thinking about my resolution

i think its very important for me to think carefully about my life and my future and make some resolutions towards my goals. maybe it's quiet around me to help with clarity so i should take advantage of it, right? for this week, i have very little i can do other than think. and plan. so for the next few days leading up to new year's, i will be contemplating the following areas of interest:

my physical health
my career
my future husband
my potential children
my geographical location(s)
my preferred lifestyle
my financial health

i feel like its very selfish to think all about me but i know i owe it to myself. i owe it to my family as well. i always have plans and goals but this time i really have to make some monumental changes and decisions towards my goals. i really can't afford to become distracted anymore. so, hopefully this week i will have the mental clarity and the willpower to make my resolutions come true.

not a very merry xmas

this year with all the crap that's going on, all the pressure we are under, all the stress we deal with everyday, johnny and i decided not to have christmas. beside the fact that we have zero money to spend on gifts or anything, we just wanted to be left the hell alone. even still johnny drove to beaufort to have xmas with his family just to make an appearance. i treated it just like any other day pretty much. i cooked and cleaned like i always do. but i didn't mind cause all the food came out great and the one guest we had over - emily, kim's old roomie - really enjoyed herself. so i guess i can honestly describe our christmas as laid back.

but it's pretty much safe to say i hate christmas. i am now officially the grinch. actually, i never really liked christmas that much as a kid, either. i hardly ever got what i wanted so i didn't bother making a list. when i got older i started getting some things i really wanted - mostly electronic gadgets from my mom (who i suspect was trying to make up for something). but more than anything i hated how people act around the holidays. it seems like people are either greedy, depressed, jealous, anxious, prideful, and self absorbed. i can't exactl exclude myself from those adjectives but i knew christmas was not a very good holiday. it seemed to bring out a lot of bad in people.

and it also stands to reason that since i don't believe in christ, i shouldn't be celebrating christmas. so i don't think i will celebrate christmas anymore. at least, not in it's modern "traditional" sense. yea, i like to decorate with christmas-y things. i like to bake cookies and make snowmen (theoretical snowmen, anyways), i like the general feel of christmas. but i hate the travelling, the obligation, the anxiety over gifts and family. so i'll take what i like and leave the rest.

what about our kids? are we robbing them of a happy childhood? if you really think your kids need christmas to have a happy childhood then you aren't doing a very good job. i think our kids will be very happy, and we will more than compensate for not brainwashing our children into thinking a fat man is going to give them presents. (no offense to fat men...)

so yeah. poo on christmas.

but we actually had a good time. i even got to make experimental peanut butter & jelly samosas.

it's gonna be a little quieter

so, a lot has happened in the past week. but i choose to view all of them as good things, despite what it may sound like. you know that saying, all things happen for a reason? well, i believe it. i, of all people, need lots of good reasons for everything. which is why it's OK that i no longer have a job. yes, i lost it - which makes me the fourth adult living in this house that has become unemployed within the last four months. we are a bunch of very intelligent, highly capable and qualified people without any jobs. i can't quite blame all of this on the economy, but it definitely played a part. so, where's the silver lining? well, we had to make a silver lining ourselves. johnny and i decided to put 110% of our effort into starting the business we have been thinking about for a while now. we have been brainstorming like crazy and made some moves in the past few days to get the ball rolling. and we are very excited. scared, but excited. is it completely insane to start a new business right now? or is it a smart move? will we be able to get financing or are banks scared to loan money to anyone right now? we shall see what the next couple of weeks holds for us, but we'll either make the business float or we'll be desperately searching for a new job. the stakes are pretty high but i'm willing to bet on us. if you're curious about what kind of business it may be, i'll give you a hint - it has to do with printed media :) wish us luck!

new book idea

you know it's really a sad shame that most of the ideas i have become forgotten because i was too lazy to write it down, or i thought it was a ridiculous idea so i just mentally tossed it away (cause, you know, there's only so much room left inside my head...) but i think i need to vow never to lose an idea, no matter how ridiculous, again. and so here's my next idea; and i'm only sharing this cause i seriously doubt this idea will come to fruition. i really think there needs to be a comprehensive and totally practical book on bamboo. BAMBOO is the world's greatest plant. it is truly the most versatile vegetation that mother nature has gifted to us. i am by no means an expert, but i have seen a fair share of bamboo use in my lifetime and although my mind is feeble after work, i shall attempt to list as many uses as i possibly can. because i love bamboo.

well, first of all - it is totaly sustainable. it will grow and grow and grow some more. you almost can't stop it. i can't imagine how we could possibly run out of bamboo. (unlike oil).

it is fabulously green. i mean the color, not the pop buzzword of today. bamboo has so many beautiful shades of green - and it's all in your face, too! most other trees you see the bark then the branches, then the leaves - but bamboo is just a wall of emerald green BAM! right in your face. you don't have to look up to see the color. it's not just green, though. it's also a beautiful ochre-y shade of yellow, deep, almost black, greens, purple-y green, blue-y green, etc. i haven't seen a red bamboo, but i wouldn't doubt it if there is one.

bamboo grows redonkulously fast. like a foot a day fast! instant returns!

you can EAT bamboo! and it is delicious - you can fix it about a million different ways. cook it like you would asparagus, or zuchini. it would be fabulous on pasta, so good stir-fried, i like it plain, too. do not compare this to canned bamboo!! i'm not even sure that stuff is real. fresh bamboo shoots are so delicately crunchy and juicy, with a very fresh and mild flavor.

