thinking about my resolution

i think its very important for me to think carefully about my life and my future and make some resolutions towards my goals. maybe it's quiet around me to help with clarity so i should take advantage of it, right? for this week, i have very little i can do other than think. and plan. so for the next few days leading up to new year's, i will be contemplating the following areas of interest:

my physical health
my career
my future husband
my potential children
my geographical location(s)
my preferred lifestyle
my financial health

i feel like its very selfish to think all about me but i know i owe it to myself. i owe it to my family as well. i always have plans and goals but this time i really have to make some monumental changes and decisions towards my goals. i really can't afford to become distracted anymore. so, hopefully this week i will have the mental clarity and the willpower to make my resolutions come true.

not a very merry xmas

this year with all the crap that's going on, all the pressure we are under, all the stress we deal with everyday, johnny and i decided not to have christmas. beside the fact that we have zero money to spend on gifts or anything, we just wanted to be left the hell alone. even still johnny drove to beaufort to have xmas with his family just to make an appearance. i treated it just like any other day pretty much. i cooked and cleaned like i always do. but i didn't mind cause all the food came out great and the one guest we had over - emily, kim's old roomie - really enjoyed herself. so i guess i can honestly describe our christmas as laid back.

but it's pretty much safe to say i hate christmas. i am now officially the grinch. actually, i never really liked christmas that much as a kid, either. i hardly ever got what i wanted so i didn't bother making a list. when i got older i started getting some things i really wanted - mostly electronic gadgets from my mom (who i suspect was trying to make up for something). but more than anything i hated how people act around the holidays. it seems like people are either greedy, depressed, jealous, anxious, prideful, and self absorbed. i can't exactl exclude myself from those adjectives but i knew christmas was not a very good holiday. it seemed to bring out a lot of bad in people.

and it also stands to reason that since i don't believe in christ, i shouldn't be celebrating christmas. so i don't think i will celebrate christmas anymore. at least, not in it's modern "traditional" sense. yea, i like to decorate with christmas-y things. i like to bake cookies and make snowmen (theoretical snowmen, anyways), i like the general feel of christmas. but i hate the travelling, the obligation, the anxiety over gifts and family. so i'll take what i like and leave the rest.

what about our kids? are we robbing them of a happy childhood? if you really think your kids need christmas to have a happy childhood then you aren't doing a very good job. i think our kids will be very happy, and we will more than compensate for not brainwashing our children into thinking a fat man is going to give them presents. (no offense to fat men...)

so yeah. poo on christmas.

but we actually had a good time. i even got to make experimental peanut butter & jelly samosas.

it's been a long month...

yes, i realize i haven't posted in a month and my last post was obviously filler. so much has been going on i haven't been able to keep updated except for on facebook, which is like crack. i've been going all over the place and not been able to get online long enough to putz around on my blog. johnny and i have moved into an apartment downtown savannah with my bff Kim and my cousin Suejin, who is now 7 months preggers. Johnny's dad was moved to a nursing home after being released (more like expelled) from the hospital and he is doing good so far. of course, in the midst of all that, johnny's poor mom cracked a rib and was down for the count herself. well, whatever - johnny has so much drama in his life right now he needs to start his own damn blog, i can't keep up for the both of us. my drama is finally starting to wind down a bit - i feel much better now that we are moved into our own place (i don't want to sound unappreciative but jimmy's house was driving me nuts) and away from my mom. not that i don't love her but the woman drives me totally nuts and just when i thought nobody else could drive me nuts like her, suejin's mom has come to stay with us for a bit and THAT woman knows how to drive a person nuts. she nags nonstop about everything. and i mean everything - like cooking, cleaning, what to eat, what to wear, who should do what, etc... she cleans everything with rubbing alcohol over and over again. i thought I had OCD, but its nothing compared to suejin's mom.

i know it may seem like a lot on my plate having my pregnant cousin move in with us, but i am looking forward to it. i get along with her great and it's nice having family around. i don't know how i am gonna deal with her mom, though. that's a big rub right there. we've been buying baby stuff like crazy. i get a bunch of baby things from goodwill - i found an awesome old school high chair for the baby and a cute changing table. suejin's mom (Anna is her name) buys everything brand new - which kind of irked me (especially since they have no money) but i guess that's her perogative and not mine. goodwill is my favorite store and i guess it's just not for everyone.

i had thanksgiving with my mom in atlanta and we are planning to have christmas in savannah - just me, johnny, suejin and kim. i am sick and tired of travelling for the holidays to see family. i really dont even like christmas anymore, i just want to relax at home with friends. the dogs are happy, Anna gave them a korean scrub-down and all three of them are cleaner than the day they were born but they get love and attention from everyone so they are quite comfy and happy. we take them to the dog park which they love.

thats all for now, i am eyeball deep in moving boxes to unpack so i need to get started on that. i have pictures to post but for now it'll have to wait.

