like it a lot.

bibi can't walk

this is a very difficult post for me, i have been very very upset since sunday and didn't even want to write about it but i think i should. we took the dogs to dry pond to run around and bibi somehow hurt her good hind leg. now both her back legs are bad. the left one is lame from the surgery that failed back in spring and now it's the only hind leg that she can use because she stopped using her right one altogether. i'm so devastated i can't stop crying and i want to throw up. we are probably going to have to have the implant surgery on both hind legs which means she won't be able to walk for a while - and for bibi that's going to be tough. she is such an active dog, she loves to swim in the ocean, run at top speed, and wrestle. i don't even know how we are going to get her to potty, much less play. she's only 3 years old. it will take months for her to heal, then we have to figure out how to get her physical therapy which is basically learning to walk again in a pool. i had to do that when i broke my ankle and it can be tough - not just physically but emotionally. she's a very dense dog and after all of this i'm afraid she will be reduced to half her size. the worst is sitting at work knowing she is at home in pain and not being able to do anything about it. i am trying very hard to get her vet to admit her to UGA's vet hospital for emergency orthopedic surgery. until then, she won't eat, drink or even wag her tail...poor bunni....i just hope we can afford all of this because if we can't i really dont know what to do.

my immune system sucks

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

well, i thought i was in the clear but i was wrong. i'm tempted to blame johnny for this but who knows how i got sick again. yesterday after lunch i started to feel a tickle in my throat. i figured it was the heater (i hate convection heat!) at work and i knew if i breathed in that shit for too long it would make me sick. well, by bedtime my throat felt like it had been rubbed raw by a thousand razors and i didn't sleep all night long. this morning i could barely speak when i called in sick. luckily, we have zicam - like every product they sell. the cough spray really really helped cause everytime i coughed i wanted to cry. right now i am just really tired and somewhat feverish. my throat feels a bit better. hopefully i'll be better by tomorrow, but things could go downhill fast. i've been watching old episodes of charmed in bed with the dogs. i truly hate being sick.

in crafty news, i made an xmas ornament - well actually alot of our xmas ornaments we made - but this one i photoshopped the dogs into a small frame we got at michaels. i made little snowflakes out of doggie bones and made it look all pretty. we got some great ornaments on our tree! this weekend i think johnny is going to decorate the outside of the house - our neighbor across the street put up a bunch of lights so now he's feeling competitive.

today my mom took me to a korean restaurant for fish soup and she asked me about my future. always a loaded question. but she kept it low-pressure. she even told me that i could have that 14 acres of land with the waterfall. it's a small relatively useless patch of land but it's still land. it's the area where she wanted to put a subdivision and i tried to convince her into making it a green community. i'm actually kind of surprised that she's taking me seriously about the whole living in the country thing. she said she regrets not planting those black walnut tress on her other property when she first bought it back in the early 80's. she said i should plant trees right away. i think that's exactly what i will do.

it's f*ing cold

like i said, it's f*ing cold here in atl. tonight it's supposed to go below freezing, which is a big deal here in this state. i am already suffering the beginnings of a cold. mild headache, runny nose, sneezing, tiredness, and sinus pressure. at least its not the flu. i hate the flu. unfortunately, the echinacea goldenseal i ordered online was just shipped today so by the time i get my herbs i'll probably be over the worst part. i am going to raid johnny's dresser tonight for some echinacea.

i finally took the mazda into a mechanic. i would be really assed out if it blew up on me like the camry. it wasn't so bad, he flushed and cleaned and told me to bring it back if i notice anything. i really liked this mechanic. finally, a mechanic i can trust. i paid a little more, but he did what he said he would.

i had to start taking iron pills this past weekend. i was so drained i could barely do anything and i know i am already aenemic so i bought a bottle of dried ferros sulfate. yummy. now my poop is green.

last night i posted an ad on craigslist. to my complete surprise, i got responses. here's the ad. i hope it works out. if it does, i see myself really succeeding at organizing such a thing. i have been practicing knitting everyday and i just completely suck at it. jane showed me some awesome tricks sunday night. that woman can knit with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back. she actually wears what she knits and it looks good! i swear by the end of this year, i will complete a knitting project, even if it's a washcloth. and it probably will be.