hello, you can eat it and BUILD with it! bamboo is also really really strong. the way the fibers grow give it superb tensile strength. BUT! the chambers created by the nodes also give it incredible compressive strength as well.

it's hollow! it's really strong AND lightweight! there's no better building material than that! you can make scaffolding a million stories high in about 3 hours with about 100 chinese men. you can build instant bridges, instant shelters, instant anything!

weapons. unfortunately bamboo is also a great weapons material. it's strong and lightweight which means you can swing it really fast and it freakin' hurts!! and you can also make all kinds of torture devices which shall remain nameless....

pandas (and dogs) love to eat it. in fact, i'm sure chickens probably love bamboo, too. it's high in nutrients and also water content. it is a very good source for immediate energy in the form of carbs yet sustains you with it's soluble fiber.

ok, so now about the book. what i'm saying is, why isn't there a practical, hands-on manual to all things bamboo for the average household? all kinds of recipes, ideas, building projects, etc. us asians have been taking advantage of this most resourceful grass for centuries and its uses remain unlimited. i LOVE having bamboo growing in my backyard. i use it for everything, from eating to having a nice privacy screen from my neighbors, to making beautiful trellises for climbing plants (like my peas!) you can make temporary cold frames, gates. fencing, whatever. i truly believe it is an essential for every homesteading family.

you can make flooring, utensils, plates & bowls, cups, hats, purses, rugs, furniture, clothing, paper, linens, freakin' robots, probably; food, shoes, teepees, and the list goes on and on...

chickens are stupid?

sorry no pictures as of right now but i wanted to say more about the chickens, who are nameless still. i daresay chickens are stupid. last night was the second night i had to manually place each chicken into their henhouse. they figured out how to get out of it in the morning but don't remember how to get back in at night. so i had to pick up each one and place them together in their house. which is kind of fun, but a pain in the ass, too. i hope they figure out how to get inside at night soon.

but they have figured out that i am the source of food and fresh hay. when i go up to their pen clucking like a dumbass, they all poke their heads up and watch me coming, instead of running away. and when i open the door they come up to me! this morning they were even trying to eat the feed out of my cup before i could put it down. it's kinda cute. they all crowd around me, peeping.

yesterday i let them out of their pen for a few minutes to see what they would do. they all came out and started scratching and pecking. i had a bamboo stick to herd them if they started flying all over the place but they didn't go far from the pen. i got them back inside with no problems. a couple of my neighbors were walking past my house when i was herding the chickens back into the pen with my bamboo stick. i'm sure they think i am nuts.

did i mention that B bought me a harmonica the other day? it's a cheap plastic translucent pink one, but i love it and wanted one for a while. now, i come home and practice my harmonica on the front porch. i watch my chickens and garden grow. all i need now is a straw hat and some overalls. i wanted to start a bluegrass band that covers 80's pop but i'm having a hard time recruiting a banjo player and fiddler...

news you can use

i realized the other day while driving home from work that not everybody knows what i know. and i just took it for granted that they did. for example: last week my boss took me to one of his vistage meetings to hear a speaker talk about nutrition. vistage is a membership for ceo's who want to better themselves, better their business, etc. anyways, i tried to keep my eye rolling to a minimum because the whole thing was lame. well, lame to me. so the guy blabs on about eating the right proportions and talks about fiber and protein and yada yada yada - like who hasn't heard all of this before? he seriously expected these people to pack a small cooler with protein and veggies everyday and take it everywhere so that you can eat 6 times a day. he's also a bodybuilder. that right there made me tune him out. he is not your average person and therefore knows not what he demands. anyways, he had this HUGE secret to share. he said it would be LIFE CHANGING and that it was actually illegal for him to tell us this. now, this perked me right up cause it sounded fantastic. i was anxiously waiting for him to reveal the mystery of a good looking body. finally, he picks up a small bottle and with a huge grin, pronounces that he has found the ultimate solution. stevia. stevia. i accidentally laughed out loud and then had to play it off. he passed it around so everyone could have a taste and there was much ooohing and aaahing. i was quite disappointed. stevia was his ace in the hole? who the hell doesn't know about stevia? hello? why is it illegal for him to tell us about it? because the sugar industry has literally outlawed the promotion of stevia as a sugar substitue. crazy, huh? anyways, i left the meeting early cause there was nothing else this guy could have said that i didn't already know. i know i sound extremely pompous. but come on, who doesn't know about stevia? in this day and age, there is information everywhere! tips, articles, books, blogs, forums, etc etc. how can any person on any kind of diet/nutrition kick not know about using stevia and eating lots of soluable and insoluable fiber and eating protein only the size of your palm? duh!!

then it occured to me that maybe I'm the one who doesn't realize something. maybe i'm just a freak of nature, that i obsessively research stuff and squirrel away information like a packrat? yes, you only have to look at the files on my computer and the number of bookmarks i have to know this. i have over 3,000 bookmarks. and i don't normally bookmark a single page or article unless it's really good. i bookmark entire websites chock full of information both common knowledge and obscure. i know shit that i have no reason to know. and then an epiphany: would i be doing a good deed by sharing any of this info? i mean, half the blogs on the web are tutorials or how-to videos, lists & tips. i don't want to be regurgitating anything already online - but then maybe the people who read my blog don't know about those websites? maybe they don't have the time or inclination to root through all the crap to find the good stuff?

can ya tell i'm bored at work today?