YAY OBAMA!!

kombucha

have you heard of a drink called kombucha? i just read about it today and i am totally intrigued. it sounds like it might be something i like. bryna introduced me to yerba mate, with cream and sugar, and i love it. i found this website about kombucha and i'm thinking about buying a mother batch. if you have any opinions on it, let me know in the comments. it appears to be getting very popular and can't be any worse than noni juice!

my very first piece of pottery, which i gave to my mom...

being back at dry pond is like having a powerful flashback. i remember spending thanksgiving there with just johnny and my mom and syrus and grilling steak outside in the cold and how incredibly awesome fresh baked french loaf with cream cheese and fig jam is. i remember all the way back when it was a worn down shamble of a house and fixing it up with ricky and a crew of mexican immigrants. i remember meeting my cousin's baby mama at a major family holiday gathering and having to keep my aunt aja from attacking kris's girlfriend from the other side of the dining table. how many countless hours of karaoke sung and korean card games played, fires lit in the fireplaces and meals eaten. i find random things left at dry pond and accumulated into a museum of family crap, like the above pictured pottery, which i made in my very first pottery class. i hate going to dry pond but i also love it. it's just a really emotionally charged place.

feeding time at the koi ponds....

we went up tp hurricane shoals park after collecting crystals so i could dunk my feet in the cold river and it was so relaxing, i had to record the moment. well, it was relaxing to me and my mom, i don't think johnny was very relaxed, he was on his second day of forced nicotine withdrawal (by forced i mean he had no choice of smoking around my mother).

too much to catch up on!

my mom sewing a skirt for me at dry pond

besides the fact that i constantly lose vital components to either my laptop or camera which prevent me from posting and/or uploading pics, i've been so busy lately that i can't even remember all the stuff i wanted to blog about! the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of friends and family and job hunting, apartment hunting, roadtrips and living out of a suitcase. this is literally the first chance i've had to sit down and write. so while my camera is uploading 300 pictures onto my computer, i'll just briefly touch on the highlight of events.

picked crystals on my new green skirt...

i've spent a lot of time with my mom. going to dry pond and her land that has the crystals. we've picked so much crystal that it filled a pickle jar (thanks, johnny!) and 3 strawberry cartons. i'll post pics of that. i've learned a lot of new things about my family, my mom's past, why she did the things she did and it was kind of a breakthrough. for the first time in her life, she apologized to me. she really apologized and admitted things she never could. she's still a stubborn pain in the ass but i understand her now. the woman has had it tough and never got any credit for it either.

bog mint tea, picked fresh from the koi ponds!

i also spent a lot of time with my cousin suejin and it is now a top priority for me to help her and her mom make a better life for themselves. suejin is 6 months pregnant and has absolutely no support - physically, emotionally, or financially. they are teetering on the edge of homelessness and despair and i just can't bear to think that i've been helping everyone but my own cousin my whole life. she and i are so alike, and i can imagine how totally sad and broken i would be in her position. i don't feel sorry for her, i feel frustrated at how things have happened.

my wonderful friend Shai from india is in town for my wedding. Unfortunately, the wedding has been postponed and she flew all the way from Mumbai! luckily, she's not pissed off and we are all so happy to see each other we don't care. I missed her terribly and I don't want her to leave but she's got other places to go, people to see so she'll be gone this friday.

shai finds a broken perfume bottle in her luggage...

shai is so cute!

new relationships

I think that the overall tone of this blog is going to lighten up significantly as the year ends. I know a lot of bad things have happened (and even though I blab about a lot of it here, you don't even know the half of it), but things are still looking up and from experience I know that once you've hit the bottom the only way left is up.

So I'd like to take a much needed moment to reflect on some of the good things that have happened recently. First off, my mom is talking to me again, and I am talking to her. I did not speak with her from the day I told her I was getting married to the day of my uncle's funeral and the moment I saw her sitting by herself and crying at the funeral home, all I could do was hug her and tell her I love her. I think she needed me more than anything. I felt bad about our rift but we didn't even have to mention it, it was like it never happened.

I also re-united with my long lost cousin Suejin. Her and I were estranged because our mothers had a huge fight when we were kids and never spoke to each other again (the silent treatment is a hereditary skill). Suejin and I went out to have coffee and started to re-kindle our relationship. Before our moms fought, we were inseperable. In fact, we even used to dress alike and hold hands all the time. We fought each other like cats and dogs but also knew each other like the back of our hands. She was the closest thing to a sister I had as a kid. We felt like we had been robbed of our relationship so we decided to be close again no matter what our mothers say.

This last one is a little bottersweet because I managed to learn some news things about my family and in the process lost my other cousin Kris. He didn't die, but he turned his back on me and my mom. Normally, this would have hurt me and angered me but there's nothing I can really do to fix it so I'm letting it go. In exchange for that, I understand my mother on a whole new level.

I also made some important self-discoveries that I think came to me by the balancing of karma. I am beginning to believe a little more in the concept of a destiny, and the idea that you are born with one. I think it's an inherent talent and disposition towards something that had to have been manifested by a previous soul and reborn as a new person's destiny. I know it sounds completely nuts but I promise I'm not becoming a fanatic mysticist. It makes perfect sense to me, only because I don't believe in coincidences. I think it's truly a blessing to recieve your destiny because you will feel everything you lacked like confidence when insecure and happiness when sad. It's like finally having peace of mind. Like finding something you cherished but lost long ago. Maybe it's just me hitting a very late puberty. I feel enlightened.