since yesterday i have eaten an entire sleeve of chips ahoy cookies. i just had to get that off my chest.

drought

so the drought is a lot worse than i thought. there's even been talk about "running out". i've come across some articles about it in the news and also from chatting with some of the people in my pottery class. it's way serious. the sad thing is, it doesn't have to be. if people and more importantly, the government and developers, conserved water and used their heads to design more water efficiently, we would not be in this much of a crisis. it reminds me of what my sustainability professor said to our class once - he said that man could never bring about the destruction of the planet. the phrase "save the planet" is a misnomer. what we are effectively doing is destroying ourselves. mother nature will prevail no matter what we do. but in that process mankind could be wiped out. and it would be all our fault. there's always a balancing act going on, whatever we dish out will be counteracted by nature. i think we are learning this lesson the hard way now. hopefully it's not too late.

on a brighter note, i made an excellent roasted vegetable lasagna last night. it was probably the most delicious thing i have ever made in my life.

on a darker note, all this talk in the news about staph infections has caused me to worry about my toe - which is still not healed. i did some research on staph infections and it sounds exactly like what i have going on in my toe - it's called ritter disease or scalded skin syndrome. i am kind of mad at the doctors i have been to who have failed to notice this. now that i don't have health insurance i am kind of screwed. why are doctors so damn stupid? what's the point of seeing a doctor when you have a better chance of diagnosis using google!?

and on a even darker note, i am swirling down my little vortex of introversion and loathing. it happens occasionally, usually when i am especially insecure or depressed about something. i begin to really dislike people. all people, strangers and people i know. it's not normal to do this, right? i just think about how ugly people can be even if they don't realize it. by ugly i mean rude, self-absorbed, shallow, mean, condescending, etc. i get especially pissed at my mother when normally the comments she makes rolls right off me. this is a time when i become very anti-social and begin to lose contact with friends and aquaintances. sometimes i come back around but sometimes i don't. i've only got one friend who has survived all of my phases so i'm not worried about her. maybe it's better that i stay awy from people that way i don't have a chance to be dissapointed with them. i just don't know why i get like that and what to do about it.

i also started the compost pile today - finally. who knows if it will work. we need to get some chicken wire and some worms. i can't wait to get the wool fibers i bought on ebay and try felting. my creativity has been so stifled i don't even know where to begin. i got some ideas to start with, though.

breakin' the law

this morning johnny and i woke up and decided to pressure wash the house. we've been talking about doing it for months. we decided to go have breakfast at the galaxy diner then go to our favorite place to shop - home depot. during breakfast, we couldn't help but overhear the conversation going on at the table next to us. something they said reminded me that the entire state of georgia is under a watering ban. well, that kind of gets in the way of our pressure washing, doesn't it? then i got a little miffed because how does the government get off telling everyone not to use water instead of doing something to control water waste by using some common sense civil engineering? so much water is wasted by the storm drainage system and oh yea - the fact that almost every square inch of atlanta is paved. well, before i veer off topic too much, johnny and i decided to hell with the government - we are going to pressure wash anyways. we can use the well if we have to. so we got some rocks to landscape with and went home to wash. at first the pressure washer wouldn't work, so we had to take it apart and clean it. we cut down some branches, swept alot, did some minor grading, and i sprayed some simple green on the toughest stains on the house. we finally got the pressure washer going and boy was it loud. all i can say is i am very glad we decided to pressure wash the house. i calculated the amount of water we used to be around 300 gallons, maybe a bit less. the back patio looks completely different - like a brand new patio. i never knew it was a nice shade of tan before. the whole time, however, we were paranoid that someone was going to call the cops on us. the machine was loud and we had it going for almost 2 hours. no cops, and a nice clean back patio and house. so worth it. i don't feel guilty, either cause we never watered our lawn and we conserve water in the house wherever we can.

on a side note, i am developing a weird rash on my neck and face. never had this before, and don't know what it is. i noticed it yesterday, after fall family funday that i was itchy around my neck. now i have little bumps everywhere. hmmm....