back to stevia. if you don't know what it is, it's a plant. it is a natural sweetener - which means no weird chemicals, no calorie overload, no insulin rush. it's like 400,000 times sweeter than sugar or something like that. you only need a 1/4 teaspoon of the diltuted stuff to equal a whole tablespoon of sugar. use it for sweetening everything, you can find it with the herbal supplements (it's illegal to promote it as sugar, so it won't be in that section of the store). there's a comapny called sweet leaf that makes a product and you can also find it at trader joe's.

so this morning in my daily perusal of google reader, i come across this very handy article called 20 things you can use twice before throwing away. isn't that handy? check it out.

landscape plan

wow. it worked. i scanned this little sketch on the copier at work and emailed it to myself and it worked! well, in case you have no clue what you are looking at, it is a site plan of my house. you have no idea how may times i have drawn this. at least 20 times. half of the time i draw it in CAD, just to be extra anal. anyways, i decided to take my time and be methodical about how exactly i want my yard to look. this may seem easy, but when you are me, it's not. pretend like there are about 50 pine trees at about 120 feet tall scattered all over the page. that's what my house currently looks like, and if you are seriously considering mowing down each and every one of those pines, you wanna be damn sure that you will be able to live with that decision.

the real site plan has so much stuff on it you won't be able to see what's going on so this is really more of a key plan than an actual site plan. you can see how my house is situated on the site, kind of at a slant to the corner of the two streets. i have a driveway that ends really close to that intersection which is a pain in the ass so i want to build a small turnaround driveway. we are also building a new front porch very soon. the rest of the diagram just shows blocks of the land sectioned in different colors, and this is what i want to discuss.



let's start with the teal green section at the lower left. it is called "lawn" because that is exactly what it is. a very pathetic lawn. now, i don't plan on going leave it to beaver and obsess over having a perfectly green lawn but johnny does need something to call his own so i am letting him have a lawn to mow and fertilize. if it's a success, he'll be happy and i'll be happy. my only rule, no harsh chemicals.

going counter-clockwise to the right, the light blue section is called "bird & butterfly". this is the section that i will truly enjoy building because it is actually for my neighbors. we have a lot of people walk past our house everyday and i want to make a little spot for them to sit and relax if they wish. i am going to have a bench with a birdbath and plenty of bird/butterfly houses. i will plant bird and butterfly attracting plants and it will be pretty and smell nice. even though we have a lot of sucky neighbors, maybe they will lighten up after enjoying this little garden. i also want to put a hammock there....there's all kind of possibilities.

next is the green section called "orchard". here i will plant fruit trees like apple, pear and fig. i would also like to grow some nut trees, too. this orchard will provide food for people and wildlife as well as provide shade and privacy for the house. along the fence i want to grow all kinds of berry bushes to camoflauge the dog's yard, which is highlighted in yellow.

the dog's yard is going to require the most work. johnny thinks he can grow grass out there, which would be ideal. i also plan to build some retaining walls to control the soil erosion and make a doggy obstacle course to keep the dogs entertained outside. if you have any ideas for this, please please please let me know. i am also thinking about having a pond and building a new patio behind the house but that will be last on the list.

last but definitely not least is my most dreamed about chicken coop and vegetable garden. here is the most protected part of the yard, away from traffic and out of sight. this would be the smartest place to keep the chickens in case i have neighbors who hate chickens. no roosters, just hens. they will have space here to roam and hang out in the sun or chill out in the shade. i might build a small fence to keep them safe. below the chickens will be my vegetable garden. this spot gets really good sun and good drainage, but it is highly visible from the street so i must have a decent looking garden. this is where my creativity will have to come into play. i want to have boulders and all kind of plants, not necessarily just vegetables. so, i guess my veggie garden will have more than one purpose. hopefully it will work out!

that's all for now, gotta get back to work!

financial challenge 2008

ok, so i'm spoiled. i get it now. i buy whatever the hell i want whenever the hell i want and it isn't right. i wonder where all my money goes and it's like HELLO!! you went shopping and dropped 3 bills at LB and went on a craft supply hoarding spree!!

my name is heather and i am a shopaholic. i have no savings. i live paycheck to paycheck.

whew. now that my confession is out of the way i can begin my road to financial recovery. i hope. i've had long talks about this with johnny so hopefully he's on board with some of the drastic but necessary financial decisions i have made.

first of all, we spend way way too much money eating at restaurants. partly out of convenience partly out of laziness. neither is acceptable. eating out should be a reward, not a daily exercise. i am still looking for that perfect online meal/grocery planning website and haven't found one yet so i have to come up with my own system - which i did based on previous experiences.

instead of trying to figure out every meal i need to prepare for each day i am going to use this method. the heather method. i will sort a specific number of recipes once a week into the following categories:

• 5 dinners
• 3 lunches
• 2 breakfasts
• 3 snacks
• 2 desserts
• 3 beverages

i won't have any specific meal planned for a specific night but i will only buy the items i need according to the recipes for the above meals per week. and to make this even tougher, i have placed a strict limit of $100.00 per week for groceries. oh shit i accidentally swallowed my gum....dammit. anyways i figure if i can plan out which meals to make every week then we can save some money and use the leftovers for eating out, maybe once a week. i am only planning to make 5 dinners because there will be a couple night per week where we need to eat leftovers or maybe i'm too tired to cook and i can just make some ramen noodles (the souped up korean style, not the top ramen crap).

the next financial step is to figure out how to invest in my roth IRA. i have no clue so i need to research and set up a system that automatically deposits a set amount every month.

i am also trying to cut down on the principle amount of my mortgage so starting february i am going to pay $200.00 above the mortgage amount every month to help cut down the principle. this will in turn cut down on my interest as well. it's a win-win but it's going to be tough.

all of this means NO shopping sprees. if i need a new pair of pants, it has to fall within the budget AFTER i've made the above mentioned payments. the good news is that I will have a couple of credit cards paid off soon so i'll hopefully have more cash.

i'll try to keep myself disciplined and post my failures here for all the world to see.