I am also feeling financially enlightened as I am now managing her hotel project and will be compensated. And, Johnny has finally gotten an economic break. I can't wait until the election, as I truly think things are going to get much better.

smooshie has a new nose

I've only been gone for a week and it seems like an eternity. I've come to think that I don't consider Atlanta home anymore. a week is all I can take. The stress level there is beyond high. I can't even imagine how people live there anymore with all the smog, traffic, corruption and panic. My body and mind were screaming "get out of here!" and my ankle flared up along with my insomnia and indigestion. At one startling moment, I realized I was homesick, and I felt sad and insecure. I was drowning in sorrow with all of the rest of the city.

So, I couldn't take it anymore and posted an ad on craigslist in a moment of weakness; despite the obvious stupidity, and searched for a ride to savannah. To my surprise I got a reply the next day from a woman named Maureen telling me she was headed that way and if I could tell her who I was. I hitchhiked on the internet. So I replied back,

Hey Maureen,

I'm Heather, I went to SCAD and my fiance and I live in Beaufort (which is only 30 mins from SAV). I'm stuck in Atlanta with my parents cause I had to go to a funeral and they were supposed to bring me back to Savannah this weekend but then they had other plans they forgot they already made. I don't want to wait until next weekend so I thought I'd try to find someone heading my way. I can literally be dropped off anywhere in Savannah, I have friends and family all over the place. I just don't want them to waste gas coming to get me cause gas is so freakin expensive. I was hoping to get a ride with a female driver cause ya know.. parents would freak out if i told them i was hitching a ride with a strange man...not to mention fiance would probably not like that! Soooo glad you're a girl... or are you a guy with a girl's name? I'm betting you're a girl. Anyways, I'm not psycho, don't smoke, don't care if you do, and will listen to whatever you want to listen to as long as it isn't gospel music. I'm scad alum (masters in architecture) so I'm not some crazy college kid with pink hair and piercings everywhere. Pretty normal, relatively.

my cell phone # is ******** and I'm staying in Doraville, right by spaghetti junction. I can be up and ready at 7 am and I can even take turns driving if you want. Let me know what you decide and I will go ahead and tell my parents peace out!

So now we are friends on facebook. Maureen turned out to be a really cool chick with two beautiful kids, a 3 year old boy named Reed (a.k.a. Diego) and a 8 year old girl named Ridley. I watched cartoons and movies on the DVD player in the car with the kids and talked about homebirthing with Maureen (she did solo homebirths for her brood). It was actually a really pleasant drive and we enjoyed each other's company. Her kids were "in showbizness" cause they were going to savannah to be in a SCAD thesis film. The little boy was really happy go lucky and bright as a star. He liked to watch the cartoon Diego (like Dora the explorer, fyi) in spanish. The little girl was a bit ornary at being awakened on a saturday morning at 6 am to take a 4 hour car ride. Before even leaving atlanta she was asking if we were there yet. But she was adorable and sweet, too. She would touch the back of my elbow with her big toe from the backseat.

The whole thing just made my desire to have kids flare up and we even talked about that. Her advice was to "just do it". heh. alot easier to say than do. Anyways, we had lunch at sentient bean coffeeshop at forsyth park and then went our separate ways. I'll miss my 4 hour friend.

But once I got into the car with johnny, I felt 100% better. I realized that I felt more at home in savannah and beaufort than I did in atlanta, and how weird that was because I used to hate savannah. When we got home, the dogs were naturally really happy to see me and I got kisses all around. I noticed smooshie was not in the horde of dogs attacking me, so I called out for him and I heard him start his happy whining and crash through the doggie door, nails all slipping on the linoleum. I guess he was outside, but once he realized who was standing before him, he became frantic to find a toy to pick up and offer to me (he always greets bearing gifts). It was the best feeling in the world. I noticed immediatey that his nose had changed to a light pink color.

When I find my damn camera cord, I'll be uploading a ton of new pictures.

it's fall

one of very few pictures of my halmonee (grandma)

it's been a crazy month. i lost a family member and sort of gained one at the same time. i'm working on it, anyways. my mom and i are talking again and i realized that my mom is capable of apologizing and i am capable of forgivness and we both owe it to each other. because she's my mom and i'm her daughter and even if i get a blood transfusion i'll still be her kid. and to my surprise there's a lot more about our family left for me to learn. i guess every family has their skeletons in the closet but it just seems like mine has way too many. how do they manage to rack up so many skeletons?

it's still surreal to think my uncle hans is dead. it seems like he's still at his shop, doing acupuncture. it's like it didn't really happen. but then the image of him in his casket flashes in my head and i remember how i'll never hear his voice again. he had a strong voice, and a hearty laugh. him and my mother look most like my grandma who died when i was little because of a drunk driver.

in the end, it was alcohol that killed my uncle. it's alcohol that ruined my family. i had no idea how evil and destructive alcohol could be. i'm glad that i'm not into alcohol and that my mother isn't either. it's crazy how dangerous alcohol is but yet it's legal and how marijuana is harmless and illegal. i wonder if my uncle had used pot instead of alcohol he might still be alive today.

but anyways, i'm OK. i'm still a little numb but i'm going to be alright. i know that my uncle and my grandmother have been recycled into a new life and i'm sure it will be a happy one. i imagine their energies floating in the sky and their memories remaining deep within them.

unbelievable loss...

my uncle Hans passed away monday morning. he was 57 years old. he had a massive heart attack and died instantly. he leaves behind two grown sons, a wife and a young grandson. He was a very strong-willed man with a good heart and deep love for his family. he went on a journey of self-discovery and travelled to china to learn chinese medicine. he came back to the U.S. in late 90's to practice acupuncture and herbalism. he has given acupuncture treatments to just about everyone in the family (including me and johnny).

