at last....

a piece of good news, no matter how small, should be celebrated. my dentist has informed me today that I HAVE NO CAVITIES. thank the gods. one less thing to worry about.

my boss

i have to say i have a very interesting relationship with my boss. no, not that kind of relationship. he is a very dynamic person. very intense. he can be extremely annoying yet amazingly understanding. his mind races so he speaks like he's on some kind of timer, trying to say as much as he can within a limit. on top of that, he really gets lost in these tangents and you end up forgetting what he was originally talking about. he does, too. in any case, him and i have a startling amount in common. he is very environmentally conscious, politically liberal, religiously liberal, and completely open about all of it. he does not hide very much. i really admire that. he talks to me about science, religion, politics, the environment, relationships, real estate, business, and everything in between. i think he knows more about me than my mother does at this point.

anyhow, he has introduced me to a whole new kind of church. its called unitarian universalist. i had never heard of it before, but the more he explained it to me, the more it sounded exactly like the kind of church i would actually want to go to. and believe me, i am the last person you would see voluntarily walking into a church. uua is a very open-minded organization. they are more about spirituality than preaching the word of any particular god or religion. before, the closest religion i identified myself to was pantheistic, of which i did not know of any physical church or anyone else who considered themself to be panthiestic also.

well, at uua i can be pantheistic, buddhist, christian, muslim, whatever and also have the sense of community that other religions share. and that's mostly what i want, to be a part of a community. to have someplace to go if i need a spiritual pick-me-up. i want a place to take my children to that will teach them tolerance and respect for nature. the congregation has these covenants to affirm and promote: the inherent worth and dignity of every person, justice, equity and compassion in human relations, acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth, a free and responsible search for truth and meaning, the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process, just to name a few... these are tenets i totally agree with, and they do not require worshipping a god.

an added bonus is that their church looks more like a hippie commune than a church. it's very welcoming and comfortable. my only problem is that it is in mt. vernon which is further away from my house than i normally venture. plus, i'm too lazy to go anywhere sundays, even though the service is at 10:30. but its an investment worth making because what if one day i really need the spiritual support that only a minister can provide and i have nobody to turn to? i have to build a relationship, not just knock on a door when i need it.

so, i'm really considering joining. i might be a "friend" of the congregation first, but i think this is as close as i am gonna get to having a religion.

life IS good

isn't that funny? it came out of my mouth, yes.

why do i think life is good? well, right now, i am remembering where i was and what i was doing exactly a year ago. exactly one year ago i was stuck in my bed with a broken ankle. i couldn't do a damn thing for myself except be miserable.

i had a stainless steel plate and screws riveted to my bones. i had horrible pain, muscle cramps, terrible rashes, and a general and overwhelming sense of just plain misery. i hated life. i hated my mom. i hated my fiance, i hated everyone and everything.

most of all, i hated myself. for being that way.

karma was not good to me last year, but it will be good to me this year. and so far, it has. besides random bouts of irrational depression, life is good. i forgot how weak and helpless i was and how much it pissed me off. i forgot how i never thought i would rehabilitate my ankle and walk normally again. i really thought i was just doomed. it has and can be worse, but for now, its good and i am happy for that.

i'd say overall the cosmos has been good to me.

more on health...

a fresh and newly inspired attempt at being healthy has once again struck. i had a visit with my doctor recently because i had some inexplicable chest discomfort that felt like a boulder was expanding in my chest which is, needless to say, alarming. i was afraid that my heart might actually give out on me. so the doctor pointed out the first obvious problem - my weight. i am at this point, considerably overweight. most of the weight has been gained in the past 6 years. the second issue that she pointed out after an ekg and exam is that my body is producing a "stress response". my body is under the impression that i am under some kind of duress and is responding by raising hormone levels and perpetuating my weight gain. the problem is, i am not really under any unusual stress. honestly, i am comparatively stress-free.

so, what could this stress be? anything. seriously, it could be the most minute little thing that builds up, or is combining with other little things which magnify, mulitply, whatever. here's my theory: my general health is fundamentally comprimised due to many factors, the majority of which is caused by my weight, so obviously i need to lose the weight. but that doesn't happen overnight so i need to have a plan b to follow while i lose the weight so a sudden illness or injury doesn't send me back to square 1 as it always seems to do. it's hard to exercise on a regular basis when you are sick, injured, in some kind of mysterious pain, tired, crabby, and hungry. but all of these things are inter-related so i will simply have to suffer through the symptoms and attack my lack of health regardless of how my peg leg feels or how depressed i am.