*update*

i have just taken care of item#2. the roth IRA. in a bold move, i transferred funds from my line of credit to my investment account at fidelity. i bought myself a mutual fund for $2500.00. holy sheet, man. my first real investment. it's got a very aggressive profile so hopefully it will grow fast. i am going to contribute $100 every month this year. maybe next year i can contribute more per month. anyways, i applied this contribution to the 2007 tax year so i can still contribute up to another $4,000 for 2008. now all i have to do is pay down my line of credit!!

the shitstorm....and other stuff

having a house is great. privacy, freedom to do what you want, the ability to really decorate the interior, having a place you can truly call "home". what people may not realize is that there are about a million things that can go wrong with a house and it is up to YOU (or in my case johnny) to fix it - whether you know how to or not. as of right now, we have a leaky roof, no insulation, a scorched front porch, half-finished painting, mildew growing on the exterior, gutters that are detaching from the house, rats living in the basement, a heater that we just recently got to work, a doorbell that went senile and had to be taken out, cracks that you can actually see outside through, about a foot of pinestraw on the roof, a kitchen floor that sags, a bathtub that leaks and will probably fall through the floor soon, and half of the electrical outlets and switches that need replacing and/or a switchplate. and as soon as you get one thing under control another thing breaks down. and i hate it when my stepbrother is the one to break the news. last time we woke up to fire but this time right before bed saturday night he tells us that raw sewage is filling up the basement bathroom.

what do we do? there's nothing except don't flush any more toilets and hope that everything will go away by morning. not so much. first thing sunday morning johnny tackled the sewage problem. poor johnny. he hates to smell stinky things - it makes him gag. i have to admit, having a man around the house sure comes in handy cause i didn't even go downstairs to see the situation. all i know is johnny spent all morning trying to figure out how to fix it. it took a 25' long snake and some serious chemicals to unclog the sewer pipe. i wasn't so happy about the chemicals but it was either that or run the risk of flooding the basement in poopwater.

johnny needs a man of the year award for all the crap he's had to put up with since moving up here. i am very proud of how he handles everything - i mean, i'd be cranky too if i was elbow-deep in poo.

i would have just called a plumber.

in other weekend news, johnny and i went to the west end to help move my mom's office for the hundreth time. that woman does not understand the meaning of portability. her freakin desk was unreasonably heavy. and those damn sun faded burnt orange cruched velvet sectional couches from the 60's - yeah you don't need to see a picture to know how hideous they are - those couches have beeen all over the world and back. we brought them into the space she is using for her dollar store and also to check out our future business space. not happenin'. it's a nice space and would be perfect but she wants us to just use a couple of rooms in the back. hell naw - if we wanted to work in a closet, we can set up shop in our basement. we need a real shop. i was kind of pissed cause this is so typical of my mom. dangle the carrot and right before you chomp it shrinks down to a pea. or you take a bite and realize you have just sold your soul to satan...

so if we are gonna start small with a basement press room then we are gonna stay at home and forget about the govt loan and starting off with a huge 4 color press. we start small. i guess that's how many successfull businesses start, huh?

and last but not least johnny applied to the digital design program at Ai. i am very happy and he's nervous but i think he will be an excellent student. winter quarter begins january 7th. what a great way to start off 2008!

i finally get to open the calendar that inspires me so much - the front of it says "live with intention". i really like that saying.

baby talk

i'm just going to get this one post out of the way while i'm thinking about it and in the mood to write about it. it seems like the past two years the subject of spawning children has been thrown in my face everywhere i go. at work there were at least 3 or 4 women pregnant at all times. i start hearing about so-and-so from college who got married to you-know-who and had kids. then, my good friend V dropped a bombshell recently and announced her pregnancy. so, now i'm starting to feel left behind. but not to the point where i wanna go out and get knocked up immediately, so it's all good. but it's gonna happen - eventually.

this is monumental, folks. i am not a wanna-have-a-baby type of girl. i do not get all mushy over a baby like some women do. yeah, some kids are cute but mostly i just see a drooling little parasite that requires constant upkeep. i seriously prefer dogs. i watch those birth stories on tlc in complete shock and horror, like i've just seen a train wreck. the thought of the birthing process grossed me out completely. but the funny thing is, breaking my ankle changed my view. i'm sure my orthopedic surgeon had no idea how much his words would make a difference to me after he set my leg back into place. PAIN was being redefined as i screamed at the top of my lungs and he pulled and twisted my broken tibia and fibula back into a resemblance of an ankle. it all happened quickly, and he was very efficient but it hurt like hell nonetheless. afterwards he looked at me and said "childbrith will be a breeze for you now". and i thought ... really?

so now i'm not as hypersensitive about the pain of it all and i was able to really do some reasearch about the childbirth process. see, i research the hell out of things when i am worried about it... like death, starting a new business, changing careers, etc... anyways, that on top of my enthusiatically pregger friend V who has slowly transitioned me from a woman who likened giving birth with the horrible scene from Alien when the worm-like thing popped from that guy's stomach to actually planning my future birth. I'm close to a point where getting pregnant might not feel like the end of the world to me. but if i think about it too hard it still kind of freaks me out. but yeah, giving birth is undeniably the most amazing thing that humans can do. too bad it's been all chopped up and prepackaged for many women....