uncle hans loved the children in our family so intensely. when i was little he used to pinch my cheeks and nibble on my nose and just squeeze me hard. he had such an exuberant laugh and a bright smile. he was a humble man, with personal turmoils that he struggled with but never troubled anyone else with.

uncle hans never stopped trying to improve himself. he practiced calligraphy and studied medicine in his spare time. he had a small acupuncture practice and helped run a dollar store with his wife.

i regret that i didn't spend more time with my uncle. we used to have family gatherings around the holidays and the favorite thing to do was sing karaoke. uncle hans was the only boy among his siblings and the only one to pass on the family name to his sons.

i'll miss uncle hans very much. he was the man of the family and always available to help. i'll miss him.

there... and back again.

we were gonna move. but at the last minute, we decided it wasn't the right time. so we just visited beaufort - again. and for just a week, but it feels like longer. it's hard to get on the internet out there! by now, the dogs are used to driving for hours, eating meals in the car, playing at rest stops and staying at their cousin's house. it's like a traumatic childhood, huh?

we are still moving, though. we just needed more time to see how things played out. living day-to-day. it's hard to make decisions when you have so many options but so very little resources. it's like the toughest game of chess you ever played - with your future at stake. what's ironic is that i feel more in my element now than i did when things were stable. i'm used to moving around, temporary living arrangements and traveling. it makes me wonder if i am even well-suited to the american dream lifestyle of living in a house with a new car, 2 kids and a dog. i think i might have been a nomadic mongoloid in a past life. i dont mind the idea of living in a yurt and living off the land actually. ok, snap back to reality.

we are also still getting married. neither one of us has chickened out yet, so that must mean something! Except now we have to pay for everything ourselves and the theme of my wedding went from beach to bohemian over the course of the last couple weeks. i found a dress to wear for $49 from a store in the mall. i'm going to keep it a surprise from johnny but i can tell you that it's a cute dress. not a wedding dress in the slightest, though. kim was dissappointed - she wants there to be more lace and silk and ruffles. she wants shoe-dress-hair coordination going on and i don't even plan on bothering with shoes. like i said before, i just want my guests to be there, food and drink, and someplace for us to sleep (even if it's under the stars in the sand). i'm pretty excited, i think it's going to be the best day of my life.

johnny's dad is doing much better. he's got his own room on the 7th floor and he can talk. maybe he'll be well enough to come to the wedding, but i'm not going to count on it. i'm just happy he's still with us.

moving

johnny and i are getting ready to move down to beaufort by september 1. we've packed up most of the house and now we are just waiting to find someone to rent our house and get a job. the job market right now is terrible, we have put in countless applications for all kinds of jobs and nothing. we really want to have our own business but can't find a bank that will accept our souls for a few grand. we are just going to have to ride out this economy and trim down our lifestyle to the bare minimum. we'll have most of our stuff in storage and live out of a few suitcases while we stay in beaufort.

i plan to help out johnny's family as much as i can and try to make a few bucks wherever possible. i'm going to put my energy into cooking nutritious meals and keeping everyone as healthy as possible. i'm going to be pinching pennies everywhere and keeping my ear to the ground for any opportunity that may present itself.

the bad news just keeps rollin' in, though. johnny's dad finally lost his leg to the staph infection. the poor guy was on vancomycin for weeks in the hospital but his left foot did not improve. to keep the infection from spreading, they amputated his leg below the knee. just when we thought he was improving, he's actually taken a turn for the worst and now all we can do is hope and pray. i know he's not my dad, he's not even my father-in-law yet, but i consider him family and i care about his well being a great deal. i don't know if i can ever forget the time we spent visiting him in the hospital, most of which he was sedated for. the last couple of days we were in savannah his dad finally awoke and was aware of the people around him. he couldn't speak with all the tubes, not to mention his weakened state, but he tried to communicate with us with great effort. it was kind of heartbreaking to see him trying to tell you something but not being able to understand him at all. his eyes would plead but his mouth could not form the words.

he was parched and begged us for water but we could not give him any for fear of pneumonia. we were able to swab the inside of his mouth a little bit and he had some relief. it was kind of funny because he would moan "aaahhhhh" "ahhhhh" cause it felt so good to have a cool damp cloth wiped over his face and inside his mouth. we were all dressed in gowns with gloves and masks and took turns talking to him and tending to him. then, he looked at me intently and said something which sounded like "ooo betty" over and over... i finally figured out what he was trying to say - it was "your pretty". i tried to keep tears from rolling down my cheeks because i couldn't believe he would spend his energy trying to tell me something like that. he was saying it like it was imperative that he tell me i was pretty. or maybe it was the antibiotics talking... anyways, i'll never forget that.

then, not too long ago, i found out from my real dad that things weren't going so good for him either. he had gone out of business. nobody was going on vacation it seemed so his timeshare and travel/vacation business went under. i had called to ask him for money to help pay for the wedding. how awful did i feel?

to me, this is like the depression. it's the time of my life where i will look back and be thankful for the things that i did have. it's a period of time where you have to find inner strength and courage. and it's only a period of time, not a lifetime. i know there are many people who suffer worse conditions, worse tragedies, and nobody to turn to. i am so very thankful to have friends and family there for me.