i have to thank the cosmos, or maybe modern technology, but it seems as though information (or inspiration) lands in my lap as though i conjured it with my mind. i literally was thinking about how to boost my nautral immune system so i can fend off the cold or flu or whatever might come my way. heck, i would be happy if my body could heal minor cuts and bruises in a timely and effective manner, and bam! in my email inbox is a newsletter about the immune boosting effects of meditation. also, this weekend i get a phone call out of the blue from my good pal kim who is telling me about the benefits of using a sauna. she mentioned that spending like 20 minutes in the sauna detoxifies your body as much your kidney would in 24 hours. don't quote me on that, but its definitely worth trying out.

all this in addition to the healthy steps i have already implemented and there may be hope for me yet. if you are wondering what healthy steps i have already implemented they are the following: completely quit smoking (yes, hard to believe i even had this horrible habit, thankfully i wasn't hopelessly addicted), i stopped eating so much junk food, quit drinking soda everyday, i actually did exercise regularly until my ankle broke, i learned to control my temper, i weeded the negatively influtential people in my life (ironically, my mother isn't quite in this catagory), and i began researching and implementing natural health remedies and techniques. this is monumental because before i was too stressed and depressed to really give a shit about hypericum perforatum and arnica gel and natural toothpaste. i give a shit now. a really big shit.

so i have a follow-up appointment with my doc in 4 weeks, and i would like to impress her by losing a few pounds by then. i am going to concentrate on eating less carbs and walking a little more. small steps. maybe with some positive reinforcement and some support i can emerge from my current situation a happier, healthier person.

lunar eclipse

last night i was enjoying being a dork again with johnny and my friend's sister, B. we light the candle-lanterns around the patio and watched the lunar eclipse through a monocle (sp?). It was really cool. i sat outside and read a book that i have had for a while but only just recently started. it's called the winter king by one of my fav authors, bernard cornwell. i have to admit, reading about the way druids ward off evil is pretty entertaining. there's a lot of spitting, hopping in a circle, and genital-grabbing. meanwhile, johnny brought out his old addiction - magic the gathering card game and began to sort through his cards. i actually like dorky stuff like that (i am a hardcore final fantasy addict) so he taught me how to play. sort of. that game is complicated..... i like instant gratification. we played and chatted and watched the moon (or lack therof). it was a nice time.

a week hardly worth mentioning

yeah, not so much going on. i'm being very reserved. i don't know what it is. after being sick, after going through my little bout of depression, after dealing with my job and random people trying to scam me, i'm just sort of hollow. there's no excitement or really anything to look forward to. i'm not sad - i'm just too comfortable? i'm used to drama. moving places, dealing with all kinds of people, always something going on. i don't know if i am enjoying this calm or hating it. something is....missing. i am in a routine that i didn't really mean to be, it just sort of happened. and now i suppose i have to analyze it and figure out where to go from here. i know my stress levels have dropped. maybe my body has doped itself. maybe it's cause my mom has kept her distance a bit. maybe i need a vacation.

in related news, another potential solution just plopped into my lap - a mood tracker. it's an online tool where i can track my mood each day, and write about what is affecting it. i think it's worth a shot. it'll be interesting to see the trends once i get enough info in it.

we got a new employee at work this week. an interiors girl. she and i have a few things in common, and she seems very nice. i like her. she has a blue pit bull that she showed me pictures of. he looks the same as syrus when they were puppies - all wrinkly and red-handed with a shoe or sock in the mouth.

last night i had a weird chest discomfort - kind of like i had a balloon building pressure in my chest. tomorrow i see the doctor about it. i am convinced that one day i will die of heart disease or some other cardio related disorder. i would rather go out that way than a horrible accident, though. not trying to be depressing, i'm just sayin...

ok, i'm ending this post before it just gets out of hand....

no more camera

sorry but this blog is going to be rather imageless for a little while. my camera is broken and i have yet to get a new one. i'm kind of mad because it was a NEW camera my mom bought for me at costco. it is a coolpix. well it's a crappix now. this is why quality should reign over being cheap when it comes to things like cameras. my next camera will be a good quality one and i guess i have to be anal retentive and not snap photos when it's snowing outside.

i am thinking about saving up for a really nice camera, one of those fancy ones with a big lens that you can take professional quality pictures with. i'm going to stay under $600. i don't know much about cameras so its going to take a lot of research. if you have any suggestions, tips, etc. please let me know (in the comments)!