so, about a year or so ago i began a personal diary sort of thing to prepare and guide myself through pregnancy and raising kids. i did this as a failsafe to my admittedly instable personality. i don't ever want to take out my emotions on my kid. i want to make sure that i don't scar my kids for life by saying something i didn't mean to or doing something i didn't realize hurt them. it's actually kind of frightening how much power and influence a parent has over their kid - for example, my mother said to me once when i was really little, like 5 or 6 yrs old - "don't be a selfish pig" in reference to me wanting something (i think it was food). for some reason that line stuck with me for the rest of my life and it influenced me negatively in so many things, both conscious and subconscious. i am sure she didn't realize what she said would do that, but nonetheless it became a part of who i am. it made me insecure, worry about what others would think of me, worried that i really was a selfish pig, worried that nobody would like me because i was so awful. it also made me think i was fat since i was 6. i remember quite clearly sitting in the bathtub and thinking to myself "i am a fat kid" at that age. my mother had no idea. she's a totally different person now, but i don't want to make that same mistake. i think my sister has the same exact idea as i do. everything she does for her kids are an attempt to avoid the damage our mother did to us. in her defense, my mother was tormented in her youth, too. she didn't know any better, and i can forgive her for that. but i could not live with myself if i had that kind of effect on my kids. so i will do everything i can think of in my power to keep myself from unintentionally undermining my kid's self-esteem or confidence. or trust in me.

back to the diary - it's basically a collection of tips and advice i have found in various places - some of my own thoughts about how i want to raise my kids. rules, mission statements, guidelines, and of course the list of baby names i like. who deosn't have that? occasionally johnny and i will throw around some names we like and recently i actually made up a name that we both liked - mavelyn. it is actually fun to dream about having kids - i think maybe more fun than actually going through it. i have random thoughts throughout the day and a really bad memory so i have to keep a running file on my computer at work to jot down stuff i want to read later when the time comes. well, that's not such a secure way to store such information so i've been thinking about keeping it here on my blog - which i really write in for my kids and myself in the future anyways. and i would love to read comments on them. believe it or not, unlike many people, i am pretty open to criticism. design studios have taught me that ability. so, withought further rambling i would like to post the first piece from my raising my kids diary.

Baby Girl Names I Like: Abigail, Alexis, Autumn, Amber, Audrey, Carlee, Chloe, Cordelia, Dierdre, Emmelia (another one i made up), Eleanor, Fawn, Fern, Genevieve, Grace, Gwyneth, Gillian, Hannah (my bff in korea's name), Hailey, Harmony, Hazel, Justine, Keilani, Kimora, Kailee, Lidia, Lily, Lealana, Matilda, Madeline, Meadow, Melody, Mabel, Malorie, Mila, Morgana, Mavelyn, Noemi, Olivia, Oliana, Phoebe, Piper, Pomona, Rhiannon, Sophia, Scarlet, Tabitha, Vivien, Virginia, Willow, and Wilhelmina. I like middle names that are flowers or animals for some reason. very hippy and cliche but i like 'em.

Baby Boy Names I Like: Arthur, Adam, Ashton, Benjamin, Bradley, Cole, Conan, Connor, Colm, Daniel, Devan, Dylan, Elliot, Ethan, Finley, Fredrick, Garret, Gareth, Harold, Harrison, Ian, Jarrod, Joshua, Jeremiah, Jeremy, Jacob, Kieran, Kevin, Kinsey, Korbin, Liam, Lucas, Maddox, Maxwell, Miles, Oliver, Owen, Percival, Perry, Phillip, Quinn, Reese, Remy, Russell, Seth, Sean, Stanley, Thomas, Tristan, Theo, Victor, Vaughn, Warren and Wilbur.

I didn't find as many boy names I like and there are a ton of names, all of which seem over-used. Most of them are really irish or biblical, neither of which really fits in with me. If I wanted to go norweigan and korean we would have some ugly baby names. it'll sound like hawking a loogie. I want to try to find at least one name I like for every letter of the alphabet. Girl names are definitely a lot more fun. We've decided that I'll pass on my surname to our daughter and Johnny will pass his to our son. that way we can continue the sort of matriarchal surname tradition on my side of the family and johnny can pass his name down, too. seeing as he is the only boy in his family that still has the potential to hand down the family name....

life plans

i just have to get something out of my head first cause it's haunting me. last night i saw a puppy dying on the side of the street. it must have gotten hit by a car. it seemed to look straight at me, and the image is burned into my head. i hate to see shit like that, it bothers me very badly for days. i was depressed all last night. but johnny helped to make it better by making me my favorite dish - spaghetti. he hates it when i am sad. which is like a lot these days. i think it's just a mix of pms and bad luck but he thinks i might actually suffer from depression. well, whatever. who doesn't? my problem is that i dwell obsessively on the morbid and negative. i can't help it. i really really wish that i didn't do that. i like to think i am an optimistic person with enthusiasm. on the other hand for some reason too much beauty and happiness also makes me cry - some things seem to me too awesome to handle. wtf? what's wrong with me? either way my emotions are extreme and all bottled up inside cause i can't explain it. maybe i should really find a therapist. johnny wants hypnotherapy to quit smoking. at this point, i agree. i can't stand it anymore. it gives me headaches and makes it that much more difficult to breathe when i already have asthma. he also smells like smoke all the time. it sucks. more importantly, he's killing himself slowly which pisses me off the most. he is otherwise perfectly healthy. quit smoking, dammit. he is trying a bit - got patches and nicotine gum. 2008 is going to be a good year, remember?