gettin' hitched - plan A

smooshie's first outdoor sleepover. he's scared witless. 03/10/05

our wedding is coming up real fast, and even though we've got so much crap going on in our lives, i am not stressin' my wedding day plans at all. the only thing i'm concerned with is getting the beachhouse paid for and making sure everyone has food to eat. that's it. i don't give a flyin' shit about anything else. i don't care what people wear, what i'm gonna wear, what colors we are going to decorate with or anything like that. mother nature is going to provide the lighting, the venue and there's no way i can top that with some silly streamers.

we decided to have our wedding on Hunting Island for many reasons - first of all, we love that place. it has a lot of good memories for us, going to the beach and camping out. i'll never forget the time i took shai and jess and syrus (he was our only dog back then) camping out there with johnny. we drove all the way to the campsite and got there just in time to use the last hour of sunlight to set up camp. we got everything out and was trying to quickly put the tent together only to realize that someone forgot to pack the damn tent supports. johnny had to drive all the way back into town to buy us a new tent at wal-mart. meanwhile, shai, jess and i built a campfire and waited in the near-dark. syrus was so scared out of his wits (he had never spent the night outside before) he wouldn't leave the circle of light thrown by our campfire. nearly caught his tail on fire. it was hilarious. we cooked sausages on the fire and syrus toughened up a little bit to protect the sausages.

Hunting Island is also really close to johnny's family. they all live in beaufort which is a short drive from the island. savannah is only an hour away so a lot of my friends from college can come to the wedding. Hunting Island is also the most beautiful place on the east coast, in my opinion.

there won't be very many people at the wedding, mostly close friends and family. i don't expect much more than 40 people to show up. my sis and her kids will be there. hopefully shai will be there (she's coming from india!). of course, kim's gonna be there. most of johnny's family will be there, too. my real father will be there as well.



i rented out a pavilion right next to the beautiful light house. it's a small pavilion and i'm only going to decorate it with some twinkling lights in the rafters. i'm going to serve normal food, not lttle puff pastries filled with foi gras or some shit like that. we'll have carolina bbq and maybe some pita pit food :) if all goes well, we might even have live music provided by johnny's nephew david. he plays drums. the pavilion is just steps away from the beach, where we will have our ceremony. we don't have a pastor or reverend or anything like that. our good friends vanessa and andrew will be marrying us, and i can't think of anything better than that.

these are the days of our lives....

sometimes my life feels like a soap opera. my mom is definitely a soap opera character. she's very proud, commanding, manipulative, and sometimes just plain crazy. one day she's happy, sweet, and fun to be around. the next day she's stabbing you in the back with an ice pick and watching while you beg for mercy. my stepfather, on the other hand, is her complete opposite. he's very meek and kind of simple-minded. he wouldn't dare talk back to my mom. naturally, she walks all over him. she's got him by the balls and he's pretty much her slave. at any given time of the year, family members from my mom's side of the family are quarelling. right now, my uncle and youngest aunt are not speaking to my mother. neither am i. my sister managed to escape the drama that is our family and moved to texas.

i wont air all our family's dirty laundry, not because i care but because it's just too much shit to write down. let's just say we got some serious history. especially me and my mom. our relationship is, to say the least, contentious.

we have had knock-down drag out fights in public places, screaming matches during family gatherings, and serious amounts of time not talking to each other. the funny thing is, out of all the people in our family, my mother and i are the closest. only because i'm the only person who has been able to put up with her shit and defend myself. it's really sad because i'm sure that we aren't really as close as a normal mother and daughter.

regardless of all the stuff that has happened between us, i always end up coming back to my mom. it's a very masochistic habit that i totally recognize but can't break. she's my mother. i kinda hoped that she would love me unconditionally and be there for me when i needed her. unfortunately, those are the last two things my mother does - love unconditionally and be there for me. whenever i got into trouble, i had to turn to everyone else but my mom. she would never help me out of any situation or sympathize with me. her advice to me was always tough it out.

well, i believe that we have finally reached the last straw.

when i told my mom that johnny and i were going to get married this october, she was not happy at all. she told me she was disappointed in me. that we would never get anywhere together and our future is not going to be happy. i wasn't prepared for this reaction, so i couldn't really say anything. i couldn't believe what i was hearing. but it all makes sense. me marrying johnny just doesn't fit into her grand scheme of things. she wants me to get licensed, start a firm and basically be her in-house architect. kinda like she has her own personal assistant and aesthetician and lawyer and doctor. she knows that if i marry johnny, i might just decide to get pregnant and have a family and ditch my career. well, she's absolutely right.

what she said to me hurt me pretty bad. it felt like a cold knife in the heart. i expected her to take over my wedding planning but now she might not even attend our wedding. i am pretty sad that she's taking this route, but in a way i should have expected it. she did this to my sister. i almost forgot how hard she tried to get paula to leave bobby. i forgot how hard it was for paula to tell mom that she was pregnant again. why does our mom have to be like that? paula is happily married with two beautiful kids. i'm pretty sure i will be, too.