skinny bitch

if you have already heard me rave about this book i just read called skinny bitch then you may want to just stop reading now - there's more comin'. i learned some new things, but for the most part i have known, or at least suspected, many of the things talked about in this book. really it was just a confirmation for me - with research to back it up. and for that i am very grateful because i have read hundreds of articles, pamphlets, brochures, and books about diet - what you should and shouldn't eat, how and when and how much - and it's mostly just bullshit. or most of the time they write like they are trying to explain astrophysics to a retard. either way you end up reading in circles and end up back to square one. the beauty of skinny bitch is that it's short and to the point - use your common sense. trust yourself and trust nature. DO NOT TRUST MAN or anything manmade. nothing is sugar-coated and i like that. if there's anything you should know about me by now is that i like to make informed decisions - and i like to my own decisions whether they are good or bad.

in a nutshell the book tells you to become vegan. and it sounds extreme (and it kinda is..) BUT they explain why very well. and the way that they explain it makes you WANT to be a vegan. Vegan is good, but it's not for everybody and it is VERY difficult. I honestly do not see myself being sucessfully vegan. not for the long haul, anyways. the only things that i couldn't give up are cheese and eggs. i cannot live without my cheese and eggs. but i have decided that i eat way too much cheese and eggs so i am cutting back drastically. seriously after knowing the process and where cheese comes from and how they get it is disturbing to say the least. your are basically eating moldy breastmilk from another beast.

so, read the book if you want to know the truth. it won't be easy. DON'T read the book if you enjoy eating the way you do. but don't expect your health to improve, either.

vegetarianism is much easier and more practical. it's amazing how much more variety and flexibility eating cheese and eggs gives you as a vegetarian. CHICKEN is terrible, people. just yesterday my mom and i drove past a big semi carrying chickens stuffed in crates - i saw dead chicken heads poking out of the sides. it's fucking horrendous. this is why i want to have my own farm because i wouldn't mind eating chicken and especially eggs if i knew exactly where it came from, how it lived and how it died (in the case of chicken, obviously). I can't ever see myself butchering a cow or pig, though. it's easy to eat those things when you don't think about the process but once you KNOW it takes some re-prioritizing to ever eat meat again. I don't know how i got sucked back into eating meat again - i have a strong suspicion that it was korean bbq. no beef can equal the taste and savory smell of korean bbq. i must stay away from it because that is my weakness. before i went back to eating meat, the sight and especially smell of ground beef was repulsive. probably because i could smell feces and rotting flesh in the meat. chicken also grossed me out cause it was slimy and you had to see body parts. pork was just gross for some reason. pigs are cute and eating them seemed somewhat evil. it is.

fish, however. fish i can eat. i enjoy fishing and i think it is pretty natural to eat fish. there's problems there too, though. fish are very sensitive to their environment. you can tell much faster that water is contaminated by looking at it's inhabitants. fish unfortunately have to live in our polluted waters. think about the type of shit that goes down your drain. what about the drain at say, a gas station? or a mcdonald's? where does that shit end up ultimately? do you want any part of that entering your body? i am skeptical of eating salmon now - it is a big industry that has it's flaws just like any other meat industry. i would rather eat fish that came from sources i trust. better yet, fish from my mom's lake. but she only has brim, catfish, and bass. i like tuna, salmon, cod, and tilapia. I also like crab, shrimp and lobster. i shall continue to eat seafood but be discriminating.

what i can remember from being vegetarian way back when....
i could see, hear, and mostly taste and smell better.
i had more energy.
i could wake up earlier.
i did not have food cravings.
i did not have sweet cravings.
i could think clearer.
i lost weight.
i had better skin, hair and nails.
i liked the feeling of empty in my stomach. it did not freak me out to the point where i felt like i had to stuff myself or die of starvation.

now i have to keep in mind that at the same time i was vegetarian i was extremely poor and smoked pot. i was too poor to feed my munchies from smoking pot so i had to get used to being hungry a lot. but i did it. i had to. maybe i resented that fact and when i had more money i went overboard with making sure i had an adequately stocked fridge. i began to overeat and that led to eating meat. i don't know what i was thinking but i do think i had some sort of mental paranoia or delusions that made me think i had to gorge myself whenever i got the chance.

fortunately, it's only been a few years since all that started happening. unfortunately, it doesn't take long to completely fuck up your health. i would say it's been about 6 years that i have been living in this unhealthy state. it's time to reverse some damage.

mentionables

dry pond garden is a wonderful place to visit. it is also a fantastic place to get married. the landscape is beautiful and the old house is very charming.