now that the bad stuff is out of the way i can focus on the good stuff. such as life plans. i've always sort of just sat back and let life lead me but now i want to lead my life. i know in the back of my head what i need to do, but in typical ocd heather fashion, i must list and categorize it first. to start off, i need to take my LEED AP exam and get it over with. i have put that off for waaaay too long. that's me being lazy. which is my default status unless there's a fire lit under me. i also need to get my IDP credits signed off by ex-boss asap. like by january asap. once i have that out of the way, i imagine i will get busier at work. during that time i am going to help johnny as much as possible to get through school. he wants to go to AI to learn graphic design. i think he should get the digital design associate but he has to apply for financial aid first. while he's in school i am going to figure out how to finance our business. we have some leads i just need to follow up. we came up with a really good business plan to start an environmentally friendly printing company to cater to the green businesses in atlanta. we are going to start off applying for a govt. subsidied loan for new businesses in a dehabilitated area of town. it's actually a part of downtown that is growing rapidly and hopefully we can contribute to its revitalization by offering services to local walk-in customers like internet/computer access and recycling. i hope we can open our business by next summer. i know that's a stretch but it's a starting point. my other business idea is to start a pedicab/ rickshaw service in buckhead but i am in no shape to be bicycling around buckhead, much less carrying people. johnny smokes too much to do that too, so we'll go with the print shop. johnny knows everything about printing so we have some expertise already in the bank. this can also be a way to sell some bamboo/hemp printed t-shirts like we originally wanted.

at some point, johnny and i will have to consider ourselves. i originally wanted to start a family by the time i was 28. that milestone has passed. i am facing 30 in 6 months and even though i do want a kid, the thought of actually having one scares me almost to death. that's a whole another topic...

FU 2007 - Hello 2008

since my last post is so depressing, i can't let it be the top of the page for too long. It's a looong story but we've got bibi stablized for the time being. she is still in serious condition but we are coping. let's just say this week has sucked pretty bad - i'm still coughing like crazy and yesterday i spent about an hour in the morning cleaning up dog poo and vomit before i went to work. but it's all over (i hope) and i am going to put it behind me. we just have a few weeks left in 2007 and despite the extremely shitty year it's been i would like to try to make the best of what's left. i am really really hoping that 2008 will be a blessed year for us and to help remind us that things CAN be worse I am going to highlight some of the shittiest events of 2007. (in chronological order)

1. *I got rid of James (after calling off the wedding at the last minute)
2. I broke my ankle in two places requiring metal implant surgery
3. I was bedridden for a month, wheelchair bound for a month, crutches for another month and still in pain/discomfort
4. I had to call off my AT hike (obviously)
5. I lost a couple of friends in a huge argument (misunderstanding, actually)
6. Louie had to have a hematoma removed from his head
7. I got a nasty skin infection on my toe which still isn't healed
8. I got very ill with flu and cold - several times
9. I got fired
10. I was unemployed for 2 months
11. Bibi is critically injured

oh, and an honorable mention to all the little shit that happened in-between all of the above including (but not limited to) bouts of depression, weight gain, financial hardships, and various medical maladies that would be TMI for most of you.

*note: this is actually a really good thing, but going through it was hell.

The good things that happened to me this year are: Johnny and I got back together.
And to prove that I CAN turn lemons into lemonade - I realized how completely miserable I have made myself by not following my own heart and from now on I am going to make better decisions. This year has been about learning lessons the hard way so hopefully i can use this knowledge to make next year better. The most valuable lesson - rely on nobody but yourself. Nobody else is going to help you make the decisions you need to make or help you through anything. Be as self-reliant as possible. That will be my motto from henceforth.

Johnny and i agree that we can't be victims of consequence. we should try to be as independant as possible - starting with our careers. living under the fear that you could be unemployed at the drop of a hat is damaging to your soul. why work to make someone else rich? we are going to come up with some plans to make our own business and slowly wean ourselves off of working for other people.

In order to start off 2008 right, there are some items that need to be resolved this month: Bibi's legs, our budget, my IDP credits, and a business plan. One of our highest priorities for next year is HEALTH. something that cannot be taken for granted. I am tired of being sickly and fat whereas johnny has made serious health advances this year by quitting mt. dew and tapering off the junk food and smoking. i haven't done shit to improve my health except educate myself.

My mother's brithday is coming up and i got her that digital photo frame. i think she will like it a lot.

the time has come...