so, johnny and i decided that we want to be happy and surround ourselves with family and friends we love. there's nothing keeping us in atlanta. we are coastal small town folk. we like our funky smelling air and sand in everything. we like south carolina barbeque and big open skies. we are moving back to the coast - savannah. we'll be close to beaufort and it's a place where i would like to have kids. our dogs love the beach and so do we.

our wedding is october 18, 2008 on hunting island beach. it's going to be a very small wedding.

what is love? baby don't hurt me...

it's especially hard right now to be optimistic, have motivation, or be certain of anything. when times get tough i only have to look at my goofy dogs or my sweet soon-to-be hubby and i feel a million times better. i know i have to be strong for them and i know they are there for me. that's the kind of love i would rather have than copious amounts of money or fame or hot men chasing after me. this is the fundamental difference between my mother and i. she looks at life as if it were a chess game, each move carefully strategized in a campaign to win (or in her case, rule the world). it's such a painfully archaic way of thinking that i don't feel mad at her so much as sorry for her. she obviously has always felt it necessary to outthink her opponents, to live life with the sole intention of success; never able to just let things happen naturally. she fights the very concept of time and aging. to me, it's a losing battle. it's a waste of precious time you could spend being happy and loved.

my mom truly believes that a successful career and an elitist, white collar husband is the only path to happiness for me. what i've always tried to explain to her is that i'd rather live in a tent with my 3 dogs and the love of my life than live in a mansion with some stranger i despise.

i don't blame her for wanting me to be secure but what is security? what is insecurity? i've been poor, i've been rich. i've been completely alone and i've been surrounded. none of those things lasted very long but one thing constant: johnny. to me, that's security.

i feel bad for my mom but i think that's all part of her strategy, too. i've spent so much time trying to make her proud, make her happy and no time working on my own pride and happiness. i can truthfully say that everything i have done has been for her and yet i still can't bring myself to leave her to make my own life. i don't need her approval and i don't need her support. so, even though it's going to hurt both of us, i have to go. i can't live my life with my mom in it, unfortunately. god knows i have tried.

to be continued...

ugh. life's a beeotch.

since i don't want to sound like a big pity party wagon, i'm gonna just let it out. johnny lost his new job because he had to leave in the middle of training to see his father in the hospital. they basically told him not to come back, which was quite frankly, an insult and a big blow to us. we are both still unemployed and johnny is dealing with so much crap right now it's hard to handle when stuff like this happens. it's hard to know how to react, what to think... then, news of our wedding got leaked to the korean community (i can't believe kiera has broken the sacred oath of the pinky swear....) and my mom's aesthetician (yes, she rolls like that) called to inform me of potential shit hitting fan. she said now everyone wants to come to my wedding and keep asking questions about it. i had no choice but to call my mom and tell her about it before she found out from the korean newspaper. her reaction was not exactly what i was expecting. i was expecting her to take over the planning but instead she said she was very disappointed in my decision since we were both unemployed and we have no security. she mentioned several times that this was a mistake. the conversation just went further and further downhill and finally it was over. needless to say, i'm not happy about the way the conversation went down. i would write more but i have very limited access to the internet so i gotta go. yeah, it sucks. but things will get better, and i have optimism.

was it all meant to be?

it's been an eventful week for us. johnny received news from his family in beaufort that his father is not faring so well after his triple bypass and leaky valve repair. so, johnny made the somewhat difficult decision to leave new york in the middle of his training to see his dad at the hospital in savannah. he arrived in atlanta late friday night (which is a whole 'nother story in and of itself...) and we drove to savannah saturday morning with all three dogs and a well-packed suitcase. i dropped johnny off at st.joeseph's and met up with my bff kim. we hung out a bit, went to the pita pit with the dogs (they get lots of attention cause they are so damn cute) and then i drove back to beaufort where johnny was waiting for me at his parent's house.

i have travelled so much between savannah, beaufort, and atlanta that all three places feel like home. i am equally happy to arrive to each place. in any case, stepping into johnny's parent's house is like stepping back in time about 20 years. the house is small and modest - but it just feels like a family lives there. there are old pictures all over the walls, all kind of figurines and paintings of the beach... i've never spent the night at their house before - mainly because johnny's old house is right around the corner and we always stayed there - but this time we left the dogs with jimmy and stayed in johnny's dad's bedroom. this is quite possibly the scariest bedroom i have ever been in. everywhere you look is either a picture of jesus, virgin mary, crosses, and angels. he has a big wooden plaque with the last supper on it and an even bigger velvet painting (yes - from the 60's) of jesus kneeling in prayer. they have little decorative bowls next to each door that keeps holy water in it! the bed was hard as a rock and much smaller than johnny and i are used to. i can only describe the first night there as - provocative (don't do that! jesus is watching).

we visited savannah again the next day and this time i saw johnny's dad. it's hard to see someone you know hooked up to all those machines and totally unconscious. we ended up staying there most of the day, hanging out at the hospital or the hotel across the street where johnny's mom rented a room for the night. so much has happened it's hard to write it all down now, especially since i am on a computer that is from the 90's. i have taken pictures while we are here, but i have to wait until i get home to upload those. so until then, all i can say is that johnny's dad is in stable, yet critical, condition. he is fighting off a bad case of pneumonia and a nasty staph infection but his heart is getting stronger and his color looks better. there is a lot of support down here for the family (remind me to tell you about 100% roman catholic tshirts later) so we are being optimistic. we also told his family of our plans to get married in october. almost everyone but my mother knows about our wedding now. i think the entire town of beaufort knows at this point. i don't plan on telling my mom because she would completely take over my wedding and i would be powerless to stop her. this way we can plan our wedding in peace. she's going to be pissed but oh fucking well. i don't care. she's going to korea the day after the wedding so she might not even be able to make it anyways. so yeah, lots of stuff goin on - i will fill in more details later....