BUYING ANIMALS FROM PET STORES IS EVIL. THEY BUY THEIR ANIMALS FROM MILLS THAT END UP IN SHELTERS IF THEY AREN'T BOUGHT. THEY DO NOT TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF THEIR ANIMALS. THEY CONTRIBUTE TO THE STUPIDITY KNOWN AS "DESIGNER BREEDING" WHICH IS BASICALLY CREATING A NEW KIND OF MUTT. IF YOU ARE SOMEONE WHO HAS BOUGHT A PUGGLE OR A COCKERDOODLE FROM A PETSTORE, YOU SHOULD BE BEATEN AND HUMILIATED. YOU JUST SPENT SEVERAL HUNDRED DOLLARS ON A MUTT YOU DUMBASS. GO TO THE SHELTER AND ADOPT AN ANIMAL FOR WAY LESS AND YOU WILL BE SAVING A LIFE.

costco is now carrying an environmentally friendly product!!!! it's called ecos and it is a liquid laundry detergent. it costs about $12 and you can do something like 150 loads. it is biodegradable and made from soy products! they are considering carrying more eco-friendly products IF there are good enough sales. we bought some yesterday and if you have a costco membership, you should too!!

taking vitamins is good for your health, people. i was a very adamant non-vitamin taker because i believed that our bodies are capable of extracting vitmains from food and other sources naturally. which is true, BUT - the energy that your body uses to extract these vitamins from food causes damage to your DNA (it's called aging and is caused by the release of free radicals) and if you take vitamins (GOOD ONES like juice plus) that energy can be used for other functions that benefit your mind and body thus contributing to *gasp* evolution of your dna (which is then passed down to your children who are less likely to inherit negative traits from you!). don't believe me? well, i am no scientist but these people are:

morphologists tell us that certain body structures would be impossible to build without enough of the right kinds of food. to build a brain, for instance, you need miles of lipid (fatty) membrane to wrap around neurons, and lots of vascualr tissue to feed those neurons. both components are made of essential (long-chain) fatty acid derivatives, which are chemically manufactures in an herbivore's body, startin with fats in leaves and seeds. an easier way to amass large quantities of these "neural" fatty acids is to eat animals that have already manufactured them for you. switching from a leaf only diet to one with meat, therefore, might have given carnivores a larger supply of neural building blocks - the ticket to advanced structures like keen eyes and a bigger brain.

second, in addition to being a structural material, food is also a batch of chemicals, which, by their nature, are reactive. when these substances enter the body, they bump into and interact with the bath of hormones, enzymes, genes, and neurotransmitters that govern and regulate cell life. above a certain threshold concentration, food chemicals may begin to influence which enzymes start to work, or when genes will turn on or turn off.

this threshold mechanism gives food the ability to tweak powerful control knobs within the body. imagine, for instance, that an adaptation is lying dormant in the genes, just waiting for a chemical surge to "turn it on". there's no telling what might emerge as a result of a good diet. witness the spurt in human height, for instance, when nutritious foods became widely available in the western world. in this case the nutrients affect the phenotype (the growing body) but not the genotype (the set of instructions encoded in DNA that is passed from generation to generation). take the diet away from the next generation of phenotypes, and heights will shrink to prior averages.

but what if diet can affect certain aspects of our permanent genotype over the long haul? Crawford and Marsh think that it can, and they offer the following rationale. if you can eat an animal that makes an important nutrient, such as vitamin A, you no longer have to devote your biosynthetic pathways to making vitamin A. this frees your energy for other chores, like building a brain. it may also free up genetic space, the authors speculate. say you have only so much room on your chromosomal "hard drive" and it's already filled with genetic instructions. by eating vitamin A manufactures by another animal, your instructions for synthesizing vitamin A become superfluous. if a mutation suddenly rewrote that gene sequence with another set of instructions - a new adaptation - you wouldn't miss the vitamin A recipe, and you could therefore live to take advantage of, and pass on, the new adaptation. evolution, stuck on its plateau, would suddenly spring to a new level.

excerpt taken from Biomimicry - Innovation Inspired by Nature by Janin M. Benyus