this blog has been in existence for only a very short time - since september to be exact. i've had a blog before - back when i was slightly psychotic and taking effexor. that is a very dark, dark blog and i never want to read it again. but this blog has gone very well despite the downs i've been through lately. so i've decided to go all the way with it. i honestly didn't think i would stick with the blog - i have issues with following through on things. but i like it. and it had a purpose even though i never mentioned what the purpose really is. so i guess i'll reveal the purpose of this blog - it's super corny but i have never been able to keep a diary i like before. with pictures, rants and raves, etc. i actually put some raw emotion into it for the world to see (not that they are but still) but mostly all of this is for my kids. not necessarily for them to read in the future - but for me to read in the future if i ever forget who i was way back before i had children. it may remind me to be a better person, or it may remind me that i am a better person already. i don't really know but i think honesty is the key to the success of this blog. if i ever find myself pushing my son into becoming a doctor or lawyer i can read this blog and remember how miserable i was going through architecture school just to make my mom happy. anyways, that's just one example. it can't hurt to be able to look back. i also think that the timing of my blog is a bit divine - any sooner and this would be another dark dark blog full of the misery that was being crippled and stuck in an engagement with a total moron. but since johnny and i got back together, all seems right again. so this blog is blessed, in my opinion. and i shall treat it so - despite my lack of web design savvyness, i am going to attempt a design for my layout instead of using a generic template. this is going to take considerable time and effort and i don't spend that on things i don't care about. so, to the few of you out there who actually do read, please excuse the mess that is going to be happening during the construction. i'll still post but you may notice weird stuff floating around.....

making headway

i actually made something cute yesterday. i nearly went blind trying to thread my needles, but i managed to produce a new pincushion for myself seeing as louie ate my last one. i decided to make a faux sushi roll out of pre-made felt. it came out kind of cute if i do say so myself.

i've been on a mad crafting/farming/child development/education/ home business/ heirloom gardening information hoarding binge. i have learned a lot. it kills me how you go through life trying to figure out what you want to do then when you finally got it you spend the rest of your life trying to get there. it really blows. i'll try not to rant today, though. i have been keeping myself placated through ebay and amazon. i've bought a few books and random things through ebay like buttons and beads, wool fibers, and felt. i have serious plans to take over the world with this stuff! last night i could hardly sleep with all the ideas running through my head. i really really wish that i could record my thoughts. i have ideas forever. i have so much information and ideas in my head there's no room for anything else. i am running out of space up there. what's really fucked up is if i try to write them down i begin to forget. it's like once they travel from brain to mouth or brain to hand the ideas begin to decompose. also, johnny and i stayed up half the night talking so we didn't get much sleep. i have another interview today which i'm not really looking forward to. back to johnny - he's really starting to get me now. it's awesome. i believe he has attained the position of the only person in this world who knows me better than anyone. sorry, kim. but you're a very close second, dewd. even better, he is speaking his mind about more things. i don't know if he was worried about hurting my feelings or scared of starting a fight but he found the balls somewhere to have a serious conversation about who i am, what we are. i'm quite proud - and glad that he feels comfortable enough now to do that (finally!) i guess i have to return the favor - but here's where him and i differ. i guess he thinks that knowing every detail of someone's past constitutes as "knowing" them. i typically forget about the past. i wish it could be erased from my head. i don't like to talk about it and i don't think its very relevant. i have no desire to know every detail of his past, either. i think he wants to share it with me, though. i think the future is so much more important. but maybe you have to know the past to see the future, i don't know. if that's the case i am going to be seriously depressed. but i'm going to concentrate on the present and future. it seems much more worthwhile. what i love most about johnny is his incredible patience. it's truly unbelievable how much shit he puts up with from me - and i know everybody likes to think i dish out evil bitchiness to him but it's not always that. i test him in so many ways and it's stuff that would probably piss off or annoy most people but his incredible sense of humor and kindness just swallow up whatever i throw at him. it's really hard to find that in a person. i haven't seen it anywhere else. if you know johnny, you probably have seen that about him. humor and patience is priceless. i need as much of it as i can get. in return, i have to figure out what johnny loves about me and make sure i deliver on that. i can't imagine it's the "name that smell" game i like to play at random moments. i can't imagine he likes being bossed around by general om. maybe i make him laugh cause i am so hopelessly nuts. whatever it is, i hope it doesn't go away. ok, now i have to go to my stupid interview.

another brainfart

so this here is another one of my ideas that will probably never live to see it's fullest potential but warrants an attempt (as feeble as it may be) by me in an effort to be more "normal". why do i want to be more "normal" you may ask? well, i believe in opposites. i believe without hate you cannot have love, without sadness you can't have happiness, etc, etc... well, i have been around "abnormal" my whole life so i thought i should give being normal a try. normal just looks so - wholesome. like the picture of the athletic (but not too athletic!) woman jogging along a lake with a carefree smile and matching soft pink spandex workout bra and shorts. she looks happy. she looks healthy. happy and healthy. happy healthy people that everyone likes and gets along with. happy healthy people get to do normal things with other normal people while unhappy unhealthy people sit at home and seethe at them.

so there's this thing i've heard about called a "routine". this is something that most people seem to have - whether its conscious or not. example of typical routine: you wake up, brush your teeth, comb your hair, have a cup of coffee, read the newspaper, get dressed, go to work, come home, check your mail, take out the trash, cook dinner, eat, go for a walk, watch your favorite tv show, take a shower, read a book, and go to sleep. it's not as monotonous as it may sound because in between all of that you are doing other small things but what's important is that you do those same things everyday. it's not like those are activities that you can skip for a few days and then pick up later. everyone has to brush their teeth, eat, go to work, check mail, etc at some point, right? well, i tend to do everything when i REMEMBER to do it, which fails more often than not. sometimes i don't even care - for example bathing. this is an activity i have hated since childhood. i still do. i try to get it over with as quickly as possible. being wet doesn't bother me - and i love soap. i hate being damp. i hate having to dry off every stupid little droplet of water off my skin, and having to get all dressed up again. it's too much work for me. i would rather just bathe and wrap a big cloth around me and call it a day. i guess i hate dressing more than bathing but i always have to get dressed after i bathe, right? i digress. i am completely nuts, huh? ok, so back to the whole routine concept. i hear that routine is good. i believe that it probably is - and i have tried and tried to stick to a routine but it always fails. because i am lazy. because i am apathetic and don't believe that anything will ever make a damn bit of difference in the long run. but it does!! so i decided to challenge myself to stick to a routine for one week. here is a draft of my proposed routine:

8 am - wake up & stretch.
8:15 - brush teeth, wash face & moisturize.
8:30 - make coffee, turn on news, feed dogs, & get dressed (ugh!)
9 am - eat breakfast, take vitamins, check email, make phone calls, pay bills, etc.
10 am - go for walk/bike ride.
10:45 - do something productive until lunch.
12:30 pm - make & eat lunch.
1:15 - shopping (grocery, etc), running errands, or cleaning.
2:30 - rest. meditate.
3 pm - work in office & have a snack.
5 pm - check mail, take out trash, last minute cleaning.
6 pm - hang out with johnny.
7 pm - cook dinner & eat - clean kitchen afterwards!
8 pm - go for walk with johnny & dogs. play.
9 pm - shower, brush teeth, & take vitamins while johnny checks email, etc.
10 pm - watch favorite tv shows.
11 pm - leave johnny alone so he can go to sleep. read a book.

doesn't this sound like a good day? i think it does. if i can stick to this for a week i will be very proud of myself. the weekend are going to completely mess up this routine but i must establish a good weekday routine.

mrlh

well, i started the site for my thesis. if you care to follow it's progress, here is a link:

http://marslabitat.blogspot.com/

another idea...

if you haven't noticed by now, i come up with about a million ideas a day. some of them pan out, most of them don't. i guess i'm just still trying to figure myself out. anyways, while laying on the table with about a dozen needles sticking out of me everywhere, i decided that i really do want to finish my thesis. what do i mean by "finish my thesis"? well, i never considered my masters thesis to be finished - even though i graduated. i thought about my project for three years, then when the time finally came to make it a reality i got performance anxiety. that coupled with a not-so-great thesis prfessor and my project, which could have been spectacular, flopped. trust me, the enthusiasm was there but my professor managed to trip me every step of the way. he insisted that i come up with a concept "visual" and so the most natural concept for my project was a livign organism i started to explain how my project was like a tree. well, that wasn't "artsy" or "smart" enough for him so i wasted about 3 weeks trying to come up with a concept visual that he liked instead of focusing on my project. i ended up doing some stupid pastel drawing just to get him off my back about it.

fast forward and let's just say i was less than satisfied with how my project went. i needed more time - something i didn't have. so i just threw everything together and hoped it was enough. it was - but not for me.

there was also the controversy (here we go again with my masochistic need for controversy) about the plausibility and validity of my project which not only pissed me off but added insult to injury. i mean, this was our thesis! we can do whatever we want! and here i was being discouraged by of all people - my thesis professor AND advisor! they both told me to reconsider my project! well, fuck them. i know why they wanted me to reconsider. i'm sure they thought i just wasn't smart enough. bastards. well, i'll be the first to admit that i am not smart enough. i mean, you would literally have to be a rocket scientist to make the project work and i was just an architecture student!

ok, so if you don't know what my thesis project was you're wondering wtf is she talking about? my thesis project was called THE MARS RESEARCH LAB + HABITAT (MRLH for short). it was my baby. I dreamed about it for years. I don't know much about physics, astronomy, spaceflight, or anything that scientific or mathematical. all i know is that i loved to dream up designs for space architecture. and i'm not even nearly smart enough to do that...below is an aerial shot of my model...



despite the negativity i recieved about my project, i decided to continue. i had awesome friends who were in fibers, film, and other majors that were all excited about my project. everyone in studio however, stuck their noses up at me. i'm used to that so i didn't care. i knew what they were all thinking.

well, anyways - freshly inspired by some more info and blogs (1000 days at sea, for example) i decided i really want to continue working on my thesis. i won't be getting any grades or recognition - its just for personal satisfaction. i noticed that i still design survival habitats and bunkers when nobody's looking. maybe it's another obsession. in any case, i will quietly do my research and re-write my book. i won't make any new models (maybe way later) but i might do some new drawings. below is a close-up view of the side with the dome on.....

so i'm thinking i might make a new blog dedicated soley to the MRLH. i don't know yet, it's going to take up a lot of my time.

green tee's

today was a good day. i was up at 7am, got on the puter and did a bunch of stuff. finally found out who sings that song i always hear on the radio, and decided which firm i want to work for next. it's controversial, but fuck it - i might as well learn to love controversy. i did however, find out that i wasn't the only one who got the ax - so did about 10 other people on the same day. i feel bad and better at the same time. anyways, i went and got another acupuncture session from my uncle and feel asleep on the table and began to snore so loud i woke myself up. i was listening to npr and almost had to laugh when they mentioned a project that i used to work on. after that, i met up with om-ma at the farmer's market and cooked all night long some really good homemade korean food. food for the soul that won't kill you like fried chicken will. it's now 11pm and i can honestly say i had a great day. tomorrow might not be as good because now i have to step up my game seeing as i have more competition than i thought.

oh, i almost forgot - i made a blogsite for the idea that johnny and i have for our t-shirt business. we decided to call it green-tee's and the site can be seen here: http://greentshirts.blogspot.com/
we will hopefully have some products to sell on there soon! I designed the page and "t" logo using photoshop. i am still playing around with it, but leave a comment on there and let me know what you think!