home alone

johnny left on sunday for new york. he got a new job as the regional sales manager for a big printing company and they sent him to new york to take a training class. so, we bought him some new clothes, new shoes, new glasses, and a new laptop messenger bag. he's all white collar now. i'm really happy for him and wish him the best. he deserves it. unfortunately, his father has fallen ill and needed to have a triple bypass on monday - just days after we left them in beaufort. i can imagine the pressure johnny must feel right now, but there is little i can do to ease it for him, he's totally on his own in new york. meanwhile, i'm here at the house, taking care of the animals and trying not to get sucked into the couch. it's really weird how lazy i can get with a man around the house who does most of the daily cleaning. it's a good lesson for me.

the weather here is so stifling hot with nothing but a moist hot breeze occasionally. it's been stormy all week, but very little rain. the dogs are completely bored out of their minds and louie has regressed into his puppy teething habit, so i took them to the lake today. with my banging headache, it wasn't all that fun (for me, anyways). in general, life's a little boring and dismal right now. i miss my friends terribly and even though i don't really miss johnny yet (he's only been gone for 3 days, afterall) i know i will really start missing him soon.

to top things off, i am stuck in this twilight zone of a city with nobody to talk to but my mother. horror of horrors. this woman tortures me. i sucessfully ignored her for 3 days but had no choice but to answer her call yesterday evening. any longer and she would have likely barged her way into my house when i least expect it. i wish i had some kind of alarm that notified me as soon as she entered the neighborhood. something that sounds like a submarine alarm so i can't sleep through it.

so the funny thing is, when i answered the phone she laughed because she thought i might have been mad at her. oh, haha haha haha.... ya think? you brutalized my chickens, you insane woman. of course i'm mad at you. she told me she was glad i wasn't mad at her, and that i shouldn't throw such a fit like that. did i get a word in edgewise? no. i just had to bite my tongue as usual. she has fallen in love with her new charity case - she likes to pick up strays and call them her "friends" while she finds some profitable way to take advantage of them while they thank her all the while. it makes me sick. she thinks its so admirable and endearing that this woman hates being a lawyer so she runs her own locksmithing business. well, what about me? i hate architecture and wanted to start my own business, but did she find that endearing? hell no! she insists that i can't stop being an architect - not because it's my calling, but because she has plans for her own future business dealings. why do i even care what she thinks? oh, trust me - i stopped caring the moment i graduated from college. i just thought it would make life a little easier if we could just get along. if SHE could just stop trying to take over the world and be normal. oh yes, i forgot - that's all part of her charm, being totally nuts is cute these days.

as you can see, me being alone in the same city as my mom without a buffer is a potentially explosive situation. the last time that happened, i think we disowned each other at the marta station. my stepfather is not an ideal buffer, he's more of a bollard. hopefully, everything will be ok by the time johnny gets back. but it's only been 4 days and he's gone for 2 1/2 weeks. someone may just go completely batshit and it's anybody's guess who it will be this time.

warning: graphic content.

the past few days have been a little emotionally charged for me. it could be my hormones or a chemical imbalance in my brain, but i feel like things haven't been handled quite properly. my mom is just about the only person on this earth who can piss me off more than even i could imagine. i swear i deserve a freaking medal for putting up with her all the time. my sister SO OWES me for this shit cause when it comes time to take care of mom, i plan on being busy raising my own kids. whew- i feel better now. ok, so what could a cute little asian fireball of a woman do to piss me off so bad? well, for starters she likes to kill my chickens. and if you fuck with my chickens, you are fucking with me. (sorry for the profanity, i missed my regularly scheduled therapy appointment and feeling a little bottled up...lol).

anyways, it's not just that she killed my chickens, it's that she ENJOYS it. she relishes the thought of breaking necks and slitting throats. she likes to kill chickens because they are food. and food doesn't deserve dignity. (i swear i'm not crazy). so, i let her kill the first chicken a while ago. i knew that these chickens were fated for the butcher block when i got them, but STILL. Johnny and i did not partake of the first chicken. the second chicken she killed earlier this week, once again with my permission, and this time somewhat more humanely. i watched the whole process of de-feathering and gutting a chicken and assisted with a hose and pail. it was not the easiest thing to watch but i had to. i need to know how to do all that cause hello! i raised these chickens for meat (and eggs). the dogs were entranced with the whole show and i just tried to keep from tossing my cookies. we made a fabulous curry chicken stew over brown rice but i had a very hard time eating it. i only took a small piece of chicken and had to think of other things in order to chew and swallow the meat.