on a random note, my mom came over last night and casually mentioned that she found my old spanking paddle. it sounds funny. unfortunately, it's the object of much hatred. if that thing did not exist, i would probably hate my mother a lot less. not so funny now, huh? she used it not only to spank me, but humiliate me as well because she would actually show it off to everyone and laugh. and 20 some years later, she is still doing it. that woman just doesn't freakin get it. haha, isn't it funny that she used to beat me with a giant rice paddle and document every stroke on its handle? isn't it funny she used to spank me for stupid shit like spilling my paint cup? isn't it just hilarious that she showed it off and laughed at my expense to anyone willing to listen (which, of course is everybody since for some reason spanking little girls is so amusing). don't get me wrong, i actually believe in spanking - as a total last resort. punishment should not be to hurt someone's feelings or confidence. it's supposed to teach a lesson. in my case it was abused. it wouldn't have been so bad if she didn't use that paddle to shame me as well, but she did. and we both paid for it. don't humiliate your kids, people. it's hard to forget.

lost junkie

in case ya didn't know...LOST is the most addictive tv show ever. i don't watch a lot of tv in comparison to most people, usually when i do watch tv its CNN or TLC or the History channel - and mostly just browsing through while dinner cooks. but the tv shows that i am really hooked on i only watch on DVD - months after they have aired. johnny and i have watched the last 2.5 seasons of lost since i signed on with netflix several weeks ago. we watch an entire DVD in one sitting, which is about 4 episodes. then i found lostpedia. at this point, i may need professional help.

the other shows i'm addicted to are: battlestar galactica (i yearn for new episodes of this), weeds, and charmed. yes, charmed is corny but i love it.

i'm so hooked on lost, i am actually quite concerned with how i am going to get my hands on the 4th season, seeing as it's already begun and we haven't finished the 3rd one yet.

btw,
johnny sent me the most beautiful and wonderfully fragrant roses to my job today. i think it's the first time he's ever done something like that. he just scored major points. good job, honey.

don't forget...

...about my supplemental blog pages. i made it because i am a neurotic list-maker and needed someplace to put this info. well, it turns out that there are some good ideas and resources there if you are a like-minded individual who likes saving money, being green, etc etc. the link should be to the right of this page (right above my virtual city - land of milk and honey - which you should also visit!) and for your convenience, you can also click here.

i always end up adding to my posts....

i just got an email from one of the advocacy groups i support about the retroactive immunity that the senate just passed for telecom companies. boo. anyways, i hate supporting giant corporate companies but don't know of any more conscientious companies that provide the same product/services that i need. i use verizon for my mobile phone and i HATE THEM. i don't care for sprint, at&t, or cingular either. well, there's this phone company called CREDO that supports causes like women's right, civil liberties, international peace, etc. their website is pretty informative and it's not a bad deal, they will even buy out your old contract. i'll have to give them a try!

i'm back!

today is my first day back to work since i contracted the plague. i went to work briefly on wednesday but then had to go straight to the hospital with my mom afterwards. we were there until 1:30 am, and all we got was an asthma prescription. well, actually i got hooked up to the nebulizer and a shot in the ass which felt like liquid fire spreading across my butt. the doc said the flu is really bad this year and actually prescribed bed rest for 4 days. i think from now on i am going to get the flu shot, even if it doesn't cover all strains it helps. i still have a gross cough which i've been told could last up to 6 months. yippee.

the good news is a think i lost a few pounds. from now on i am going to eat way more fruits and vegetables. i'm just not a really big fan of vegetables. well, american vegetables anyways. gimme sprouts and spinach and roots anyday. i'm tired of tomatoes and squash and cucumber. overall, my health needs to improve. seriously. why is this so difficult? well, i'll tell you why. i can be pretty lazy and i suck at cooking. well, i suck at ethnic cooking. i don't know how or why it happened, but it takes a certain old school flair to make the perfect kimchi soup that i just don't seem to have. my denjang jigae always comes out tasting funny. my rice cakes are always gooey and when i do the spicy/sweet thing it either comes out too spicy or too sweet. plus, it takes a lot of dedication to shop for and prepare korean food. i love korean style fish but i can't cook it to save my freakin life. there's no recipe for this stuff, it's all in my mom's head and it changes everytime! i don't think korean women like to write down recipes. it must be bad luck or something.

for now, i need to just commit to eating more salad and raw fruit. less meat and processed foods. much less sugar. no more soda. i am an adult now and adults don't eat these things.

again??

i'm sure my boss think i am totally full of shit. but i swear, i got the flu again. and i promise it really was the flu and not just a cold. oh no, i don't get colds. i get viruses.

so i believe that was flu #3 in the past 12 months. this flu was particularly bad because i had a really high fever for two days straight. thankfully i had johnny around to take care of me.

i uploaded some pics i promised a while back. i'm going to go rest now. more later.