i was glad when that whole thing was over. i ate one of my chickens and i have mixed feelings about it. i know it's normal - we eat chickens. i like chicken, for the most part. we gave them a good life and they died for a purpose. i still felt a bit of guilt and decided to thank the universe for the chicken's sacrifice to us. (still not crazy). so, how did this all piss me off? well, i guess my mother took this and the notice from the code enforcement that it was time to become ruthless chicken handlers and, along with johnny as co-conspirator, tormented my remaining chickens by shoving them roughly and without regard into the small cage for transport. they were squacking and screaming, feathers flying everywhere, the dogs hysterical, and nobody was listening to me. nobody heard me, or otherwise ignored my requests, to be nice to my chickens. i didn't want to traumatize them during this stressful time. I wanted to be able to peacefully put them in the cage and load them in the car and take them over to my mom's. instead, my mom went into a determined terminator-like mode to grab and fling fowl around. johnny, of all people, actually grabbed a rooster by his neck to try and shove him into the cage. my only demand was that they put the cage into the coop and try to coax the chickens inside, using feed as incentive. but NO - don't listen to the crazy, emotional, know-nothing-about-chickens, silly girl. surely i had nothing of value to add to the whole operation. then it became hostile and i lost my cool.

they weren't listening to me, the chickens were frightened out of their minds, and not a single damn chicken was in the cage. finally, my mom took the cage and went inside the coop to grab the chickens and stuff them in. which is excactly what i wanted to do in the first place - put the cage inside the coop and let the chickens go into the cage on their own. WHY wouldn't that work? now, she was essentially doing the same thing - only with a more mean and hostile twist to it. i was very mad and frustrated and broken hearted. not only for my chickens but for that fact that they didn't give a shit that it meant a lot to me to be gentle with my little flock.

i'm sure people may think i'm totally crazy and stupid. chickens are food, why be gentle? why care about their well-being when they are going to be eaten? to me, it just seems to be the right thing to do to treat a chicken with care and respect. you are going to take it's life to sustain your own, it deserves to live and die with a little dignity, don't ya think?

if you want to hear johnny's side of the story, you'll have to hope that he comments to this post.

bittersweet vacation

it's been really quiet around my blog lately and that's because a lot has happened. our dear friends have packed up and moved back to the west coast. we've been spending every spare moment hanging out with them and their baby. they wanted to see the sunrise over the atlantic and visit savannah before leaving the east coast. so we all drove down to savannah and beaufort, which is only 40 minutes from savannah. johnny and i brought all of our dogs with us and stayed at his old house in beaufort. as soon as we got into town around 7 pm, we went straight to the beach to let the dogs run around. our friends arrived much later, and stayed in a motel near us. at 5 am the next morning we all drove to the beach (only 2 miles from motel) and watched the sun rise. we collected shells and shark's teeth and did a little bit of yoga. it was nice, and we enjoyed each other's company.

we then drove to savannah and spent the entire day walking around forsyth park and hanging out with my best buddy, kim. they got to see all the big old oak trees with moss hanging, had a light lunch at the coffee house sentient bean and hung out with some interesting roommates that i didn't know kim had. it was a blast. we had a lot of fun but at the same time it was a little sad. we made some really great last minute memories and i'll cherish them. we then walked around city market and had some of the best gelato ever. they had a fig and ricotta flavor that was to die for. i bought myself an art print of a painting called "the invitation" by grant nelson who does really beautiful tesselated paintings. i've wanted one for a long time...

last, we had sushi dinner at our old favorite japanese restaurant on broughton st. called sakura. we had excellent meals and good service (our waitstaff was hot!). then we drove back to beaufort and said goodbye to our friends who were leaving early in the morning. i really really miss them. they are such awesome people.

i spent the next day hanging out with my homefry kim, who i haven't hung out with in a while. i realized how much i missed her, too. johnny fixed her car (he's always got work to do with me around!) and at the same time recieved some really good news! he is now gainfully employed and landed the competitive position of regional sales manager for a multinational printing franchise. it's a great job with excellent benefits but he'll be travelling all over the southeast and has to go to new york on the 28th for 2 1/2 weeks! he's all professional businessman now, so we have to go out and get him some new clothes and travel stuff. i am so proud and happy for him! i'm going to miss him when he goes to new york, but we plan to spend the time apart to concentrate on improving our health by sticking to a strict regimen of diet and exercise. i want to lose as much weight as possible for when he gets back.

so yeah, i'm cramming in 2 weeks worth of blogging in one day but hey, it's better than nothing! i have tons more pictures but i still have to upload them. i'll come back and insert pictures as i get them, so come back again in a few days. glad to be home, excited for what's coming next and can't wait to see my friends again :)

princess pei pei

sweet pink baby toes and soft juicy baby cheeks. om nom nom nom... i stocked up on nibbling the baby the last few days before her family packed up the vw and drove across the country back to the west coast. penelope has grown into a happy chubby little baby that you just want to squeeze and nibble all over. she has the cutest toothless grin that lights up her face and makes her cute little dimples show. it takes incredible self-constraint not to just grab the baby and lick her from head to toe like a mama cat. everyone took about a million pictures of this baby in the last couple of weeks and now i just have to show them off. my friend kim is a total paparazzi and took some awesome pictures that she IS going to upload soon. it's sad but exciting to think that the next time i see princess pei pei she will be so much bigger. this kid is so loved and is going to have such a wonderful life. she got to see the sunrise on the east coast with us. it was a beautiful morning on the beach in beaufort and we found all kinds of sharks teeth. the very first tooth i found was an inch long! i should have taken a picture but i gave it to penelope because she needs a bad ass shark's tooth necklace to go with her spear. i'm going to miss her!